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Tuesday 18 October 2011

Self Destruct Button


We are all prone to pressing the self destruct button from time to time, its part of the normal human condition; and although a lot of people don't agree with Freud's Oedipus complex I definitely believe he was onto something when he talked about the different drives. You know the idea we engage in things to bring us back to our non existent state i.e. Death drive (and Life drive…but for the purpose of this post we shall focus on the death drive!) or self destructive behaviour…

For instance I watched the roast of Charlie Sheen the other night and I can't lie although funny in (small) places I mostly cringed throughout. I cringed No.1 because I was forced to watch it in the first place (too tired to argue over the remote control) and No.2 just the fact that such a smart, intelligent, witty (not forgetting filthy rich) guy is just genuinely f-ed up on drugs, s*x and what ever other vice he has; it was a little sad.
Not to mention Johnny Knoxville with his jokes about what he has put up his arse (Ok so not death inducing but still, why?). Johnny was bleeding by the end of the show, having run into Mick Tyson's fist. Now let me clarify he did not have a run in with Mike Tyson, no he actually choose to run into Mike Tyson's fist! *confused face*
*Its may have just been a fake stunt

I digress as Charlie Sheen’s clearly suffers from addiction.

Personally I define self destructive behaviour as engaging in anything which is not conducive of what you actually want...

A more clinical definition can be found here (and below):
"Three conceptual models of self-defeating behaviour can be distinguished on the basis of intentionality (desiring and foreseeing harm). In primary self-destruction, the person foresees and desires harm to self; in tradeoffs, the harm is foreseen but not desired; and in counterproductive strategies, the harm is neither foreseen nor desired"

Never is self-destructive behaviour more present than in intimate relationships. We all know that person (or maybe we are/were them) who engages in behaviour, which clearly fall into the self destructive/self-defeating realm of relationship behaviours. Below are a few examples:
The tester… 
I have a friend who is with the sweetest most docile man in the world. He would do anything she asks and my friend knows it. But every now and again she ‘throws a fit’ to "test his love" (her words not mine) and my friend relays her fit throwing stories to me with relish. For instance they were out at a nice restaurant and "he looked at another woman" (her words not mine). Now knowing her and him, I think it is likely he looked in the direction of another women! I don’t think he would dear look at another women when my friend is around ha
You can guess what happened next…a fit! She refused to eat, she sulked, she argued with him – they left in silence and the next day to her delight he was making all the moves to restore peace. In other words he passed her test!  *On that particular occasion*.
Now my friend has readily admitted she knows it bad and her partner has told her so -but still she pushes him away. Repeatedly. What do you think an example of trade off self-destruction?

The self-flagellator...
The other day one of my work colleagues asked me if another work colleague was "back on" with her boyfriend. I told her in all honesty I'm not sure and in fact I have lost track! What I do know is that when my friend is with her boyfriend he induces a rage all consuming that she has said at times she could kill him and vice verse. They go from being loved up to splitting up over alternate weekends. She abuses him; he abuses her (one incident involved actual spitting).
I think it's safe to say most of us have been a in a relationship like the above where self-flagellation would be less painful. You know one of those relationships where your other half brings out the "crazy" in you (they may be abusive, dismissive or trip any other stress-inducing trigger). 
Is sticking around in a situation which does not bring out your best an example of primary self-destruction? 
The detective… 
This may come as a surprise to you all (I’m hoping because of the cool, collected persona I present here on this blog) but once upon a time, in a relationship far, far, away I was a regular old ‘detective’ i.e., checker of my other half’s mobile phone (in other words a snoop!). This was to ensure myself that my other half was where he said he was going to be, with who he said he was going to be with; and just generally not cheating on me left right and center (my biggest fear after a previous heart break).
Now I know I’m not the first (or the last) to play detective. In fact when talking with a few of my male and female friends the majority of them have admitted playing detective at some point or another in a relationship.
Here is the thing as I said in my own case it was to ensure myself. It had absolutely nothing to do with him. In fact I never ever found what I was looking for (i.e., evidence of bad behaviour) but despite that I still checked it was like setting up for or looking for the demise of my own relationship - a whole heap of conflict! 
But I wonder why do we do it to ourselves or inflict it on others? 
No doubt feelings of worthlessness, lack of self esteem, fear and guilt all play a part in our self destructive behaviours and also historical ideas around our lovability also comes into play.  Sometimes relationships can be tough and when the difficulties seem to much to bear (either mentally or physically) and thereby threatens to throw off our equilibrium it's no wonder we prefer to reach for the self destruct button instead.
Take the self-flagellator for instances. I think it's fair to say we our all participants in our lives so I have wondered at times is it possible my friend fears that she is unlovable so hence is creating a situation in which she won’t be loved. The subconscious logic being by staying with a negative partner, she just confirms a deep-held belief that she is not worth healthy, real love perhap?

