Self Destruct Button

We are all prone to pressing the self destruct button from time to time, its part of the normal human condition; and although a lot of people don't agree with Freud's Oedipus complex I definitely believe he was onto something when he talked about the different drives. You know the idea we engage in things to bring us back to our non existent state i.e. Death drive (and Life drive…but for the purpose of this post we shall focus on the death drive!) or self destructive behaviour…

For instance I watched the roast of Charlie Sheen the other night and I can't lie although funny in (small) places I mostly cringed throughout. I cringed No.1 because I was forced to watch it in the first place (too tired to argue over the remote control) and No.2 just the fact that such a smart, intelligent, witty (not forgetting filthy rich) guy is just genuinely f-ed up on drugs, s*x and what ever other vice he has; it was a little sad.

Not to mention Johnny Knoxville with his jokes about what he has put up his arse (Ok so not death inducing but still, why?). Johnny was bleeding by the end of the show, having run into Mick Tyson's fist. Now let me clarify he did not have a run in with Mike Tyson, no he actually choose to run into Mike Tyson's fist! *confused face*

*Its may have just been a fake stunt

I digress as Charlie Sheen’s clearly suffers from addiction.

Personally I define self destructive behaviour as engaging in anything which is not conducive of what you actually want...

A more clinical definition can be found here (and below):

"Three conceptual models of self-defeating behaviour can be distinguished on the basis of intentionality (desiring and foreseeing harm). In primary self-destruction, the person foresees and desires harm to self; in tradeoffs, the harm is foreseen but not desired; and in counterproductive strategies, the harm is neither foreseen nor desired"

Never is self-destructive behaviour more present than in intimate relationships. We all know that person (or maybe we are/were them) who engages in behaviour, which clearly fall into the self destructive/self-defeating realm of relationship behaviours. Below are a few examples:

The tester… 
I have a friend who is with the sweetest most docile man in the world. He would do anything she asks and my friend knows it. But every now and again she ‘throws a fit’ to "test his love" (her words not mine) and my friend relays her fit throwing stories to me with relish. For instance they were out at a nice restaurant and "he looked at another woman" (her words not mine). Now knowing her and him, I think it is likely he looked in the direction of another women! I don’t think he would dear look at another women when my friend is around ha
You can guess what happened next…a fit! She refused to eat, she sulked, she argued with him – they left in silence and the next day to her delight he was making all the moves to restore peace. In other words he passed her test!  *On that particular occasion*.

Now my friend has readily admitted she knows it bad and her partner has told her so -but still she pushes him away. Repeatedly. What do you think an example of trade off self-destruction?

The self-flagellator...
The other day one of my work colleagues asked me if another work colleague was "back on" with her boyfriend. I told her in all honesty I'm not sure and in fact I have lost track! What I do know is that when my friend is with her boyfriend he induces a rage all consuming that she has said at times she could kill him and vice verse. They go from being loved up to splitting up over alternate weekends. She abuses him; he abuses her (one incident involved actual spitting).

I think it's safe to say most of us have been a in a relationship like the above where self-flagellation would be less painful. You know one of those relationships where your other half brings out the "crazy" in you (they may be abusive, dismissive or trip any other stress-inducing trigger). 
Is sticking around in a situation which does not bring out your best an example of primary self-destruction? 

The detective… 
This may come as a surprise to you all (I’m hoping because of the cool, collected persona I present here on this blog) but once upon a time, in a relationship far, far, away I was a regular old ‘detective’ i.e., checker of my other half’s mobile phone (in other words a snoop!). This was to ensure myself that my other half was where he said he was going to be, with who he said he was going to be with; and just generally not cheating on me left right and center (my biggest fear after a previous heart break).
Now I know I’m not the first (or the last) to play detective. In fact when talking with a few of my male and female friends the majority of them have admitted playing detective at some point or another in a relationship.
Here is the thing as I said in my own case it was to ensure myself. It had absolutely nothing to do with him. In fact I never ever found what I was looking for (i.e., evidence of bad behaviour) but despite that I still checked it was like setting up for or looking for the demise of my own relationship - a whole heap of conflict! 

