Is This Why We Women Don't Take No Sh*t?

The other day I was listening to Erykah Badu’s Call Tyrone (see above) oh how I lovvee that song! <3

with lyrics such as "I get tried of your shit, you don’t ever buy me nothing" and my favourite "now every time I ask you for a little cash, you say nah but turn right around and ask me for some ass" (I’m not sure why but that line is pure comedy to me!). It got me thinking is it because of songs like these we women don’t take no sh*t? lol

Hear me out …you see when it comes to women around my age I think we have been brought up on a healthy dose of girl power music not to mention books and films. From the Spice Girls "I tell ya what I want, what I really really want" (zigazig ah?) to Destiny’s Child "Can you pay my bills, can you pay my automo-bills" and least we forget TLC’s classic "I don’t want no scrub, a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me!"

Those songs are like what spinach is to Popeye or avocado is to the Avacado Baby, they give us women strength when we need it! A little off course but I will be the first to admit when I was going through a particularly hard break up I had a cassette tape (yes I said cassette tape! haha) full of heartbreak anthems; Whitney’s heartbreak hotel, Changing Face’s ‘Get O.U.T' and the rest.

Anyway back to the point of my post listening to Erykah Badu just got me thinking is this why we women don’t take no sh*t? I mean we Run The World, right.

As well as listening to Spice Girls and Destiny's Child my love experiences were formed with a back drop of such great books (turned movies): Alice Walkers The Colour Purple and Terry MacMillian's Waiting to Exhale. In these books/films, the women are depicted as not only taking no sh*t, but overcoming the ish and then moving on stronger and doing ‘it’ for ourselves and men if needs be!

That coupled with other great books such as lyanla Vanzant’s In the Meantime quote:

"Love is the only thing we need, love is our joy, health and wealth. Love is our identity. We go into a relationship looking for love, not realising we must bring love with us. We must bring a strong sense of self and purpose into a relationship. We must bring a sense of value of who we are..."

... and Grace Cornish's  You Deserve Healthy Love Sis quote:

"Sis just for a brief second, take a deep breath, close you eyes, clear your mind, and answer this question: What would it feel like to have someone love you just for being who you are, someone to love you in a way you never thought possible-a kind, generous, comfortable, yet exciting love. A love in which there are no cheating, no lies, no confusion and no disrespect..."  

Is this the reason why we don’t take no sh*t? Maybe it’s because of Maya Angelou’s famous poem…

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size
But when I start to tell them,
They think I'm telling lies.
I say,
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips,
The stride of my step,
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me... (click here to continue to read)

Okay.. okay! Maybe it's not that we don’t take no sh*t but rather that we aspire to a higher vision of ourselves in terms of our lives, our love, our kids, our image and all the above-mentioned contributions to this way of thinking.

The other day I read a thought provoking piece by a fellow blogger Why Black Female Deservitude Must Stop.

A deservitude you say?

"Deservitude is a phrase [they] coined to describe the “I deserve” attitude [they're] seeing on increasing levels in many women today. It’s mostly prevalent amongst some delusional single women who seem to think that somehow they deserve to find a great man for no apparent reason other than that they just do. Nevermind that she might be a selfish, totally narcissistic bitch, of course she deserves it. Because she’s worth it."

"And deservitude can be observed when some black women believe they are being outshone by women of all other races because they’re not used in television and magazine ads. Or because somebody somewhere with some degree of authority may have said something to that effect, or not. Not all black women feel this way and I don’t want it to come across as though I mean it is de rigueur."

I think the above authors post was in response to a lot of things particularly the whole fuss around the black women are ugly study. Which by the way PsychToday issued an apology yesterday so it seems a collective deservitude produces small victories.

So anyways BDSS'ers I wrote all of the above to ask do we really not take any sh*t or are we just aspiring to a higher vision of ourselves? Or do we really just have a deservitude?!

NB: I ask this question because the other day me and my other half were bickering about me bringing him his meal, and he said something along the lines of "see, you been watching to many of them of them videoes!" (I think I was watching Beyonce) haha.

Homosexuality in the Black Family

Will they still want to know me?

Black and homosexual; here lay two identities that are often difficult enough to wear separately, let alone when combined together.

A conversation with a friend the other day got me thinking what it would be like if I had to tell my family and friends that I was gay. How do you begin to explain, where do you tell them, who do you tell first? Will they accept that you are still the same person you were before, even if they do not necessarily 'understand' what you're sharing with them. Only, the scenario seems to distort and deepen even further when I think about having to tell my black family and friends - why is that?

Families of African-Caribbean heritage tend to be familiarised with the church, cultural and family traditions, expectations of your elders etc, which can at times come with extremely judgemental views of right and wrongs, or acts that are 'sinful' and 'evil'. This must put many people who are considering sharing their secret in a position of added difficulty. 

