I tried, he may have tried too in his own way, but we are just not on the same page.
Sure I can rant on today about why it came to this, the pressures that were against us, but sometimes you just have to exhale, let that go, and accept that we just were not compatible for numerous reasons.
One of the main issues that we had was the fact that he felt it was my role to be the main person to take responsibility for the home, and children, whilst he goes out to work, comes home and does (in a nutshell) nowhere near as much as me - the hunter gatherer complex. I have always worked, I'm currently on maternity leave, but I have always felt the need to contribute to the household income, or when I was single financially provide for me and my son. But still when I was working, I still felt like a slave to the home. Every time I said something I was nagging, and was confronted by what I will say was a chauvinistic attitude. If I wanted to go out after work, I would have to book him way in advance, yet it was nothing for me to receive a call last minute stating that he would be home late due to going out with his boss, a call that I actually received the night before I gave birth to our youngest child. Fortunately after a heated discussion he came home without a hangover, and without having to be confronted by my mother who would have let all hell break loose if he had had a hangover the morning I went into labour.
Anyway there I was feeling unsupported, having to do the chores for 3 children full-time and 1 part-time, whilst having what I call the minimal contribution from him at home, and also feeling that my own self was being pushed further and further way until I couldn't breathe. What happened to the woman that wanted to lecture and got into SOAS? What happened to the Publishing Manager? The Poet? The Creative Writer? Indeed these capabilities were still within, but because I was not getting the support I felt I needed at home, I felt 'I' was fading away fast.
Of course there is his side, he worked hard, and had stresses that I perhaps don't understand, but it seems it was my life that was changing fast, yet the acknowledgement that both our lives should be adapting to having three additional children in as many years (1 step-child each) should go both ways. I knew I would never be happy not sharing certain responsibilities such as cooking and cleaning, baring in mine there were 4 children to think about, and to me his way of thinking was old skool to the max. Yes I accept I am a woman and will probably take on more than any man, but at the same time I just cannot understand the logic of thinking that because you are the man in the relationship, certain things are beyond you.
Now we are apart it's hard, I'm not going to lie, but we were making each other miserable. We accept that I need someone who's hands on with everything, and he needs someone who understand that he's hands off!
So BDSS ladies, do you think it's right that gender roles are clearly defined like back in da day? Or do you think that we should chip in no matter what gender we are? Thoughts please!
Any successful relationship is always give and take.
ReplyDeleteVery true Anon! Even in ways that you don't like, or necessarily want to do.
ReplyDelete@anonymous, I agree a bit of give and take will go a long way towards a sucessful relationship.
ReplyDeleteI think the roles really depend on the two individuals in a relationship.
I mean there are women out there who like the stay at home role and other women who don't; and vice verser for men with the rise of stay at home fathers it's not set in concrete at least not these days.
I think if you really want a relationship to work you would be willing to compromise a little to accomodate each other needs.
It's definitely hard to let go of a relationship especially when there are children involved but as you said if you felt you were making each other miserable because of not being on the same page, and possible neither one being willing to compromise themselves to be on the same page, then what else can you do, but call it quits.
It is a shame though unless of course the demands (compromises) were outlandish!
for me personally these roles are not just created in your relationship some you come already knowing, so its important to talk about these things before we say move in or get married, its important to know what kind of person you are getting. Its sad to have to think that you tried and there is no middle ground, to this i can only say pray about it, no matter what i can say only God can truly fix a mind set that does not want to embrace change for the better of the family. Best of Luck
ReplyDelete"So here I am, finally ready to admit defeat" Means you havent quite given up which is a positive.
ReplyDeleteYou both should of thought about your compatability issues before having kids together, as ultimately you both can move on and find new partners and be happy, but your children will never get to have mummy and daddy together again......surely from that point of view it isnt to late to comprimise........surely its not to late just to have a simple rota that you both can agree on.......if you both want to be together then a little sacrifice and comprimise isnt going to hurt.....Best of luck
An inspired post lady about town; it can't have been easy to face and share certain issues.
ReplyDeleteAs Si said, I also think the roles depend on the individuals as granted, one person may be better at certain duties than the significant other. So, you may get a woman who sucks at driving and a man who doesn't know how to cook a salad but likewise, you may get a man who is more efficient at meal/bath/bedtimes and a woman who's a dab hand at the DIY stuff. Either way, it doesn't mean that an effort won't go a miss; it's what counts the most as it shows a zeal to work and build as a team which will in turn help to alleviate most pressures before they form and affect the family unit as a whole.
Likewise, it's important for both parts to maintain their individuality whilst also encouraging the other to do the same. That way, both sides can be confident that when the going gets tough for either, both will do what ever it takes to get everyone (and not just themselves) through unscathed.
Thank you Anon number 2! I guess it's more than just the gender role issue although this was a major part of it. You and Madeformakeup are definitely right, we should have thought about our compatibility before settling down together as issues like this could have been discussed and I may have thought eeeeekkkk I need to get out of this, or we could have compromised. But life is never that simple, when emotions and stuff get thrown in the mix. Looking back I would advise people getting into a new relationship to have an honest and open discussion about major issues, although it may be awkward, to avoid big boo boos in the future.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I don't want to give the impression that it was all him concerning this because obviously I am a grown woman. Looking back I think I was so use to being independent that I took on lots of responsibilities and actually spoilt him, as silly as it may sound. What I failed to realise was the importance of starting as you mean to go on. Eventually it dawned on me that I was not just looking out for myself and my eldest son, I now had a family, and keeping up with daily chores, the kids, work, a relationship, and myself needed team work in every aspect. When I did realise the importance of this, I was dealing with a man who probably thought I had lost my mind as I had never mentioned this before, and who therefore thought I was turning into a nag, perhaps because I didn't put my foot down initially. At the same time I eventually did say hands up this is too much for one person when there are two of us, but got the chauvinistic responses.
When there are children involved, you are totally correct in saying there is a major importance in persevering for there sakes. Unfortunately for us there are other issues in the mix, we are a blended family, have had different upbringings etc etc, all that contribute to us being in this situation. If it was just down to this, and other major areas were fine then yes it wouldn't be an issue. But when there are issues coming left, right and centre, I think that's a whole different ball game.
I read an article today which is apt for the subject! http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1374230/Think-man-doesnt-pull-weight-home-Maybe-YOUR-fault.html I do identify with some, not all points!
Hey lady about town, I don't think that gender roles are as clearly defined as they were back in the day.
ReplyDeleteYes you may be born female but that does not automatically make you nurturing and domesticated. And the same is true for men, not all are providers.
I think a relationship and the roles within have to be decided by the individuals involved. There are many couples who do not fall into the classic gender roles and why should they, if it doesn't work for your particular circumstances why try and force it. Men and women have got to be adaptable to the circumstances of today. Which will no doubt have an impact on how people react in relationships.