But I wonder why do we do it to ourselves or inflict it on others? 

No doubt feelings of worthlessness, lack of self esteem, fear and guilt all play a part in our self destructive behaviours and also historical ideas around our lovability also comes into play.  Sometimes relationships can be tough and when the difficulties seem to much to bear (either mentally or physically) and thereby threatens to throw off our equilibrium it's no wonder we prefer to reach for the self destruct button instead.

Take the self-flagellator for instances. I think it's fair to say we our all participants in our lives so I have wondered at times is it possible my friend fears that she is unlovable so hence is creating a situation in which she won’t be loved. The subconscious logic being by staying with a negative partner, she just confirms a deep-held belief that she is not worth healthy, real love perhap?

On a brighter note how do we over come the need to press the destruct button you wonder...

Step 1: No surprise here... Acknowledge it. If you keep doing the same thing (i.e., self flagellator style) and your getting the same results it's time to admit it's not working and you maybe flogging a dead horse so to speak!

Step 2: It's ok you’re normal. We all suffer from the same things that drive self destructive behaviour (or the Freudian death drive!) be it fear, guilt, feelings of worthlessness and lack of self esteem. The difference is some of us are quicker at realizing, acknowledging and letting go; but don't beat yourself up about mistakes made look to what you can change going forward.

Step 3: Finally don't act on negative feelings (i.e., the tester and detective style) learn to channel the positive and let go of the negative one day at a time.

So BDSS'ers I know I said lets focus on the positives but can you think of any other self defeating behaviours we engage in whilst in relationships and more importantly can you suggest other strategies to over come them?


Don't be Dicknotized

I was talking to one of my close friends the other day asking him about his new partner, how are things going, etc and he described his partner as being dicknotized. This man always has me in fits of laughter whenever I speak to him. I asked him what the symptoms of Dicknotization are and he said the following without even pausing for a second to think about it (I'm assuming that he had given it some thought prior to the conversation) but anyway this is what he said:

"Googly eyed and addicted to the penis!"

He also went into further details about certain things which are way to private to be discussed on the blog however when he said dicknotized I thought let me examine this phenomenon lol for a second.....straight face! so...

I asked myself whether I'd ever been dicknotized, and I'm not certain I do the whole googly eyes thing, but I do think that on occasion in the past I've maybe mistaken really good sex and the lust that comes with that for deeper feelings. Was I addicted to the Penis or at the very least the release of the those endorphins that accompany good love making? probably, actually on occasion I'd say definitely. There was that one incident where I blurted out I love you whilst in the act. did I love him? No, was I loving the act at the time? hell yeah! My emotions and the endorphins got the better of me and I was dicknotized for that moment.

I also wondered is dicknotization bad for you?

Well I'm thinking that it depends on the variables of the relationship, if your in the above situation with a great partner then its brilliant, great sex, great relationship, that's the ideal, as enjoyable intimate relations in a relationship is important. And a lot of people when talking about having lust and being addicted to sex with someone talk about it like it is a negative always assuming that it is not possible to get with a great partner and this is not always the case. There are alot of happy couples out there addicted to each others bedroom skills...kudos to you!

However if your in a relationship with someone not treating you as you desire and I say this as everyone has different standards and criteria for being treated correctly within a relationship, then being dicknotized and (and I'm sure that when I say this word everyone is able to imagine it in the reverse also, as in a male maybe, being addicted to how a woman is able to put it down), then you might be in trouble. Maybe your putting up with all kinds of negative behaviours or actions, probably thinking that your feelings run deeper than if you took away the awesome sex, you'd normally not put up with. Reading this post will hopefully prompt you to analyse the relationship leaving sex aside for a moment to think about what else your actually gaining from being in it (what are the pros/cons, are you generally happy within the relationship?) think about it for a second!.....