So why is it that in terms of women leaving the home and taking up prominent positions, Irish and Blacks drinking without restrictions in an English pub and divorces left, right and centre are all now an acceptable part of modern Society but some African Caribbean families still refuse to encourage its members that they are accepted and loved for who they are and despite 'what' they are? Hailing from the African side, it still astonishes me how easy it is for someone to use the Bible in a context that they happen to be preaching against; "he who is without sin cast the first stone" (please imagine that in an African voice lol!) - so who in this world has the right to judge any other person's will or actions? I know that the Bible I read explains no one sin is greater than another so who's to say you're not topping the leader-board yourself?? It’s the same with having a child below a certain age or out of wedlock, or even having a termination; there was a time where these things were considered unacceptable or carried out in secret but it seems as though this mentality of acceptance in black families doesn't really extend to homosexuality.

Over the last century or so, homosexuality has gradually emerged out of hiding and integrated itself into society. Many argue that they did not 'choose' to be this way and that if they did have a choice, why on earth would they decide to be anything other than 'normal'. Admittedly, this is a compelling argument.

I am straight so I can't pretend I understand what being gay is like but despite my own beliefs, I can imagine just how lonely someone may feel at that point of having to disclose such information to loved ones with such deep-rooted beliefs. To know that after this moment, you may not have a family to turn to as you did before or in extreme circumstances, you may face being run out of town with threats of violence and in some cases death. 

There is also a interesting difference between men and women when discussing this subject. Maybe 95% of men I have spoken with would have a whole heap of ignorant and derogatory things to say about gay men, but ABSOLUTELY entertain the idea of lesbians, from they are involved! The women I have spoken with tend to take more of an empathetic approach and a view about one tends to be the same for the alternative.

I have known some families to go on stink just because someone has brought home a partner from the wrong tribe/ethnic group/borough/class/status - my mere existence has been frowned upon by some African family elders who weren't exactly pleased at my mother's choice of a Caribbean man! So imagine having to share something so big with your family that you may face never being acknowledged by them again - how do you start such a conversation?

As much as I would have my own preferences for my children, I would like to think that to stay true to them as their mother, I would rear and guide them the best I can, then acknowledge and support all of their decisions in life - whether it's to my agreement/understanding or not (and from they're not running around killing people, obviously!).

I mean no offence to anyone reading this post (gay or straight) but thought it would be interesting to explore what makes black people so rigid in moving forward and accepting the things our loved ones share with us. What do you think BDSSers? Is it not admirable for someone to potentially risk everything and everyone they ever knew for a secret that has most probably been tearing them up inside? Maybe you are gay and are yet to tell your family and have no idea of how to approach the topic? Or maybe you've wondered why it took you so long to tell your loved ones since they were a lot more supportive than you ever imagined? Either way, it would be really good to hear these perspectives and tips for those in turmoil.

BDSS does not discriminate (unless we’re in a heated debated about the differences between men and women :D) and we try to remain open minded about things we do not necessarily understand. Africans & Caribbeans; surely it’s possible to agree to disagree and continue on in mutual harmony - or should I pinch myself and wake up?!

How to Avoid The Friend Zone

Now following on from Si's post regarding the friend zone! I thought I'd give some tips on avoiding the friend zone completely, as instead of working backwards trying to peddle your way back out of a friend zone situation you do not want to be in, its better to not get stuck there in the first place.

Now we have to start at the very, very beginning of the process!

So lets say that your in a club/supermarket/park (basically wherever it is you go to pick up potential mates), and you've spotted some hot chick/guy and your wanting to go in to get the number or email, bb pin or whatever lol! Please just take a second to assess whether the person is the right person to approach; whether the person is likely to give you the time of day.

Secondly, when you go in to make that initial contact, please learn how to read the body language and the cues. If the person looks horrified to see you when you initially approach/ask for the number etc, then accept that they were not feeling you and be prepared to leave things there. Equally if you are in a club and you finally pluck up the courage to make conversation with someone hasn't noticed you all night, you ask for a number and you happily get it - don't get excited, as these days for a lot of people it's just networking, or sometimes the person's on a bit of a high and in the heat of a drunken moment so they couldn't think of a good enough reason not to give you some contact information.

Thirdly, when you make the initial contact does this person seem happy to hear from you? If someone is happy to hear from you they will let you know, conversation will be positive and pleasant, you'll find yourselves arranging to meet up again fairly quickly (although I accept that there may be times when meeting up straight away is not possible) but the conversation about it will be there.

Again (and this is very important) read the cues and listen to what is being said. If you are the person making all the effort to call, text and communicate, and also if you are the one always giving compliments and not getting anything back in response then accept that if you continue to pursue this person you may be destined for the friend zone, because the truth of the matter is that this person is likely to have already made up their mind that they are not feeling you that much.

If you have to beg someone to go on a first date with you (and by beg I mean if you have to ask and enquire about it more than 2 times) without getting an affirmative response or if they keep cancelling on you, if the person suddenly relents and agrees to go on a date with you - don't get excited as it may be a sympathy date! "I haven't got anything or anyone else on, so I might as well date"; again, think friend zone.

All I'm saying is that if in the initial stages of getting to know someone and getting to the first date, if it doesn't flow nicely and smoothly, if the vibes are in anyway negative just be prepared for the friend zone if you pursue.

If the above scenario doesn't apply and you actually get to the first date without any hiccups or longness, this is a great start!

