Step-families, How Do You Get it Right?

Step-Families

A few weeks ago I was surfing the net and stumbled on a parenting website, whilst at the site I came across a problem page, and read in disbelief as a man described pure hatred for his 4-year old step daughter. He complained about how she slept in the bed next to her mother because she was scared, and that her mother wasted their valuable time together by reading her stories, and taking her shopping. He hated the way she looked, spoke, acted and somehow delusionally felt that readers would offer him a sympathetic ear. Whoa, this man clearly didn't know what had hit him, because response after response was quite rightly telling him exactly where he should go and that he was by no means fit to be living under the same roof as this poor child. 

Now being a mother myself I was horrified not only for this poor child but also for her mother, who probably thought that this man was a really nice guy, and had been taken in by his deceit. By no means is it just some men that feel this way about their step children. A few years back I knew a lady that couldn’t stand her step son, of course she would never have admitted it to his father, but behind closed doors she described how she would hope that he would be killed in an accident, just so she could have his father to herself. She knew she was behaving disgustingly and even warned me about who I had around my own child “Because people think the way I do, they just don‘t show it.”

When you have children there is always much worry as to when you should introduce your new partner to your child. I was reading a book by Steve Harvey ‘Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man’ and he stated that women shouldn’t leave it a long time before they introduce a man to their child so that a man could clearly see the everyday running’s of their lives and appreciate their responsibilities. The danger with this is that some men would see this and run a mile leaving you with some explaining to do to your child, whereas if you take your time with introductions and get to know the person and share your life in everyday conversations they will stick around or realise it’s just too much responsibility and leave without getting your kids involved.

A few years back I was dating a guy and I would often notice that he wouldn’t ask about my son even though they hadn’t met. I thought this was impolite and enquired as to how he felt about me having a child, he honestly told me he wasn’t ready to take it on. At the time I was pretty annoyed, but looking back I am appreciative of his honesty, he saved me from a lot of chaos. But I also had to read between the lines. In the past I myself would say that I wouldn’t date someone with a child. By no means was it because of the child, but what came with the child, such has their mother = an ex girlfriend or wife. I have had my fair share of baby mama drama and it’s not the nicest of experiences, but I now have a completely different view of dating people with children, which is pretty much down to the individual and how they deal with the situation. I also used to think that people with children would have a better understanding of parenting and would therefore be better step-parents, I now believe it’s what is in the persons heart regardless of whether they have children or not.

Sometimes people go into relationships and see the children as being separate to their parents, and I think the examples at the top of the post illustrate this. Rather than thinking that this woman or man comes has a package with their child therefore your love and respect for the person you are with should also include the child, sometimes people see the parent and child separately which is just heading for disaster.

Talking from experience I know that it’s not easy being a step-parent; you are dealing with a child that you have not raised and are most likely being watched by the whole family and your partner as to how you are treating this child so have added pressure. Plus you may even have a child that resents the situation and use you as their target. I feel that it is very important to communicate any worries you have with your partner and think about how you both want to raise the child. I think that the basis should be to treat the child how you would treat your own, or would want your own child treated in such a situation. This is sometimes not completely possible in every way because you may clash (for example) with discipline and it isn’t always easy to start disciplining a child that you haven’t raised. The most important thing is to work actively to develop a bond with the child and see a positive relationship with them as being just as important as being a loving husband or partner.

I’ve known many people who have been raised in step families and have had brilliant relationships with their step-parents. I also know people who’ve had a nightmare growing up with step parents, mainly because core issues and foundations were not set up by the adults. So Readers and BDSSers would you date a man or woman with a child? If you have done, what have your experiences been? Do you think it’s possible to treat a step child as your own? When is the right time to introduce your child to a new partner?