Just to refresh the symptoms....just in case you are suspecting your dicknotized right about now!

they are:

1) googly eyes

2)  An addiction to a specific penis (if your addicted to any one's and everyones penis then this just could be sex addiction, which is not the same thing).

You may as well walk around with a sign saying:

I guess the ultimate aim is to not be dicknotized but if its unavoidable (if your ruled by your neither regions) then it's worth ensuring that the person you allow yourself to be with in this way is worthy. I think my friends partner is very fortunate as he is a great catch. Others may noy be so lucky!

But anyways bdss'ers have you ever been addicted to a particular person's bedroom action and how was that for you?

Also if you are a person getting people hooked.......then stop it! Just Kidding! Share....whats your secret?

Please read, comment, share, enjoy :-)

Does man stress make you a woman?

 

I was listening to a song the other day, by an artist that I love and at first I was listening to the song contentedly it was quite a soulful track. I liked the vocals, the backing track, the video looked very slick, I was starting to feel quite impressed but then I caught on and listened to the lyrics, and the feminist in me started to feel slightly uncomfortable.

A good song manages to paint a picture in your mind, and this songs was about your usual r'n'b fodder, relationships, so as the lyrics in this song go on, picture me, picturing a woman struggling in her relationship talking about "these tears I cry sure won't be the last, this pain in side never seems to pass"  so I'm thinking oh oh not a great relationship!! and I can relate we've all been there.

Then the song talks about another woman "sometimes I wonder could she be more of a woman to you, than you are a man to me" double oh oh maybe some infidelity going on.  It goes on "I hope she is happy, she is happy your the chapter I am closing". He has now gone to this other woman. Tut tut tut terrible, but again I can relate issues of infidelity can feel like norm these day.

Then it got uncomfortable to me! The jarring thing is that after hearing about all this heartbreak this man is causing, the singer then goes on to thank this guy for making her a woman, it goes "so I thank you, yeahhhh, so I thank you  yeahhhh, so I thank you for making me a woomann" I can't help but think that something is wrong here......in fact I'd go so far as to say
Hell No!

Here is why......

While I understand that going through life's twists and turns can make certain individuals grow up quickly, and take on more responsibilities than others and that this may make you act and even be more mature (it may expedite the transition from boy to manhood or girl to womanhood), than if you go through an idyllic trouble free childhood. But where along the lines did a girl's ability to become a woman become a man's remit. That we have got all these song's crying out to some unsuitable meaning wanker man thank you for making me a woman!!

The song is effectively saying that I stayed here and let you miss-treat me for a minute but thank you, you made me a woman......I can't help but pose the question....how so?

There are so many stand out events in my life that mark out my journey from girlhood to womanhood and I do not class relationship break ups anywhere on my  list, some examples are moving out and having my own place, working and paying to keep a roof over mine and my families head, having a child, the very mere fact that I was born a female with the xx chromosomes, have breasts and regular period's holds so much more weight to me than the break up between me and my first boyfriend at 16 for example. Yet no one ever sings I became a woman when I had my first child or bought my first car, its always some random relationship problem.

The scary thing is that so many women subscribe to this notion, listening to the song and commenting that the song reminds them of their life, and how much they love the lyric.

Personally I think it gives the wrong person too much credit and a bit too much power, if all they hurt you why say thank you?

If someone runs over my toe's I don't thank them for the pleasure of hurting my foot. Or Punches me square in the face I don't thank them for causing me a nose bleed. The same is true for emotional distress, if someone takes liberties with your heart why then thank them and give them kudos for something that a) you already are (if your already grown) or b) your going to become in time anyway (if your a young woman not yet an adult).


So bdss'er what events shaped you and made you go from girlhood to womanhood? (I'm praying that you all will have more than the usual relationship woes as depicted in the songs) but if not its okay I want to hear from you still.  Guy's does the same hold true for you, does woman stress make you a man? I don't hear any men saying "she got pregnant by Jerome during the relationship but I thank her because she made me a man". Maybe you have them but don't say or sing theses thoughts out loud so no one knows.