On a brighter note how do we over come the need to press the destruct button you wonder...

Step 1: No surprise here... Acknowledge it. If you keep doing the same thing (i.e., self flagellator style) and your getting the same results it's time to admit it's not working and you maybe flogging a dead horse so to speak!
Step 2: It's ok you’re normal. We all suffer from the same things that drive self destructive behaviour (or the Freudian death drive!) be it fear, guilt, feelings of worthlessness and lack of self esteem. The difference is some of us are quicker at realizing, acknowledging and letting go; but don't beat yourself up about mistakes made look to what you can change going forward.
Step 3: Finally don't act on negative feelings (i.e., the tester and detective style) learn to channel the positive and let go of the negative one day at a time.
So BDSS'ers I know I said lets focus on the positives but can you think of any other self defeating behaviours we engage in whilst in relationships and more importantly can you suggest other strategies to over come them?


Wednesday 12 October 2011

Don't be Dicknotized

I was talking to one of my close friends the other day asking him about his new partner, how are things going, etc and he described his partner as being dicknotized. This man always has me in fits of laughter whenever I speak to him. I asked him what the symptoms of Dicknotization are and he said the following without even pausing for a second to think about it (I'm assuming that he had given it some thought prior to the conversation) but anyway this is what he said:

"Googly eyed and addicted to the penis!"

He also went into further details about certain things which are way to private to be discussed on the blog however when he said dicknotized I thought let me examine this phenomenon lol for a second.....straight face! so...

I asked myself whether I'd ever been dicknotized, and I'm not certain I do the whole googly eyes thing, but I do think that on occasion in the past I've maybe mistaken really good sex and the lust that comes with that for deeper feelings. Was I addicted to the Penis or at the very least the release of the those endorphins that accompany good love making? probably, actually on occasion I'd say definitely. There was that one incident where I blurted out I love you whilst in the act. did I love him? No, was I loving the act at the time? hell yeah! My emotions and the endorphins got the better of me and I was dicknotized for that moment.

I also wondered is dicknotization bad for you?

Well I'm thinking that it depends on the variables of the relationship, if your in the above situation with a great partner then its brilliant, great sex, great relationship, that's the ideal, as enjoyable intimate relations in a relationship is important. And a lot of people when talking about having lust and being addicted to sex with someone talk about it like it is a negative always assuming that it is not possible to get with a great partner and this is not always the case. There are alot of happy couples out there addicted to each others bedroom skills...kudos to you!

However if your in a relationship with someone not treating you as you desire and I say this as everyone has different standards and criteria for being treated correctly within a relationship, then being dicknotized and (and I'm sure that when I say this word everyone is able to imagine it in the reverse also, as in a male maybe, being addicted to how a woman is able to put it down), then you might be in trouble. Maybe your putting up with all kinds of negative behaviours or actions, probably thinking that your feelings run deeper than if you took away the awesome sex, you'd normally not put up with. Reading this post will hopefully prompt you to analyse the relationship leaving sex aside for a moment to think about what else your actually gaining from being in it (what are the pros/cons, are you generally happy within the relationship?) think about it for a second!.....

Just to refresh the symptoms....just in case you are suspecting your dicknotized right about now!

they are:

1) googly eyes

2)  An addiction to a specific penis (if your addicted to any one's and everyones penis then this just could be sex addiction, which is not the same thing).

You may as well walk around with a sign saying:

I guess the ultimate aim is to not be dicknotized but if its unavoidable (if your ruled by your neither regions) then it's worth ensuring that the person you allow yourself to be with in this way is worthy. I think my friends partner is very fortunate as he is a great catch. Others may noy be so lucky!


But anyways bdss'ers have you ever been addicted to a particular person's bedroom action and how was that for you?

Also if you are a person getting people hooked.......then stop it! Just Kidding! Share....whats your secret?

Please read, comment, share, enjoy :-)