However to avoid the friend zone going forward, you have got to get the balance right, between showing a woman that you are caring and have a heart, and you are a great listener etc (just basically all the sensitive type stuff) and showing her that you are actually on it, on it (interested in being more than friends)!

Some people make the mistake when meeting a potential partner of playing it too sweet and nice. I have a friend who within a few weeks of meeting new females ends up being a confidant, listening to them drone on about past relationships and ex partners. Now, if he just analyses the situation to begin with, when first meeting someone lets say in the first few weeks, you're not obliged to even like this person let alone be an ear for them to share all their issues. Be a bit tough and if a man or a woman seems to be droning on about an ex (or issues), then don't pursue that as its quite possible that they end up getting back with the ex whilst you're stuck in the friend zone (and also with issues, the issues will become a reason why they can't get with you). You're not there to be a confidant/shoulder to cry on in the first week!

Be witty, but don't be a clown or a joker to the point where all your conversations are jokes, I say this for two reasons:

No. 1: the person will be left thinking "he/she is very funny, but there wasn't that spark there, he/she reminds me of my hilarious uncle, cousin, brother or bredrin". . . and

No.2: if you do ever bring up the topic of getting a bit closer to the person, they probably won't take you seriously. You're not there to be free entertainment!

Show a normal level of interest (to someone you barely know), don't act infactuated after two days, it's off putting and is a bit needy. Play it a little bit cool. You're there to find out about them, not to love them and put them on a pedestal, eager beavers get into the friend zone very quickly.

When on a first date or even in those early conversations, make it clear that you're physically attracted to the person. Flirt and have a little bit of sexual banter, doing all of the above 3 things, acting as a confidant, a clown or infatuated distracts and takes away from the message that you're trying to get across to this person, which is that you approached them because you found them physically attractive, so you could get to know them and if you still like them after that, you would like to take things further.

Don't waste your time faffing about trying to be overly likeable, and sweet!

The most common comments I hear from my female friends regarding men, who they date, and who quickly get placed in the friend zone are:

1) "He is nice, really sweet but a bit too keen its only been a week and he is talking about introducing me to his family"

or

2) "We have banter, we have such a laugh, he reminds me of my best friend Doug" (who is probably a previous date who ended up in the friend zone)

and finally. . .

3) "I find it really easy to talk to him but there is no spark"

In those first crucial weeks you've got to create a spark, make the person aware of how you feel and go for it! I think us women expect to be flirted with and come on to slightly, if you've asked for our number, spoken to us and want to go for a date.

Plus, remember within the first few weeks of meeting anyone, the only obligation you have towards them is being courteous and normal. If you ask for what you want and you get turned down, then at least you can make a graceful exit, without having spent weeks and months in the friend zone.

Also (and I can't stress how important this is), look out for the clues to how someone feels about you. Check the body language and unspoken cues.

So BDSS'ers what other tips can you give to avoid the friend zone? If you have a 100% hit rate with the opposite sex, what is it that you do?

When it's out it's OUT! Super-injunction Madness

(Written before RG was 'named'- but still relevant)

I think I have a new found respect for Arnold Schwarzenegger despite not being to keen on his actions regarding his affair(s), love child(ren) and subsequently not telling his wife; at least now it’s ‘out’ in the open (not sure if its all out) he is not hiding behind a super injunction like the latest celebrity to be caught out for foul play.

I mean at what point do you just hold your hands up and say ok it’s me, your right I cheated with such and such and then actually start to deal with the consequences both publicly (as you are in the public eye) and also privately.

Is it at the point were your named by a top TV presenter? At the point were your name is trending on twitter? At the point were your Wikipedia has been updated to state you are suing twitter? the point when your face has been plastered on a national newspaper with the word censored across your eyes? Or when the PM says I know who it is or when MP John Hemming names you in the commons?

…Somebody say when!

By trying to get the courts to enforce the super injunction he has actually made the situation a lot worse and opening himself up to some serious questions regarding his character, not based on the fact that he cheated but on how he has dealt with it in the aftermath.

On twitter he has been called some choice names with some people goading him to sue them and also in speaking in my own circle the terms arrogant, conceited and egotistical have been banded around…after all it takes a real a**-hole to try and sue the people who put you on your pedestal in the first place.

Let’s cast our mind back to a few months ago when Selina so eloquently discussed Wayne Rooney and his run in with the press over his cheating with prossies: The BDSS: Men, women and prostitutes. Fast forward a few months he and Coleen are still together. He rid the media derision and now he is back where he belongs playing football and moving forward.

In contrast Mr foul play with his super injunction looks like it will go on forever and what probably would have been fodder for the papers for one week has turned into something else the battle between freedom of speech (for twitter users) freedom of press (for the media) and freedom of privacy (for cheating celebrities).

Now in all honesty before this whole thing on twitter not only did I not check for this person (as I’m not into football) but I also had no idea who Imogen Thomas even was and pretty much thanks to this person’s actions (and Imogen’s rounds on Morning TV sofa’s) I'm now enlightened.