Does it take man or woman stress to make you grown? I believe I could do without the stress and be a grown woman anyway but what do you think bdss'ers?

Coincidentally the actual song is sung by a woman but written by a man, this may or may not be significant! What do you think?

I want a husband STAT!!

I woke up early Saturday morning in a real reflective mood.

I did what I normally do when I wake up early but don't particularly want to get out of bed... I went online looking at various tweets and facebook statuses... someone went from in a relationship to "single". Another person was talking about she would go "under the jail" if she had a daughter and a man disrespected her - she nips disrespect in the bud (my kind of women!)
Another person wished his wife a happy birthday and said thank you for being a loving and caring wife...
I don't know if it's because I watched four weddings the night before and one of the brides who was older wore what I considered the most dowdy, unflattering outfit I have every seen (I know to her it was probably perfect and that's what counts!) but it was at that point I said to my partner I don't want to wear an outfit like that on my wedding day (i.e., I don't want to be an older bride!)
That coupled with the husbands birthday speech made me think oh... I want a husband... STAT! Lol  like right now! (your getting an insight into my irrational  mind)

Now you all know I've recently turned 30 and with that came the usual banter about when Mr Si (the lady on twitter was also talking about people abusing husband/wife titles! Hehe) is going to put a ring on it! I got the talk from my father right down to an older work colleague, especially as me and Mr Si have been together for almost a decade! My colleague was almost shouting "what is he waiting for?"
My response was 'it's on the cards' or maybe I said 'it has been discussed...'

Recently some people have just done it! As in... they Met, Fell in love and Married within a short space of time or Met,  Fell in love, Planned to give up everything and get married in a short space of time!

I kind of admire (envy) that. You see almost a decade in I think why did we not do that? Also at a decade in I think we have definitely missed that 'whirlwind' window of opportunity to rush off somewhere exotic (or not) and just do it.
Now I think life has got in the way (i.e., work, raising children, finances) and any talk of marriage is puncuated with an "after we have done this..." or "after we have done that..."

I guess I wrote all of this to ask any married people or non married; even non believing in marriage people (is it just a piece of paper?) what made you just do it? or not just do it? Also how did you know she or he was 'the one' you wanted to marry? what makes a women marriage material fellas and women what makes a man marriage material? Am I even marriage material? How do you know?

Also I was ease dropping on my colleague who was having the same discussion of "when" with another colleague who has been with her partner the same length of time as myself. Now her response to the question was interesting. She basically said that if  she and her partner had gotten married right at the beginning then so be it; but as they have left it so long and also depending on the side of the bed she wakes up on she somethings thinks it would be nice to marry him and then at other times she is glad she is not married as she thinks if one day she wants to go off and do her own things she does not have any ties! interesting...

Anyways what are your thoughts BDSSers?

5 Sign's of a good man

As the old saying goes, the course of true love does not run smoothly and I speak as one of the unattached many, when I say that my relationship road, has been a very bumpy road indeed. Relationships are not like the fairy tales depicted by Walt Disney, and although they say that you have to kiss many frogs to find a prince, alot of the time it can feel like you have kissed one too many frogs, and your left wondering are their any good guys out there.

I saw this in an email the other day:

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, and sensitive man? 

A: A rumor 

Okay so it was sent as part of a longer jokey man bashing email, but  I think it's quite apt for this post, it can feel like a good man is some kind of mythological being much like a unicorn or big foot or the loch ness monster. Some people believe in his existence but he is rarely seen or encountered. After a week in which I had a woman sobbing for a whole day at work over a man and also some other relationship fatalities, It got me wondering how do you spot when a man is sincere, genuine and for want of a better description a "good man". 

I scoured the Internet in search of the answers and I also asked a few of the women I know who are coupled up and in long term relationships and I assume content.

Some of the answers were as follows:

"if he is a man of his word" or "he does what he say's he is going to do" - from a woman in an 8 year relationship.

"I can just see it in the way he looks at me" - From a woman in 1 year and a half relationship.

