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| "It's been 6 months...where are we going?" |
The reason I ask is because over the past few months I have witnessed a close friend of mine trying to establish a label-less 'thing' with someone else which never really got off the ground. The reason I think I did not get off the ground (or part of the reason) is because they never really had a clearly defined label for what the 'thing' occurring was. (Bear with me because even I feel I have not really explained it properly!).
You see she liked him and he liked her. They sneaked kisses here and there; they went for dinner dates and took trips to the cinema, the clubs and did other exciting stuff together. They also had in-depth conversations about what was going on with their lives their dreams, their ambitions and they even had sex a couple of times, but still no official label.
Conventional wisdom used to be that if she likes him and he likes her; and they engaged in all of the above the label most appropriate to be applied to them is that of 'couple'
Unfortunately today's conventional wisdom when she likes him and he likes her; and they engage in all of the above resembles more the modern FB's status of 'it's complicated'
Applying the appropriate label and at what time seems to be very complicated indeed these days; especially in the beginning stages of meeting someone.
Try to apply a label too soon and you may come off as desperate (which in most cases is detrimental). However put off labelling for too long and then requesting/demanding a label be applied; you may be met with some sort of resistance usually the old why fix what's not broken chestnut.
It's the classic 'where are we going' conundrum after 6 months of engaging in couple behaviour and not actually declaring yourself a couple. What do you do BDSS'er?
I read a very interesting piece in clutch magazine a few weeks back in which the author Danielle Pointdujour was discussing a similar theme: Hopelessly committed to non-commitment
In the piece Danielle described the different stages of a committed but non-committed relationship:
At six months - things are great, he is great, everything is great –no label applied.
At twelve months – things are still going great, he is expressing the same sentiments as you but still no official label applied – 'its complicated' and 'why fix what's not broken' statements are made.
At two years - Things are greater still– you're living together with a young child but you realise still no official label applied - 'baby mother' does not really cut it! ha ha
Again what do you do? The author asked some interesting questions such as do you give up an otherwise perfect 'thing' which has no official relationship label?
I mean from the outside looking in, you act like a couple, think like a couple but between the two of you any discussion about an official label has been avoided so to not rock the boat. It is possible that this perfect 'thing' does not come with a wedding ring (all the ladies shudder ha!).
Me personally I love labels in fact when my friend was giving me all the juicy details of the label-less 'thing' that was going on between her and the person she likes (and who likes her back), I would often ask questions like:
“So… are you a couple.. then?”
“What is he saying, THEN?”
“What's going on with you and him....THEN?”
Clearly with the use of the word 'then' at the end of every question I was desperate to define what was going on between the two with some sort of label: 'f buddies', 'friends with benefits', 's*xing', 'lovers, 'mistress' or 'couple' any label would have sufficed after 6 months! lol
I think after a few months even my friend was confused because my questions where often met with the following response “nothing!” meaning just that 'nothing' official (label-less!)
I think labels are important because you know where you stand when dealing with someone. For instance if you're 'f-buddies' you know he's is not trying to 'wife' you. The label means what it says on the tin you f**king and that is all!
If your in an 'open' relationship you know your free to see other people.
As 'friends with benefits' the 'friends' part speaks volumes for when he wants to move on to someone else - as his 'friend' you still have to be there for him and do 'friend' stuff - no hating on the next 'girlfriend' or 'friend with benefits'.
It you're a 'couple' you know your not suppose to see other people (conventionally speaking). You know your only suppose to put all your affections into that one person.
A label set boundaries people! A label identifies a particular path the relationship should (or may) take. Having a label often means you know how to act; you know where you stand with a nice juicy label.
My friend 'ended' her 'thing' because it was going nowhere. Not only that she did not know how to act about certain issues. For instances if a week went by with hardly any communication could she call him up and complain? you know have the why don't you call me conversation normally reserved for couples - nope why? because "nothing" was happening i.e., they were not a couple!
So anyways BDSS'ers do you agree that labels count? Can you relate? Have you ever been in a label-less relationship? What label defines your current relationship?