I must admit whilst watching the Andrew Marr show on Sunday when one of the panellists said these super injunctions are put in place often times to protect the children,  for a moment I thought ok fair enough… but then again the secret is OUT! Imogen is getting more shine and his name and reputation are being tarnished with everyday he instructs his lawyers to uphold this super injunction and sue everybody, I'm sure he's not really an a**-hole.

As I said earlier I have a new found respect for Arnold Schwarzenegger at least he is out in public and getting on with his life. This is despite not having a pre-nup and his wife reportedly hiring a top divorce lawyer which basically means…HALF! *Eddie Murphy*

By all means whilst I definitely don’t have a right, or even care that much about what goes on in the private lives of celebrities (I have my own house to deal with!) but when it’s out its OUT (Whether I believe it or not  that is another story).

So BDSS’ers what do you make of the whole saga? Does he have a right to privacy? When does that right end?

Is It Possible to Move from 'Just Friends Zone' to Love Zone?

Friend Zone

Following some banter on twitter the other day I've decided to tackle the burning issue of ... Is it possible to bounce back from being stuck in the 'Just friends' zone?

(Trust me it's a burning issue,  how else can you explain this: Very Smart Brothas: How to get out and stay out of the friends zone  and this  Out Post Nine: Friend Zone Test it's a place no one wants to be!)

I mean they say the best relationships are formed from friendships and a lot of people refer to their partner's as their 'best friend' therefore it stands to reason a relationship is a natural progression from a friendship...right? wrong

Now we all know the friend zone scenario:

Mike meets Beth.

Mike pursues Beth with romantic intentions.

Mike thinks Beth is just the bee's n ee's

Beth thinks Mike is 'sweet',  'funny',  'nice',  a 'joker',  a 'laugh',  a 'great dancer' but definitely NOT a lover!

Maybe you have been there or are currently in the above scenario BDSS'ers? where for the life of you, you can't understand why your hearts desire does not see you for who you really are… excellent boyfriend or girlfriend material and not only that; but why they shoot the idea down with your every unrequited advance :-(

I'm just going to come right out and say it...

I've personally never gone out with someone who I initally viewed as 'just a friend' and just thinking about how romantic relationships are formed - initial attraction or spark is quite important (be it physically or mentally).

Now I don't know about anyone else but pretty much all of my relationships started off with some sort of physical or visual attraction (call me shallow). Take my partner for instance I thought he was da bomb from the moment I spotted him -like BAM an instant non friend zone reaction!

Now obviously that initial reaction lead me to want to know him,  which lead me to talk to him, which lead me to ask probing questions and so on and so forth!

… so the bottom line is attraction counts a lot!

It's either I'm attracted or I'm not and once I'm not...again I'm not!

So you see I believe if in the first instances there is no attraction, no visual stimulation no hmm factor that makes you want to get to know that person further… then there is little to know chance of persuasion after that fact.

Also from viewing the people around me I'm inclined to think that most relationships that start off as 'just friends' even though you may get a sympathy bring in (i.e., a little kiss here, a little bump and grind there -when your 'friend' is lonely) its still likely when someone else sparks an instant non friend zone reaction your 'friend' will drop you like some hot coals! 

I think the key is not to get in the 'friend zone' to begin with and if you find yourself slipping GET OUT before it's to late because unrequited love just seems long for all parties concerned.

But if you must try heres some food for thought:

Chris Rock speaks the truth!

Ok ok, maybe I'm being  a bit harsh but what do you think BDSS'ers is it possible?  or maybe you have gone from friend zone to love zone, how did you manage that? what was the outcome? did they drop you for some next person?

Groupie Love

You may have read in one of previous posts that back in the day I was a hard-core Hip-Hop Head. 3-T, Tevin Campbell, Jodeci, Blackstreet were fine but didn't do it for me in the way Bone Thugs-N- Harmony, Wu-Tang Clan, Biggie, Tupac and Lost Boyz did. In Nottingham there use to be a small sweet shop in the city centre that specialised in global Newspapers and Magazines. Without fail I would be there with my pocket money every month to buy Right On! Magazine and The Source. My mum on the other hand was not keen on my Gangster loving, and often threatened to cut off the Diamond Cable (now Virgin). We all know that adolescence is a difficult period, and I just felt so connected to the music I listened to back then. Now, Hip-Hop is actually Hip-Pop, back then it was real. I remember once even attending school with washing line pegs in my hair! I was paying respect to Da Brat of course, not to mention the purple lippy – those crazy days!

Now fast fast forward to the time around my 21st Birthday, I was very depressed having caught chicken pox from my young son. I looked awful and felt like a leper, especially because very few people actually wanted to be around me. To make matters worse I had tickets booked to see one of favourite old skool bands from my childhood! I was vex, there was absolutely nothing that was going to get in my way of seeing them, chicken pox or not. So undeterred I caked myself in make-up and went to the concert with my friends. Bearing in mind this is more of a hardcore hip-hop group I was fortunate that because I was a female I was able to get to the front of the crowd, which was going CRAZY. This was my first concert and arms were flaying, and I was being pushed back and forth and had totally lost my friends. I really didn't give it much thought though, all of my childhood themes were there, songs that me and my friend D would write word for word and sing in the back of our English class, much to the annoyance of our teacher.