"He had a strong work ethic, and immediately he used it to advance us and our family' - From woman in 7 year relationship.

 "He showed love and affection to his family and friends, which made me feel like he would be able to show that to me" - From a woman in a 3 year relationship.

"little boys play around, real men settle down" - From a woman in a 8 year relationship.

So these are some of the things said by women who felt that they were in relationships with great men.

When I searched the Internet and read a few blogs and websites I found the following piece very insightful and interesting.

Mr self development.com - 3 signs of a good man 

A man with a heart, brain and courage very important.as illustrated by the above.

Other signs include:

1) Showing you respect - A man that has respect for you as a whole, your feelings and your thoughts, your space, your time, for you as the unique person that you are from the start of your relationship. Do not stick around if someone is disrespectful to you from the start, a good man will show you respect and also demand you respect them back.

2) Showing emotional maturity - A man who does not over-react or lash out when times get challenging. They can deal with life's, stresses, strains, emotional disagreements in a rational way. They can also deal with their own and their partners emotions. Have you ever been with someone who avoids conversations concerning feelings. It becomes frustrating as they are immature.

3) They are ready to commit - There are many men out there who are ready to commit and be serious, you may have come across them and have felt that they are not right for you or you for them, but when they find the right woman, there is no beating around the bush, they are proposing and getting married in no time.

4) They take care of themselves - financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically - they have focus in important area's of their life, these area's may not be perfect but they are aware of the issues and changes that need to be made, and they do it. A person can not be a help or support to anyone else unless you are able to take care of themselves first and foremost.

5) They are able to give love and to show it. A man that is a bit sensitive and emotional is not a bad thing as long as he is doing all of the above mentioned manly things. There needs to be a balance.

These are a few of my good men traits and characteristics, you may have some more, so BDSS'ers feel free to discuss and add to the list, maybe you have some I have not thought off. 

The whole point of the post  is to show that there are great men out there and to give you some tips of how to recognise them when they appear.  

Happy dating......... 

The BDSS Hols 2011

T'was Long Overdue!

If you follow us on Twitter or Facebook you will know that we, The BDSS ladies, have recently just returned from a week long holiday in Tenerife. Aaah, it was so sunny and hot whilst we were there; and we are still looking tan-tastically brown and sun kissed from many days lounging on the beach, soaking up the rays and just generally feeling sensational in our bikinis.

To say we had a fabulous time is an understatement; we can hardly finds words to describe just how much fun it was, therefore we think it only fitting to describe it using a fraction of the hundreds of pictures we came back with (and we mean hundreds!)

Sel preparing the holiday post

Before the trip

Now, we had a 'situation' that we needed to consider since when we found and booked the holiday, we were unable to as friends as it was apparently aimed at couples or families. But this opportunity was too good to pass us by so ... we became girlfriends. Not the 'hey girl!' kind but more like the 'this is my life partner'! (which is not entirely a lie - we're down for life!)

Anyhoo, let's not dwell on the minuscule details ... ;p

Beautiful

The Resort
So, our trusty Thomas Cook cabin had the privilege of taking us lovelies to our destination. It was so dreary when we left as per the usual British weather that it was extra refreshing when we arrived at the resort.

The resort itself was clean and comfortable and our room overlooked an endless view of the Atlantic Ocean. The only problem; we felt as though we had jumped into a new series of Little Britain meets Benidorm! We arrived at our resort early evening and we noticed a gleaming sign in the lobby saying 'Tonight Karaoke!' (and other fun stuff). Si being eager to get the party started spotted it and said that we should check it out, so we thought - let's go! 

Looks even prettier on the way out!

So we freshened up, went out for a bite to eat and headed back to the resort with what must have been high hopes as all we found were children dancing on stage singing along to 'Aga-Do', 'Steps' and dancing the conga train whilst the adults remained at their tables clapping.

