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Sunday, 7 November 2010

Gangster Loving!

Hey ladies and gentlemen!

Sorry for my extra long absence I have had a lot on!

I gave birth to my beautiful son on the 1st of October, he's doing very well and his brothers are very happy with the new arrival. I've also had absolutely no Internet for 3 weeks which has driven me mad, but hey I'm back online now and ready to get typing before the baby wakes!

Now I'm going back to a recent post created by Si called Songs That Take You To A Dark Place well I was reflecting on this post and reflecting on my past. Back in the day I loved Hip-Hop, not just any Hip-Hop though, I enjoyed the proper gangster stuff (and still do) although I mainly listen to my Old Skool jams.

I think it all started when my mum agreed to get cable television, which was a big thing back then.These music videos entered me into a new realm. I remember watching the MTV Amour and Yo shows and not only falling for the hard exterior of rappers like Tupac, Lost Boyz, Wu - Tang, Mobb Depp, not forgetting Bone Thugs N Harmony, but also being enthralled by the glamorous and sexy women they had on their arm. My enjoyment wasn't just found through television, I use to buy the now defunct Source magazine for my monthly fix of latest Hip-Hop news, as well as saving my pocket money to buy the single to the latest tunes. CD's weren't cheap back then and I remember paying £10.00 for Aaliyah's single 'Age Ain't Nothing But A Number' and this was the case with many of the albums I liked because most of them were on import. I would also stay up late recording on cassette the Tim Westwood radio 1 rap show so I could listen to tracks over and over again (forwarding that annoying mans voice of course). I recall my delight at hearing the relatively unknown rapper Eminem's single "97' Bonnie & Clyde"and thinking this man is good but CRAZY!

The Wu -Tang Clan were another group I was into, there was one particular tune( Dog Shit) that I knew the lyrics to off by heart, and I remember one of my closest friends writing down the lyrics to it, so that we could catch jokes when reciting it at school. I got a chance to meet the Wu a few years back but I will give you the jokes in another post. It will include a Philly blunt,  a flasher and the Chicken Pox - yep you read correctly.

Whilst my friends were into 3T, and falling asleep to the soothing voice of Tevin Campbell, I would watch my Hip-Hop music video recordings, and put posters of rap artists on my wall. One of my favourite videos was the Lost Boyz Renee. I refer to Si's post because I think subconsciously my love of Hip-Hop, combined with my young mind, made me aspire to things I wouldn't ordinarily have entertained if I had not listened to it. I'm not saying all the music was negative, but on a whole I remember being young and thinking I actually wanted a gangster boyfriend to look after me and shower me in bling! I actually thought this lifestyle was fun, glamorous, and men talking about guns and gangs - exciting!

Well my journey continued, things changed and I grew, but I think the gangster thing of old stayed with me. It was almost as though that 'dark music' was intertwined in my actual life and mental psych, even now when I bang out Nas, Biggie etc, I'm able to get an adrenalin rush leaving me able to clean the house at top speed! Anyway, I met men as we do, some good and some, well, not so good. But the time came when I met a certified 'Ganster'.

I look back at this time in my life and know three things, I was Young + Naive + Dam Crazy!
What was it about this guy that was intriguing?  He wasn't, tall, dark, and particularly handsome, but he had money, charm, a massive ego, talked some shit that I ain't heard before, showed me things that I ain't seen before, took risks, was dangerous and was equally as crazy as me for dating him.

At first he started out really sweet (as crazy men tend to), but after a dates there were a few statements that he made that should have been massive big RED alerts, but I decided to ignore them. When he went through my phone and deleted every single male contact (except my dad) I should have listened to the RED alerts, but again I ignored it. The dates were sweet, the clothes even better, but little by little the sweet gangster, like the ones that they showed in the music videos, I thought I had met, started getting gangster on ME! He wasn't so sweet anymore in fact he was becoming an increasing nightmare, turning up unexpectedly, being controlling, and very demanding. He was also very dodgy about his  own life, but thought he owned the rights to mine. Anyway one day he told me he had took part in a documentary, I thought it sounded interesting. But this was no ordinary documentary I might add, this was very much a gangster documentary and it is after seeing this documentary that I decided to make running pace steps to leave, and not jog. He would happily go to church every Sunday repenting on the sins he's committed on Monday, Tuesday,Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, I realised that the man was crazier than I thought. Especially when he goes and testifies in front of the congregation with the same bravado that he boasts his sins to his friends.

So there you have it, dark music leads to dark thoughts and possibly even not so good people. With this generation of children living in the multi-media age I think it's important that parents monitor what children listen to. Had I been a man perhaps I would have gotten into something much more serious than a bad experience with a 'Gangster' or alternatively the whole episode could have gotten way out of hand for me to deal with alone. Although I believe that 'Gangster's na fi talk' in other words if you're a true G you don't claim to be!

Years went by, and I saw one of his friends at a bar in Streatham, he informed me that the 'G' had been put away for a very long time, and even asked if he could have my number to give him, I just laughed with relief and politely said 'no' and walked quickly away. Men may think us ladies like bad men, but if a woman is wise she will want a real man and a bad man just ain't it.

So fellow BDSS's and readers, have you had any experience's with so called bad men? Or are you wise and just deal with gentlemen?

I will end this post with a more conscious  Hip-Hip tune by Dead Prez 'We need a Revolution'



  1. Bi, gangster loving sounds scary to me! lol

  2. I can understand being attracted to someone who's a bit of a rebel, but not someone destined to end up inside for whatever reason- I do tend to draw the line at.

    I'm not immune to the idea of gangsters being attractive, I still think that tupac is fine and denzel washington playing frank Lucus in american gangster, I loved him until he got caught and all his family went to jail with him...that's when I had to stop and question how cool is this portrayal really?

    I think there are a few things in childhood fantasy that in reality are intolerable. Some big time gangster who ends up inside or worse is one of them!

    I briefly dated someone who had clearly done some messed up things prior to me meeting them and quite frankly there always seemed to be this lingering black cloud with this person having to look over their shoulder all the time. which although that lifestyle was behind them I found it to be a negative weigh, most unappealing and down right scary! I'm from hackney but I was never a road gal lol!

    The reality can be messed up- life is not like in the music video's or films.

  3. Yep true ladies it was a scary experience, one that I will never want to venture into again! At the end of the day music videos and songs aren't real life, and men like that have issues that are too numerous to go into. He had a small piece and I'm sure he subsconciously he wanted to make up for it by portraying himself as gangster. He had the Napolean complex LOL