Now as luck would have it, one of the band said “Yo, do any girls want to come on stage?”
Like a cheetah I was on that stage, this was my dream! To be on stage with some of my childhood heroes! My chicken pox had just about gone (in my mind) and I really didn't care I was just dancing lost in the rhythm. Soon my time on stage was over, but I got invited back stage by the groups manager and duly obliged. There I saw them close up, I was in awe but managed to sneak in my friends. Whilst we were there I also noticed a few other girls that I hadn't seen at the front. Girls from all sorts of areas of the world, Swedish, African, British, and Jamaican. After having conversations with some of these girls I soon realised that they weren't there to enjoy the music, nope, these girls were there for groupie love!

Now I had my own ideas of groupies, and the main point was they were loose, and hunted down celebrities to get the kudos or material possessions. Now that of course wasn't me! Me and my girls were just happy to be there, it was soon getting late and we were invited back to the bands hotel. This was turning into a very exciting birthday, so we agreed to chill with the band for a while in their rooms. It was surreal, there they were smoking their Phily Blunts, chatting like regular people. Soon it became clear that one particular member of the band in his mind had filled in the groupie slot with moi! Now two things were running in my head, should I stay or should I go? My friends were chung, and were telling me to stay, “How often do you meet celebrities, stay!” in my head I knew that all sorts could go down and furthermore I wasn't ready to start my Karrine Steffans list any time soon, plus I had chicken pox scars all over my body!

By now Mr _ was getting increasingly lecherous, and then came my cue to leave, when the words “I'll pay you” left his lips. This woke up my common sense, and I left that room as quickly as I had jumped on stage. I had heard their song lyrics, and laughed as they cussed off women, and there was absolutely no way I was being a lyric on their next hit. So I left with Mr _ getting is ting out in the hotel corridor and chasing me! Good lawdy, that was one crazy night! Needless to say my childhood heroes do not conjure up the same images now I'm grown! So ladies if you were hit on by your childhood hero or a hot celebrity, would you put them in your history books, or walk away? I really don't need to ask you men now do I?

P.S Sorry about the video overload, I was getting carried away with the nostalgia!

Stirring up negative feelings - Arnold Schwarzenegger, Kenneth Clarke, Satoshi Kanazawa

Where to begin, there are days when loads of topic's and stories catch a bloggers attention however what with other life going on around the blog you can not often write about everything, it would take me too much time lol but over the past few days some things have really stirred up my feminist and womanist and black conscious feelings.

Firstly:

Honestly some times I hear these politicians coming out with things that completely Irritate me. These are the people who we select and put in positions of power and it does sadden me to realise that they can be just as ignorant and just as brain dead, misogynistic, racist, sexist, and as stupid as it is possible to be.

The most appalling I think is Kenneth Clarke and his different levels of seriousness of rape comment made yesterday.

In interviews this morning the Justice Secretary implied that there was distinction between 'serious, proper rapes' and others as he defended controversial proposals to halve some rapists' sentences if they made early guilty pleas.

Read more: Ken Clarke forced to apologise for date rape comment

If the Justice secretary of all people, is unable to articulate himself correctly enough to send the clear message out to society that all rapes under all circumstances are serious, criminal, punishable, and that perpetrators of such crimes will be dealt with swiftly and severly, then I am failing to see how we can improve the appallingly low rate of rape convictions here in the UK,and to educate people in order to stop the incidences of this crime from happening SMH (Shake my head) - I'm appalled!

Secondly:

This psychologist Satoshi Kanazawa a lecturer at the London school of economics, doing "scientific" research trying to establish the following:

Here gives a good breakdown of the research and the furore caused:

Honestly this man gives psychologists a bad name, you can get away with publishing all sorts of drivel under the guise of scientific research. I don't understand why people love to pick on black women though, again its infuriating, not because I take on board or internalise what being said (anyone with half a brain cell can see how the research is flawed and that the testosterone conclusion is a hazarded guess based on nothing), but its infuriating because institutions such as London School of Economics and the editors of the website where the article appeared, the journal of psychology today, employ this man and give him free reign to sprout all this crap in the first place. I am sure that there is a British psychological society ethical code lurking about somewhere, I think that maybe they should take a good look at it.

And finally......no on second thought's don't even get me started on Terminator, keeping your love child a secret for over 10 years of marriage is something else!

So BDSS'er's your thoughts on these topics?

and

Why do we as a society give these bumbling men any authority or power?????

Are you a Stulla or Stullesha?

Mon ah long distance stulla, mon ah long distance stulla!! The tune sounds nice, but what in the world is movado on about lol! see video below....

I've been listening to this song for the longest while now and the other day, I was with Debs driving somewhere, this song came on and I was wondering what does "stulla" mean?? Did you guys know? I didn't know, that is until I googled it!

This is the thing, sometimes I listen and sing along to bashment/ dancehall and I've got no clue whats going on, all I do know is that it's probably dirty (but not always we've had "I am blessed"!lol) but the riddim (music) sounds soo good, it's only after a while I stop to consider the lyrics. This was one of those tunes....