Whilst we were sat at a table drinking the cocktails we hastily ordered (and downed) to drown our sorrows, we all had the distinct feeling that somehow we did not belong at this 'kind' of resort. Maybe it was the way the patron's looked at us as we entered the room (as if we were aliens or worse, locals!). Or maybe it was the fact their stares lasted a little too long (ok true say, we were looking fabulous!). But it definitely was the fact that not one of them raised a polite smile on eye contact which nearly threatened to pop the 'happy holiday' bubble.

A disappointing experience, to say the very least and we vowed there and then that it was not one that needed repeating. We realised that being the only blacks in the resort (or village!), the resort would be used for sleeping purposes only!

Our sh*tty trusty little runabout

The Car

So we hired a car the next day which would enable us to do just that! Our little Citroen C5; it was sh*t but saved our holiday! Debs and Si as the nominated drivers were reminded of their first ever cars with the tough pedals and gearbox that might as well have been a 100Kg gym weight!

You have to know that this was the first time either Debs or Si have driven outside of the UK; on the 'wrong' side of the road! But it made for great adventure as we set off on our second day trying to find a beach and simultaneously avoid the wing mirrors of parked cars or simply plummeting off of the winding, Formula One, cliff edge style roads! Si says Debs was much better at adjusting to it since her first attempt saw her pull over to the side of the road in a panic; sweating and screaming "I can't do it!"

Debs on the other hand felt quite chuffed with herself with the first trip out of the rental compound and then onto the beach but later that night had suggested a drive (which considering what the resort may have had in store seemed to be a fantastic idea) in which we got lost and found ourselves heading miles into the centre of a very dark & unfamiliar island. With the help of our Sat Nav (i.e. Sel), we managed to find our way back to the resort safely. 

Playa del Duque

By Day...

We hit the beaches - Playa de San Juan, Playa de Fañabé and Playa del Duque, all in the region of Costa Adeje; in search of that perfect combination of sun, sea, sand and ssss .... sangria! We literally laid for hours on sun loungers and would only move to turn over or to take brave dips in and out of the cold Atlantic sea.

Beach Babes!

Sel absolutely loved the days we spent lounging on the beach and then heading back and getting ready for a night out! No kids, no men or work related stress; a prescription of endless fun and R&R.

Not to mention she was with her BDSS ladies, the laughter and pure nonsense was endless!!

Bi - and not a minute too soon!

Bi was the final BDSSer to join us 3 days later and we were waiting for her to arrive and dump her bags so that we could whisk her straight off to the beach.

Bunch of Posers!

 We met some lovely people and none more so than Giamp and Raphaele who became honorary BDSSers for the week and joined us on many a trip. They were Italian, with only one speaking decent Spanish and minimal English and what with us being British and Debs doing the majority of the most basic Spanish and absolutely no Italian, where it not for Google Translator we would've have missed out!!

Cute, no??

Si soaking it up!

Debs was on point!

Sel finding her inner model!

The Motley Crew!

One of many beach-side dinners!

By Night...

We partied! From Los Cristianos with its numerous bars playing everything from salsa and reggaeton to dance, pop and funky house. It was here we found Magic (which should have been called Illusion instead!) Las Americas on the other hand had more of a variety a number of plush wine bars to the downright typical British clubbing precinct which was home to Veronicas (which to Si resembled a night on the town in Maidstone with its cheap shots, bar hopping, drunkenness, people falling over, the smell of sick and bad dancing!) and Tramps which ... says it all really!!

Bailando!

VIP is how it's done in Tibu

The highlight of our clubbing experience was Tibu in Las Americas. Not only was it plush but there were sexy androgynous dancers, live music and the crowd was very nice (but for a few coke snorting crazy eyed looking people).

We had a fabulous time. Sel and Debs podium danced, Bi was being woo'ed by a guy with his heart on his sleeve (more on that later) and Si had a fabulous marathon dance with another Italiano - it was so hyped, we can't remember the last time we were still going hard at minutes to 6.00am!

We then went for chicken and chips in SFC (Spanish Fried Chicken?!)

Night after the Tibu night before!

