Good Vibrations

Now any readers with a sensitive disposition I love ya, but please read another post because I wouldn’t want to offend anybody. I will see you at my next post which won’t be based around sex - I promise!

So there I was having a lovely cuppa with my girl J, and we got to talking about numerous things to do with sex. Call me ‘Ms Out There’ - but yes, I ain’t gonna lie, I am not a prude and I do love a good ol sex chat with my ladies. Over our glasses of wine - or tea, me and the ladies are able to discuss our latest experiences, offer advice or have a giggle (we‘ve had plenty of those), plus get tips! Now I’ve had mind blowing experiences when it comes to sex, but unfortunately on certain occasions there have been times where it’s been lets say - rubbish! You know the times when you are FAKING it ladies, but in your mind you are counting down the thrusts, listening to your fake ass moans, and just thinking ‘hurry up and come, hurry up and come’. Now this could be because the man is rubbish in bed, hasn’t warmed the oven properly, or you are just not in the mood.

Now a few years back I was temping at Erotica which is an annual Adult Porn Industry exhibition here in London. I wasn’t, may I add doing anything untoward! I was actually walking around taking surveys from the normal and very weird folk that attended. My main reason for working there was having the opportunity to see Dita Von Tease perform her wonderfully seductive show for free loads of times, plus I had always been curious about what the show was about. Well I can honestly say I saw and experienced things that I never want to see AGAIN, Debs knows exactly what I mean!

At the end of the show all the workers got a goody bag with all sorts of things in it. Body paint, Nipple Tassels, Whips, Hand Cuffs and a Vibrator. I was single at the time so was a little disappointed that I couldn’t put my freebies to good use. It’s then I properly clocked the vibrator which was tiny, I was no stranger to vibrators having been brought one by an ex, but this one didn’t look like much at all. I read the wrapper and it was a called a bullet ‘The Ultimate Clitoral Stimulator’ hmmm I thought, I tossed it to one side and thought nothing of it.

One particular day I was feeling …….. (I will let you fill in the space) and clocked ‘The Bullet’, well I don’t know if any of you have watched the episode of Sex in The City when Charlotte gets addicted to her vibrator….Well that was me! I would actually come home, make sure the coast was clear and get that thing out daily, I was hooked! That little bit of plastic sent me to places that any man would find it difficult to send me for numerous reasons, the main ones being:

A. It never required anything in return!

B. It never got tired.

C. I could use it when I felt like it!

D. I could place it exactly where I liked and it would stay put!

After a few weeks the thing ran out of battery, and I started to realise that although it had the positives stated above, it didn’t replace true intimacy with someone you are attracted to and love. So I actually never replaced the batteries, but can look back on my love affair with my vibrator with fond memories.

So BDSS ladies have you had any such experiences with sexual objects? Or perhaps your only sexual object could only ever be a man?! Readers please share your thoughts too.

Something new

Have you ever seen the film "Something new", with Sanaa Lathan and Simon Baker? The film where a black woman gets set up on a blind date by a friend and she is surprised to find its with a white man, who she then goes on to fall for although she had never dated outside her race before. Come to think of it ,it's not exactly a topic that's something new. and I'm sure dating outside your race is not as awkward and complicated as the film makes out. Or maybe bdsser's the first date actually is if you've never dated outside your race before! Your stories and tales of this are very welcome. Get commenting!

But back to a friend of mine who since becoming single recently, they're considering trying something new.

They have only ever dated black men. Myself to, although I can recall having feelings for someone in school when I was in my early teens, I asked him out (lol ha ha I'm not going to pretend he said yes and lie to make myself look better in this post!) He said no, something about him having a girlfriend. I felt quite upset at the time and maybe that set me on the road to only dating black men, I'm joking of course, I really don't know, but since that ill fated attempt to date outside my race (not that race entered my mind at the time) I've never tried it again.

My friend has only recently started to think that maybe she is really limiting her dating opportunities.

And talking it over with a few other friends, a lot of them tend to agree that while everybody has their preferences when it comes to who they date, there is nothing wrong with dating outside that preference to a degree.

There is the saying that variety is the spice of life!

I know many couples in relationships of all sorts of combinations of race, happy, miserable, volatile, stress-free relationships. Typical, normal relationships.

So she is consciously open to the idea of dating outside her race for once and she says it feels slightly liberating.

Bdss'er's the floor is your's what do you think about dating outside of your race?

If you've never done so or if you exclusively do so, is that due to a conscious decision?

Your thoughts, feelings and opinions are all very much welcome.

Think your way to orgasm

Let's talk about sex baby okay salt & pepa!

So I was reading in femail magazine last week, that there are women who can think themselves to orgasm (are you one of these women do tell?), so I thought oh yes this is a must read article, maybe they have included a step by step guide to achieving this (who wouldn't want to orgasm at any moment of your choosing, in the supermarket, during a boring telephone conference at work these are just some examples of places, you can probably think of more orthodox places ie in the bedroom but my point is that you could knock yourself out orgasming all over the place! All day if you had a day off ; ) that would be fun but unfortunately it wasn't meant to be, there followed an article talking about how a scientist has been investigating the female orgasm and how the few women that are able to bring themselves to orgasm by thinking, when their brains were studied they found that the same area's that show activity when a woman has a physical orgasm, were showing in these lucky thinking orgasm women yada yada yada boring!

No instructions were included at all :(

But it got me wondering how important is the orgasm to enjoyable sex? I read a lot of Dear Deirdre problem pages, and there is always a problem which goes along the lines of:

“I wonder if you can help me I can not orgasm when I have sex with my gorgeous boyfriend help!”

or from a partner saying

“my girlfriend/wife never orgasms when we have sex I worry that she is not enjoying it”

Surely you can have enjoyable sex without orgasming, there are indeed a percentage of women who we know can't orgasm. So why do women and some men put such a huge emphasis on it?

And also what can you do to ensure that you are having a great sex life regardless?

My advise would be that once you have figured out what you like and enjoy (vibrators, whipped cream, dirty talk, whips and chains etc etc), never be afraid to ask for it from your partner! Sex should be a bit of give and take.

And when it comes to orgasm don't feel like you have to fake it. Enjoy it! If it happens it happens! Alternatively if you want to explore making yourself orgasm there are plenty of books and toys on the market to start experimenting with ;)

Can my fellow bdss's offer any advise and how important is the orgasm to you?