I will survive

So, with a leap of faith, I've decided to take on board the challenge of starting up this blog (as inspired by a very dear friend) and coincidentally, my starting subject is very much in line with her entry for today entitled 'A Heavy One' - whilst very unfortunate, it is very apt.

Please bear with me on this one.

Today as I sit at my desk (yes I am aware I should be working!), I'm aware that is becoming increasingly difficult to ignore the fact that today should have been my last day - before starting my maternity leave.

2010 had begun a beautiful year. After some real trials and tests, I was able to tell my partner (who will be named 'Beau' from now on), the day before his birthday, that we were expecting. Of course, apprehensions were present initially but all of that quickly subsided as excitement began to take over and for me, the excitement intensified as I got closer and closer to the date of the first scan. Attending a baby show the day before (yes ladies - I had to practically bribe Beau to attend!) made me feel even closer to this little newcomer who was reason for such happiness and feeling of contentment in my life.

Unfortunately, our excitement was to be very short lived.

Me & Beau met up and headed straight to our scan. Bubah was most certainly there (and not just in my imagination, many 1st time mother's at that 3-month stage will understand what I mean!!) punching and kicking and generally looking quite content. Beau reckoned that Bubah had his head shape (tough!) but I thought it was mine (intelligent!), as we continued watching and smiling at the monitor. The longer that time passed, we realised that something was wrong; the repeated tests, the number of doctors and consultants coming in and the additional test for a closer look.

Beau had been re-parking the car at the exact moment the news was delivered to me by what must've been the 5th consultant who had reviewed the images - Bubah had Spina Bifida.

The condition is caused by the failure of the neural tube to close during the first month of embryonic development. If the opening is large enough, this allows a portion of the spinal cord to protrude through the opening in the bones. There are better case scenarios whereby the area can be surgically closed after birth but unfortunately, Bubah's was extreme and unrepairable. It would mean that his quality of life would be very poor with limited chances of survival after birth. So what do we do??? Within an hour, my whole world was now crushed, dark and worthless.

With birds tweeting and the sun shining, Jayden Terry-Reece Anglin was born 7 March 2010 at 01.30am already having been taken by angels to the Lord. My lil man would never see his proud mummy and daddy.

Nothing in this life of mine has been as hard as having to go through this. It's difficult to articulate the depths of all my emotions - guilt, anger, remorse, regret, and all the shoulda/woulda/coulda's that came into affect and is still present, and communicating this to your other half who, in his own way, is also grieving is no easy task. The difficulties throughout this time are even more emphasised when you come along people (pregnant), places (hospitals/doctors), dates (1 month, 2 month, EDD etc) and things (purchases from the baby show) that bring these emotions to the forefront once again, and just when you thought you had moved on astage or two. Today, for me, is one of those days - knowing that the end of the audits I've been facilitating at work was meant to coincide with the end of my duties and an employee and the start of a new set duties as an expectant mother. Physically, my body may be 'healed' and 'readjusted' but mentally and emotionally, I am still on the 40-week timeline.

My apologies for such an emotional start to my blog, but for me to bypass the most significant experience in my life at present and start off with idle chitter chattery (trust me, loads of that to come), would not make this blog true to me. See, what I'm trying to reiterate in my mind is the knowledge that even though the days leading up to and shortly after the terrible time were simply horrific; I survived. From certain days where just waking up was a chore/challenge; I survived. From the 'Groundhog Day', physical feeling of heartache that I'm still surviving; I am keeping faith that I will survive today and the days to come. I ache so much and would do anything for Jayden to be in my arms when he was due to be in less than a month from now, but I know that in the arms of The Lord and his Guardian Angels, he's more content than any of us could ever aspire to be in this world.

He felt/feels no pain, no struggles, no grief - but only the love of his mummy and daddy amplified through Jesus. I know that however hard it has been or will get, I know at least that . . .

I will survive - just like he did.