So here is what urban dictionary says:

Stulla

A stulla is a Jamaica term coined by dancahall singer Mavado that describes a male of high sexually potency and stamina. "I'm a long distance stulla". (I am very sexually potent and can have sex for long sessions)

Please note that I didn't say oxford dictionary, I don't think that the word stulla will be in there just yet lol!

These Dancehall artists if the song's would have you believe are all Stulla's and stamina daddy's......press play on the video below: this is a big old school tune for the over 25's amongst us lol!

.....stop jamming Sel, write the post!lol!

But yeah, have you bdss'er ever been with someone you would describe as a stulla/stamina daddy or indeed a stullesha (the female equivalent)?

I was thinking that if there was a stulla competition, what would be the qualifying criteria?

Okay, okay to stop the blog going down some off key route....I'll just say that I like the song and in tribute to all you stulla's and stullesha's out there......enjoy lol!

But answer this question, are there many Stulla's/Stullesha's out there?

Summer Time Fine List

"Baby you summer time fine...."

You may or may not know this line from the J-Cole ft Drake song - In the Morning

I haven't included the video as the songs overall content is not really relevant to the post....however I might throw it in at the end of the post just because I can ;)

Anyway I absolutely like this line; "summer time, anything is better than the winter time" - equivalent for me! I am a true lover of summer. The other day when the sun was shining, I went to work looking like I was heading to the beach! I brought out my maxi dress, my sun glasses, some beads and my sandals - I went all boho chic on my work colleagues ass's (love it!) lol!

Now, I was reading today that in the UK there is a two week heatwave coming so in tribute to the fact that everyone generally looks slightly better and sexier in summer (okay not everyone), as in summer time fine aha....do you see the relevance lol! Good good :) I've compiled a quick list of my top 5 "summer time fine" celebrities below. They are not just fine they are summer time fine.

Oh and just to clarify just in case anyone's confused with the seasons . . . its not technically summer yet, even though we've had sunny weather in England it's still spring. . . 

So I've compiled my list, but I wanted to also focus on hot men in general. As I was saying the sun comes out and obviously for the male of the species it can get a little exciting; all the female flesh on show, we take it for granted - no surprise there, however surprisingly the same occasionally is true for us women too. There are quite a few good looking men who enjoy walking around topless, with a bit of sun, the shorts come out and the tops come off! Which is not exactly classy but if the person is attractive and toned, you can forgive the fashion faux pas (as long as their not wearing reebox classics - reebok classics and shorts are unforgivable as are socks and sandals lol!).

The sunglasses come out, which can potentially make a very dull looking suit on an office worker look pretty cool, suddenly you're no longer an office worker, boring, clone, you're a very cool business man lol!

Also all the wrapped up warm, fully clothed, winter looking status profile pictures on Facebook and Blackberry Messenger are replaced by sun filled pictures of men relaxing on the beach, in the gym or just out and about, again, topless flexing their muscles.

Us ladies love it!! You may continue doing this until October ;) What?! The sun may still be shining then . . .maybe.

So in the spirit of this expected heatwave/summertime fineness here's my list!!!

Idris Elba

Will Smith

Terrence Howard

Common

LL Cool J

Who are yours? Feel free to add a picture!

Here's the video enjoy!

Update: After much BDSS confering we have unanimously decided to add:

Maverick, Justin Credible, The Yak & Don Kwelu from BWNG (www.brotherswithnogame.com) to our summer time fine list. What do they look like I hear you cry? Check out their blog (shrug) they may have pictures!!! lol!

Update: Children With Leukaemia Party - amount raised...

Hello BDSS'ers just thought I'd give an update on the Children with Leukaemia party organised by our father Rawley P which took place on 7th May 2011.

Children with Leukaemia

"dump da da daaaa"  (drum roll please)...  he raised over £800 from the night alone! :-)  Everyone was so generous and although he found it very stressful (arranging it all) he has vowed to do another party next year which will be bigger and better so I'm really proud of him. Least we forget he ran the London Virgin Marathon also in aid of raising money for the Children with Leukaemia charity.

Rawley P Marathon

Rawley P and son

During the night he lamented that 4 years ago his daughter, (our sister) was diagnosed with cancer and today after undergoing chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatment she is 18 years old and it is through God's grace she is still with us! Amen.

Our lovely sister

He talked about how during her treatment thanks to the wonderful charities she was able to enjoy days out with the family at what was an extremely frightening and stressful time. These charities rely on donations in order to make the lives of children suffering with cancer a little bit more bearable, therefore it is extremely important to donate! (You can still donate to Rawley's Virgin Money Giving Page by clicking on this link).

Please also check out the Children with Leukaemia website to find out what the charity do: Children with Leukaemia

Some more pictures from the night:

The BDSS ladies 

"Just Like Candy" Sel & Debs getting down!

Fundraising fun

So there you have it BDSS'ers please donate as we are all aware cancer does not discriminate and with 6 teenagers a day being diagnosed with cancer, it is surely a worthwhile cause.

Si x

Also today Sel and I are heading down to Orpington to watch our other sister and nephew run for the Footstep International Marafun. Footsteps is an International Charity, which cares for street children and orphans in Kenya. You can donate here: http://www.justgiving.com/Sonia-Flavius

Update: Some pictures from their Marafun.