The Food

The food was truly a spectrum of the most wonderful flavours and unbelievable portions to the downright questionable. I mean, whoever heard of  Chinese & Indian BBQ Buffet?! A dodgy concept actually turned out alright (maybe the hungry was no longer discriminating) but Sel's reassurance was restored some when we saw the owners sit down and eat their own produce (so, no one's pet cat then!) 

Back to the portions; they were HEALTHY to say the least and you certainly got your money's worth. Lazing on the beach all day is hungry/thirsty work so we were all to ready to stop by many a restaurant and to refuel.

The Men

You know the feeling when you're really excited about something and you don't know what to do with all that pent up energy? Well then you'll understand that we became quite open-minded with respects to the local 'talent'; expect we were not exactly overwhelmed with Spanish stallions. More like eager beavers and love sick ponies haha!

for the singles amongst us (and also the attached ladies who enjoy a bit of eye candy) no such Spanish men were to be found! In fact, we noticed the overly groomed look of some of the Spanish men which lead to questions around sexuality; not that we're saying that the metrosexual male looks gay, it was just extremely difficult to determine half the time!

Other variants of men we encountered were the Italian kind. Our Italian buddies, with whom we went to bars, beaches and dinners were lovely but were more like honorary girlfriends than the stallions we had envisaged. But who cared, we had more fun with them than we could have imagined!

The men we did encounter wear their hearts (or maybe another part of their anatomy) on their sleeves!  Debs had just the one dance with a guy because before he could finished spinning her around he went in straight for the kill!, I mean WTF man!! Sel was in hysterics as all she could hear was "Justa waan, justa little waan!" with Debs screaming "no, no NOOO!! 

Another BDSSer hadn't even danced with this guy; just sat and talked with him but before she knew it; he could not "live without her" and he also tried going in for a kiss! We have video evidence of him being told to behave haha!

Some of them had been through heartache and we found out about it ... over dinner! The mood suddenly darkened a little where it seemed as though we had found ourselves in a therapy session, where the theme was wicked ex girlfriends and destroyed lives.

Bizarre! It was such a contrast to the BDSS dating culture at home. The only excuse to go in for a kiss on a first dance would be blind drunkenness (in which case you would not get a dance in the first place!) but most appeared to be pretty much sober.

It was all good fun BDSSers and so overdue as until then, we had never all been away together which is kind of hard to believe. As in the wise words of Jay-Z it will be "onto the next one, onto the next one" - any suggestions??

Plus there was a big tune out there. When this song came on everyone went absolutely mad and rightly so as it's a great track! It most definitely became the theme tune to our holiday: 

We would like to use this opportunity to say thank you to all our regular readers for regularly stopping by the blog and we appreciate your presence x

It's a BDSS Birthday - Si & Sel!

The Birthday Ladies - 30 & still looking fabulous!

That’s right! Two of our 4 favourite BDSS’ers have hit yet another a happy milestone of their lives so I wanted to share a quick token of our love and respect for these lovely ladies with you, and the special bond that has kept us united for the past 12 years – in the form of pictures!

BDSS - Sel

To me, you’ve always been the most serene out of all of us. Where Bi and Si are down to roll with hammers, spray paint and keys in the direction of the ex’s car (too much Red Bull me thinks!), I feel you have the calmer and more logical approach to such matters. Well, that was until you gave your phone away at Tibu . . .

You’re beautiful, smart, intelligent, loving and supportive and a wonderful mother to a stunning young man. Even through times of trials you remain positive and this inspires me to keep my head up through mine. I’ve watched you emerge from your caterpillar cocoon (or floor length puffer!) into a butterfly with a spectrum of qualities that dazzles the lives of those blessed to know you and stuns those who try to dampen your flame.

BDSS - Si

From Day One in 1999, Si and I were all about the clubs yo! Fridays, Saturdays and even Sundays (Capital was our spot!) This may be news to you, but get on Si’s wrong side at your peril (Haha – will say no more!). 

Also a source of inspiration to me, Si has shown the rest of us what it really means to be in a loving, grounded relationship with the ultimate blended family unit.

