If you follow us regularly you will have seen Ladyabouttown aka Bi’s recent post regarding relationships, particularly the difficulty when there is a hunter-gatherer complex in the mix (please see here) and disagreement regarding the roles of men and women.
In essence Bi asked the question should gender roles be so rigid in relationships. i.e., the man goes to work and earns the money, whilst the women stays home, take's care of the kids (the home & every thing else).
The majority of commentators responded with a ‘no’ to the idea of gender role’s being so rigid; and I can’t say I was surprised as we live in modern times.
Anyways I don't know why but Bi’s post (and possibly mother's day) got me thinking about roles in relationships that myself and I’m guessing many women (and some men) would not like to play: Your mother, Your personal financier and Your therapist/punching bag…
Your mother
You never came from my womb; I never nursed you at my breast... in other words you are not my child! (Or dependent), therefore I could not imagine ever weighting on you hand and foot. Nor could I imagine or even expect you to weight on me. The possible only exception being as a result of illness which leads to you having an inability to cook, clean, or contribute.
The reason why is because I grew up in a household were if I was hungry I made a sandwich simple as. If I woke up in the morning and my school shirt needed ironing, I ironed it. What I did not do is wait for my mother to come home from her job and ask her to make the sandwich or iron my shirt for me. I listened to my hunger pangs and acted accordingly and I’ve been ironing since I was a child, plus my dad makes delicious meals, so for me to get my head around a grown person not knowing how to do basis daily things such as cooking and cleaning is a stumbling block (all be it a personal one).
Another reason I have no desire to be your mother is because I already have a child and it isn’t easy picking after them, so why would I need that extra stress of having a grown up child? How will that enhance my quality of life?
Heck even people without children don’t want a grown child as a partner, imagine trying to carry yourself to success whilst having to carry someone else because lets face it if you can’t do it and are not willing to learn then it’s just plain laziness.
Further to that just know if you are 25 (I’m being really generous here) and you don’t know how to at the very least to make tuna pasta, wash your clothes or clean the toilet bowl you got serious problems!
Your personal Financer
Sure a little help from me from time to time with a bill or two won’t hurt the relationship maybe you had an unexpected expense that has thrown your money off.
However if every month you are asking me to fork out for your basic’s such as rent/mortgage payment, loans, credit cards and then the not so basic stuff such as your mobile phone bill, your baby mother’s maintenance, your car payment that is in MY name (if I was silly) because you have bad credit and the loan in your sisters name again because of your funny credit, that is a relationship killer right there.
I mean every man (and women) should know how to manage their money at the very least to keep a roof over their head and put food on the table.
Sure there are times when things get out of hand, it’s a recession, things are harder, you were made redundant that is fine but I definitely don’t want to be your personal financer if you would rather spend your money on clothes, creps and flashy things all the while your facing eviction!
Further to that there is nothing more unappealing than a partner with their money priorities messed up. I mean I would be annoyed if I have to foot the bill all the time because you lost your money on a horse.
On a final note…
Your Therapist/punching bag)
What? No thanks… I don’t want to feel like I’ve gone 9 rounds with Mike Tyson because I asked you how your day was.
Or we had a disagreement about whose turn it is to clean the dishes
Or because I stayed out a little later than I planned and did not call (you always assume the worst)
Or because your mother/brother/ex partner was a horrible person
Or because you have ‘issues’ with opening up so you hold it inside until it explodes… on ME.
You know what I mean BDSS’ers it’s the classic my ex-partner cheated on me so now YOU got to pay mentality.
Whilst to a point I might try and understand your pain and work with you, if after a time I’m still walking on eggshells and your issues are stealing my joy or even worse you lash out verbally or physically on ME because of your issues. I’m gone.
I am not a licensed therapist I’m your women. Seek Help
So there you have it BDSS’ers just a few roles I would not like to play whilst in a relationship. Can you think of any others?
I would hate to be any of those but i think its what you allow in your relationship if from the start you are the picker up and don't set certain boundaries and stick to them then either one of you will get used to and expect it without realising that it may peeve your partner,bf,wife or husband off. There is no excuse it is what you make it, and if you know that this person is like that its up to you to communicate and come up with a compromise, it is however easier said than done but you have to try before you say its hard. Also i think the key to all this is prayer... nothing beats prayer
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ReplyDeleteHey girl this post made me chuckle, because unfortunately I have found myself in more than 1 of these scenarios! You have pretty much covered all the worse situations that I can imagine. To be honest there is nothing more unattractive than a man that cannot take care of s*it, albeit domestic, finances, or emotions. I once met a man who couldn’t even wipe his own ass properly, proper mothers boy, it was just ridiculous. Needless to say I didn’t hang around!
ReplyDeleteLike me, some women may ignore it initially but eventually it becomes grating. Who really wants to be a mans mother? In fact I have three sons and can state when they are grown I will not be doing their chores, or expect to be their bank unless it's serious, or emotional punch bag. Therefore I can only say that it turns into a doormat situation, where a man is blatantly taking the pi**, you are left feeling drained and tense, then the relationship is just rubbish because you feel and are being treated like rubbish. That's how I was starting to feel, and it isn't nice. But I do agree with madeformakeup, it's important to lay down the law from the start. Men and women need to really think before they enter a relationship about what they really want, and stick to it. You will see in my next post what may happen when you don't.
Oh my goodness Bi, a grown up with ass wiping issues -hahaha!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you and madeformakeup got to discuss these things from the off set. It should be part of the inital relationship questions such as are you single? your last health test was? 2Pac or Biggie? and do you cook, clean and iron?
LOL - great post Si. No one in their right mind would choose to be subjected to some things but then it begs the question, why when we find ourselves in such situations, do we allow it to continue. Like Bi, it carries a lot of weight with certain situations I've found myself in, all because certain preferences and limitations where not defined from the beginning.
ReplyDeleteMadeformakeup is completely right; it is all about prayer and something I tend to forget on a frequent basis. In truth, we decide what's right for us based premature judgement or minimal self restraint, thus at times ending up in situations we're surprised to be in.
But, that's no excuse for men not stepping it up a notch and taking care of certain things themselves! Things may move fast or unconventionally but they will only pay off when a reciprocal effort is put in. I mean, how the hell can I be 'money hungry' if I'm only after what's OWED and still OWING to me???
Likewise, there is no excuse for physical, emotional or mental abuse. Yes; you may not be dealing with your own issues or difficulties - but that's not my fault!! It's unfortunate that until such things are addressed, the relationship (or even you as individuals) cannot progress and will only deteriorate.
The best thing I can do for myself is work on my own discrepancies and continue to reminder myself of my morals and limitations, which should enable me to stay true to them with future endeavors lol