Footsteps Intl - Marafun

Sis reaching 10K finishline

Final lap

Nephew after finishing 4K

Nephew and Sis with their
medals and certificates

Great stuff!

The Man Rules

Well this post was initially going to be about dates from hell, but I decided to write this post because I was in the mood for more of a rant! Plus I thought any man that may read Si's great post Where Are All The Great Men? Will be able to perfect themselves by reading the list. Now I've compiled a list of rules just like Biggie did in the 10 Crack Commandments - classic Tune!

Rule 1: Pay For The First Date! I'm into equal opportunities, and will happily split stuff in a relationship, but there is nothing worse than a man not even offering to pay in the early stages of dating. I may offer to pay half but I expect to hear “No I'll pay” not have a man pass me the receipt so I can work out how much my starter, main, desserts and drink came to. Once I went on a date and the guy turned up 30 minutes late whilst I was standing in the rain, because he was getting his hair done. Looking back that was a red flag right there but I stupidly stayed. We proceeded to go for a meal, and at the end he made it very clear that we should split it both ways. I adamantly refused and said that he had a cheek to even suggest that, especially when he had kept ME waiting. He relented in the end but that is a deal breaker for me.

Rule 2: Don't Talk About Your Ex! I'm really not interested in hearing about your ex, if she was that great why are you by MY side? If she was that bad why don't you shut up about her? Hearing about a guys ex also leaves you thinking about whether he's still into her, and can make you feel insecure. An ex was obsessed with his ex and in the end I find out he was cheating with her - Not good!

Rule 3: Hold Down Your Own Sh*it! A man should be able to take care of business in order to class himself as a man. No woman (in her right mind) wants a man that can't cook, clean, pay bills, and generally take care of himself, unless she wants a grown a** baby. It's not attractive and will send many women eventually running in the opposite direction once they find out the 'Real Deal'.

Rule 4: Stand On Your Own Two Feet! Men are not women, it's okay for me to confer with my friends when I have a dilemma because I am a female and that what females generally do. Men who need to speak to their mums, other family members and friends for every decision in their lives are boys. I want a man that knows his own mind and trusts his own judgement, not run to his Mama all the time!

Rule 5: Do Not Cry (or show other signs of emotional weakness unnecessarily)! Now there are certain situations I would expect a man to cry don't get me wrong, but if you breakdown when we are watching Green Mile or something, I am likely to do a runner and not look back. I do not find it endearing to see a man cry at all, just like I don't find it attractive for him to be hiding behind me when we see a mouse in the house. Man up! Yesterday I was watching The Hunks on Sky Living, and Vaughan one of the guys on the show was running away from a goat whilst screaming like a little girl, this guy is a Punk sorry but he is.

Rule 6: Look After Your Child/ren: Unfortunately many children are being brought up in households without their Dads there. If this is you there is absolutely no excuse for you not to take an active role in your child's life. It really shocks me how there are certain men out there that actually think it's just the woman's responsibility to take care of the children that they helped make. If you want a real woman's respect look after your kids, it gives a major insight into how you will treat the children in your relationship if you are to have them.

Rule 7: Healthy Hygiene: This is pretty self explanatory, wash your body and brush your teeth – simple. The amount of men up in the club that clearly cannot smell their armpits still shocks me. Gosh G you were so handsome but you stunk – Deal Breaker!

Rule 8: Have Some Depth: It's refreshing to be with a man who's life just doesn’t revolve around going out clubbing, and making papers. For me spiritual awareness, and a overall depth of character is a must. I want food for my brain not a man that is unstimulating and dull. Yes *ex is also important, but it's nice to be with someone that opens your eyes to certain things, and shares your views.

Rule 9: You Are Not Mr Marcus or Lexington Steel! Sorry I'm not into a man that shaves or plucks any part of his orifice - leave it to the ladies! Yes male porn stars may shave their pubes off, but please guys NO, leave it to them! It just looks a bit homosexual when men do that. By the way to guys that do this, it doesn't make your d**k look bigger!

Rule 10: Do Not Ask How Many People I Have Slept With! Now if a girl has slept with 1 to 5 men she may tell you, after that it goes into shaky territory, so it's better to not go there. You'll probably not get the truth anyway and furthermore it's none of your business!

So BDSS'ers have you got any rules to add to the list! Do you agree or disagree with some of them? Viewers please feel free to comment!

Addictive relationships - Cryptonite Man

Everybody has something that they are addicted to and can not do without.

My own personal addiction is to gorgeous shoes, whenever I am out shopping I have to browse the shoe department/section without fail just incase there is a lovely and gorgeous pair of shoes ready to be purchased.

Other people are addicted to handbags, some to food, some to drugs,some to porn, and some to relationships. Whatever the addiction you just need that fix! It makes you feel better at least in the moment .... the long term repocussions are often not felt until later down the line.

What is an addictive relationship? How can you recognise the signs?

If you are reading this right now and you're looking over at your partner whom you've just recently allowed back into your life after numerous failed attempts at your relationship, and this is your 4th or 5th try, then it may be that your in an addictive relationship!