It’s a blessing that you’re more than deserving of and it is a part of the foundation that has created the woman that you are today. Also the mother to another stunning young man, you continue to demonstrate that nothing is out of reach, once you are willing to put your heart and soul into it.

We love these girls dearly, Bi and I. We met as adolescents and can now look back over the last 12 years at our wealth of memories as sisters. Let me tell you, all of these ladies have been there for me MORE SO than my own blood so give me water any day!! We have shared the good, the lovely, the funny, the hysterical, right down to the dark and heartbreaking moments – and we remained a unit throughout.

So once again, a very, very Happy 30^th Birthday – here’s to the next 30 years xx

Danza!!!

Six Uses for female Orgasm Sounds...(warning: does contains orgasm sounds)

So I was browsing the Internet trying to find the following study regarding female vocalisations during sex and its correlation to orgasm. The article is shown below.

Why the sounds women make in bed have little to do with her orgasm - and everything to do with her partner

If your interested in such things please click the link. Also please find below the abstract of the study its not a complelling study:

Evidence to Suggest that Copulatory Vocalizations in Women Are Not a Reflexive Consequence of Orgasm.

Gayle Brewer, Colin A Hendrie

School of Psychology, University of Central Lancashire, Preston, Lancashire, PR1 2HE, England, gbrewer@uclan.ac.uk.

The current studies were conducted in order to investigate the phenomenon of copulatory vocalizations and their relationship to orgasm in women. Data were collected from 71 sexually active heterosexual women (M age = 21.68 years +/-.52) recruited from the local community through opportunity sampling. The studies revealed that orgasm was most frequently reported by women following self-manipulation of the clitoris, manipulation by the partner, oral sex delivered to the woman by a man, and least frequently during vaginal penetration. More detailed examination of responses during intercourse revealed that, while female orgasms were most commonly experienced during foreplay, copulatory vocalizations were reported to be made most often before and simultaneously with male ejaculation. These data together clearly demonstrate a dissociation of the timing of women experiencing orgasm and making copulatory vocalizations and indicate that there is at least an element of these responses that are under conscious control, providing women with an opportunity to manipulate male behavior to their advantage. 

Who runs the world? Girls! lol!

It might be quite interesting for the men to discover that women are not moaning whilst orgasming. However for women its not surprising we fake some shit some times.

Anyways back to the title of the post, as I was researching the study and the articles written. I found that there are a few websites that specialise in female orgasm sounds (naive old me is thinking why do we need these for?), then I thought could this be some type of fetish, and quite randomly it made me start toying with the ideas of what else female orgasm sounds could be used for......hmmmm.....

http://www.soundboard.com/sb/Orgasm_sounds.aspx
Example website given above (don't open at work obviously or on the bus)

1) During lame sex - you want your man to hurry up and come, your not particularly enjoying it, so as demonstrated by the study above, it could be appropriate to use a pre-recorded female orgasm noise (maybe recorded on your phone), you can mime along to it....hopefully he won't notice. Try it let us know how you get on.

2) Kung fu movies - the scene in the film when the two fighters are going in, picture, Jackie Chan goes in for a round house kick to his opponents face, upon impact your hear the female orgasm sound. That is a  powerful sound effect.

3) Talking of sound effects I am sure that they have been dubbing women tennis with the female orgasm sound for years. I watched a women's game earlier this year and felt slightly embarrassed lol!

4)You can use it as a doorbell - The postman comes to delivery your packages, he rings the doorbell, the female orgasm sound comes bellowing out and he drops your package and runs.

5) Getting attention from guys - Your in a club and you shimmy up to some fine and sexy brother, you make eye contact, he comes close and he looks at you, you go talk and as your lips part the female orgasm sound comes out.

6) Car horns - Just stop and imagine for a second let your mind wonder picture a world with female orgasm sound car horns....

Okay so these are some of my weird and wacky uses for the female orgasm sounds found via google, can you bdss'ers think of any others?