Have you checked yourself lately? I mean really checked who you are? Stripped of the labels we are often given by our family, friends, work colleagues etc. Who are you to you? What does it mean to be you? Are you happy? Are there any negative similarities with your life, and that of your parents?
The reason why I ask these questions is because these are some of the questions that I have asked myself and a few of my peers over the past few months. Having gained a range of answers, I have noticed one recurring theme 'parents or guardians'.
They say that the first seven years of a child’s life shapes them for the rest of their lives, therefore many of us who have had some negative experiences in our childhoods find the past effecting us even when are not consciously aware of it. Obviously each of us is shaped differently so one experience may not be viewed negatively by another or have the same impact. A few weeks ago I was reading an article about two thirty something twins, deep in the grips of anorexia which they had developed in secondary school. Both women were intelligent, had had stable upbringings with two loving parents but just could not escape the grips of this dreadful illness. When describing what had triggered the illness some of the reasons given were: moving from state to private education, being competitive with each other, but the reason that stood out for me the most was a comment that their father had innocently made. Noticing his daughters were going through puberty he must have innocently said something along the lines of “My girls are no longer girls now”. The twins became very resentful towards this statement thus their developing bodies and made a deadly decision to maintain their prepubescent bodies even at their own peril. This a strong example of the negative implications that our parents can have on our lives even has adults, and very innocently. The twins are a good example because you can physically see the damage that they are doing to their bodies, but there are many of us walking around with emotional weights on our shoulders that cannot be seen, and these 'weights' are not being dealt with.
Through the years it's amazed me just how many people find it acceptable to justify their own negative behavioural patterns on their parents actions. They have sometimes come out with statements such as “I'm not a great Dad/Mum because of my parents” or “I act this way because of my parents relationship”. Identifying the source of your issues is just one step to resolving them. Parents of course are meant to nurture and guide us in the right direction, but they're human too. Some of us feel the need to act like a child and pass the buck back to them when repeating their behaviour. Some of us don't actually question their actions: “What made my parent/s act this way?” or “What effect did this action have on my life?”, “Should I continue this sort of behaviour myself?” Almost like a guide book we follow what we have seen, even though we know the outcome isn't necessarily positive.
Obviously we are no longer children and it is important has adults that we start identifying certain behavioural patterns so that we no longer repeat them. We may not know what caused our parents behaviour, they have their own experiences, and it is important to be mindful of the implications that repeating our pasts or letting our pasts effect us negatively can have on our children or partners. A few years ago whilst taking my A-levels I wrote an essay on the play Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams. Whilst describing one of the main character's relationships with her mother I used the term 'Invisible Umbilical Cord' to describe the hold that the mother had over her daughter's life. Although of course the umbilical cord is a connection a baby shares with his/her mother I also use this term to identify the relationship a child has with his or her father or guardian. This 'cord' can be a wonderful thing, a link that can never be broken, one of the closest bonds we can have. But it can also link us negatively to issues even when we don't realise it.
I was speaking to a very dear friend about the relationship she had with her mother. She hadn't had contact with her mother for many years, and had built up so much resentment, even though her mother wasn't physically in her life she was haunting it. My friend is a loving parent and by no means even resembles her own mother in regards to parenting, but I use the term 'haunted' because even though she would argue that she was over the let down, hurt and shame felt by growing up without a mother, they were clearly hurting because the past feelings had not adequately been dealt with. Part of overcoming this hurt is not blaming yourself. My friend was extremely angry when talking about her mother, and I felt part of this anger was because of all the negative things that she had internalised her mother as thinking: perhaps she wasn't good enough, worth it, and didn't deserve her mothers love etc. I tried to explain as best as I could that she doesn't know what issues were going off in her mothers life, clearly you have to be in a negative place mentally or physically not to take care of your own child, therefore I encouraged my friend to try and not personalise the should have, would have, could have, so much, in order to let go. Even though their behaviour was unintentional their mother in this instance was still having a negative impact on her life.
Some of us with major gripes find it very difficult to confront our parents about whatever they have done to cause us pain. When we do confront them we may not get the response we are actually wanting, on other occasions this can be a profound experience and our parents can open up a door that they perhaps didn't feel needed to be opened or didn't realise how we may have felt. Confrontation isn't always necessary or even possible, therefore perhaps a step in the right direction is looking inwards at yourself and answering some of the questions at the top of the post, and thinking what behaviour is causing you or those around you pain that is relative to your past experiences and what steps you can take to transform your own behaviour.
It is important to remember no matter how many years we have been acting a certain way, it is possible to transform our lives profoundly just by taking small steps. Most importantly we have to want to change, and also recognise what needs to be worked upon. It also helps to have the support of friends, family and your religion if you have one. A familiar complaint I have heard from women is: “I attract this sort of man because of my own father”, this can be a good and bad thing. Some women have a very stable, loving and trusting relationship with their fathers, therefore when looking for a partner have an added advantage of having a clear definition of what a man with these qualities acts like. On the other hand women who have a distorted relationship with their father, or he is absent. Sometimes (not always) find themselves attracting men similar to their father, perhaps men that lack commitment, or they may not trust men and find it difficult to form stable relationships. Again once these problems have been identified and addressed you can take a step in the right direction to meeting the person who is right for YOU.
I was recently speaking to one of my own parents about my views on relationships which was virtually a carbon copy as to the ideologies that I was raised with. After I had finished this particular statement I was told that although I was raised to think this way and was obviously acting this process out in my life, having grown wiser and lead that example it was actually not a positive or very productive way to think, and I could do myself more harm than good. I was then told some sterling advice in regards to my situation, even though it was the opposite of what I had been raised to do or think! I left the conversation thinking 'wow', parents don't always get things right.
Take the positive from your past. The love, happiness, memories, and all the extraordinary acts that our parents or care givers have shown us. Embrace this and share this with your children and partners. But don't be a slave to the past! If you're hurting share it with friends your family, do not view counselling or life coaching negatively. I know many people that have put to bed many issues not just to do with their pasts, and led positive lives without an emotional dark cloud hanging over their heads. Get to know YOU, identify what it means to be YOU. Try and create positive behavioural patterns that make YOU feel positively happy. Don't spend years, months, weeks in the past, we have futures for a reason. But most importantly just be YOU!*
*If you are feeling depressed in anyway for whatever reason please do not suffer in silence, seek medical attention from your health care professional.
