So here I am, on International Women's Day (true talk!), a month before my next birthday and a year on from the most significant sequence of events ever to shape my life, wondering when I'm going to become 'myself again' - the 'woman' that I am.
Yesterday marked a year since the most unimaginable (for me) occurred; the birth and death of my firstborn - Jayden and I'm telling you; it's only now I'm older that I understand what grown folks were on about when they talk about 'a year in a day' since although a year ago everything is still quite vivid like it was only yesterday, and this can make you feel as though you're not moving on as fast or productively as the world perhaps expects. Especially where there aren't many positive or productive distractions, you can feel isolated in your thoughts and before you know it the weeks and months pass you by in a heartbeat.
Unbeknownst to me, that day would mark the beginning of the set of trials that were to follow in 2010. As per the BT Moving Home ad about the 'list of top 10 most stressful things to happen in your life' (for the record, he was quite fortunate to have experienced those simultaneous 3!!), a birth, a death, a breakup, a house move (and a violin playing neighbour upstairs!!) amongst other contenders in such a short space is a real test of one's temperament, patience and even faith and not to mention overall well-being.
Since yesterday was the actual anniversary, I took the day off work to ensure as smooth of a day as possible. For the first time in months I actually felt ready for this day. I knew that I would drive the 40 minutes my sat nav suggested (and I use that term very loosely!) 'calm', arrive 'calm', and return home to my 'calm' environment. Man did I fail MISERABLY at each and every one - well I say me, but it's more like the overturned lorry spilling oil on the Blackwell Tunnel backing up the traffic towards ANYWHERE trying to get north of the river!!! I was completely stuck with no room to turn around which in any case would've been a waste of time since it was a complete gridlock. Or could it have been the bollard in the road that tried to claim my wing mirror - I swore so hard that if the now hanging class and casing hadn't snapped back into place, I would've finished the job the bollard had started. OR could it have been the fact that I had been driving non-stop for 3 hours like to say I'm on some road trip to Lancashire - C'MON!!!!!
Needless to say, calmness had left my vicinity time ago and with all the delays and failures there was no way I could make it in time so had to turn on my heel and go home - angry at the world as it were.
But as I said, I was 'ready for this day' so I went back today, determined to not let anything else negative get in my way. I arrived with 30 minutes till closing and strangely, it was the perfect time. The sun was out and everything was quiet and still (but for my heels!) and only whilst kneeling at his place of rest, arranging his yellow and white chrysanthemums and white roses and remembering the very brief moments of his existence did I realise that a strange sense of calm had descended on me. Not the emotional visit I had (in honesty) expected, but calm. All of a sudden, it no longer mattered to me that I couldn't make it yesterday and had to return home with the flowers, nor did anything else from my 'endless list of things to worry about' phase me. Just maybe, the things we fear the most may in fact be the actual antidote.
As hard as it can at times be, I like to talk about Jayden with the BDSS girls (and boys - you know who you are!!!) because it keeps his memory alive; I mean, that's what we do for those who were fortunate enough to have lived with for a while, right? I won't pretend I'm fully there and I still have not come to understand why his stay with me was so brief; and maybe I never will, but what I now see is that even though he isn't here with me physically, his 'legacy' can only continue with me picking myself up, dusting down and moving forward.
So in answer to my question at the beginning of this post; I can never really be my(old)self again. But I'm holding onto the notion that all of our experiences in life whether they be good, bad or complex somehow build us into a completely new 'me', allowing us to move into a new and positive direction which without such experiences we may never have taken the opportunity to reflect, retune and resume!
I look at it this way; I have to actually live my life out of respect to those who are unable to and if/when it goes to pot, it's not the end - simply turn the page and continue. In short - if my past pains can be used to help to convey consolation and empathy, or as a tool to ensure that I become an improved friend/family member to others in the future, I have to know that my present has a purpose and it's up to me to define it - in honour and fruition of all life's struggles and strife, and this thought empowers me.
So, today is therefore not only International Women's Day but also a 'Day of Empowerment' (okay - so I made that one up!). How are you empowered to continue on through life's tricky bits, that is, aside from the rum and coke . . . . .