It can feel a little like this song by Kem:



And for various reasons you just keep going back!

The most common reasons for returning to the relationship no matter what state its in include feelings of love, being afraid that no one else will compare, great chemistry/sex, better the devil you know, maybe a partners saying everything you want to hear this time (they've changed, grown, they want the same things as you).

And I'm not talking about the kind of relationship where your together off and on for a year, I'm talking about the addicton where you do not see this person for years after a break up, but then as soon as you meet again, your wondering if this person is available to pick up where you left off, the first thing you want to ask them is not how are you, it's are you single? you start scanning their hand for a wedding ring lol, your addicted, so you instantly want them again!

You don't tell your friends about it straight away as you know that you shouldn't! You exchange details, again telling yourself it will be fine, nothing will happen, but I was addicted once so I know what happens.....Something always happens lol!

My relationship had ended with this person 5 years previously, it had been a very intense, fiery, relationship involving very strong feelings, it ended on less than favorable terms and we both moved on. Fast forward five years to a night I went clubbing, and he was there - my cryptonite man.

Who is Cry-Tonite man?

He is someone who get's you everytime....well for a period of time atleast! You want to be with him again, for one or other reason. He is like cryptonite in the sense that he makes you go weak for him. While you don't take no sh*t from any other man, you put up with all his sh*t!

Will it work a second, third time around? The chances seem very slim, there were reasons why you split up to begin with, often they will re-appear once the initial feelings of excitement die down.

So BDSS'ers have you ever been addicted to a particular relationship with someone? and after how many attempts and after how many years did you decide that it didn't work? Or maybe your in one of these relationships and it is working!

2 attempts over 5 years was enough for me to move on for good from this person....and it re-confirmed my belief of moving on and not looking or going back.

What do you think bdss'ers? Is it really fourth time lucky?

Soooo Embarrassing!!

"How comes it always happen to me?!"

On a train going home from work the other day, I became heavily involved in a conversation with my friend over the phone (yes I confess, I am at times that person on a train!). Anyway, it appears I was so heavily involved in this conversation that only when I started laughing having just said something sarcastic, did I realise that either my joke was not so funny or . . . we'd been cut off - thus making the joke redundant, null and void!! I could just feel the whole train silently celebrating and thinking "Good; maybe now she'll get the hint!" At least it wasn't as bad as the time where in the middle of saying something, the phone rings whilst I'm STILL holding it to my ear, having not realised that it had locked off at all. Maybe that's saying something about me and my gob!! LOL

Ohhh, I could go on FOREVER sharing my experiences of historical blunders. Like the time BDSS was getting ready for a night out. Since it was my turn to be the indecisive one of the night (which earrings girl? Jeans or a skirt girl? Is this too much eye makeup girl??!) I couldn't decide which pair of high heeled sandals worked best; strappy with a bit of bling or just strappy. So I tried on one of each to see which worked best, decided and that was that. Alas, did I not swing my feet out of the car onto the pavement to see that I still had one of each pair on, completely different in look and style so no chance of trying to blag a new fashion trend! Completely horrified, I left everyone there and drove all the way back home to fix up and sort myself out.

And last but most certainly not the least embarrassing, is the time I stacked it in Nandos in my new high heeled boots (I won't say which one because an employee could be reading this thinking oh yes, I remember that!!) You know them kind of killer heels BDSSers, the kind that you found on a true bargain and makes you look WHOA! so you go on with the attitude to match. Only, I hadn't considered how slippery the floors would be considering it was raining outside and needless to say, I was happy I removed the price labels from the soles otherwise the whole restaurant would have known about my bargain!!!

Oh but BDSS; please do not think you get off lightly. I have been witness to some mishaps over the years that I'm sure they prayed I'd neglect to mention. . .(*witch's cackle*)

BDSS (Bi): "I'm Dreaming of a 'White' Christmas!"

Preparing for yet again another night out (which happened to be Victorian themed night), our dear friend Bi thought she'd look hottie nubian victorian if she turned up in cream shorts, white tights and a head gear to match! Imagine dressing up for your holy communion; minus the dress which normally goes over the all white undies, hehe!! That certainly brought tears to our eyes!!

Don't laugh too hard Si, you're up next!!

BDSS (Si); "I'm Stuck Here With the 'Girl' In the Mirror - Oh Yea!"

On this occasion, Si and I made an appearance were making a night of it and decided to go out. We entered the bar and as we ladies do, headed straight to the ladies to make sure we're still looking hot! However, our dear BDSSer, leading the way, suddenly became stuck and couldn't seem to navigate her way past this woman who just wouldn't stand still to let her pass. Now coincidentally, this woman was the same height as Si and even more spookier had the same top on as her; needless to say she was dancing with her own reflection in a mirror at the back of the bar!! Calmly but firmly, I held my dear friends by the shoulders, steered her in the right direction and guided her safely to the ladies; I can assure you that I struggled to maintain my composure for quite a while afterwards!!

And last, but certainly by no means least:

BDSS (Sel); "You Raise Me UP!"

Sel and I were out just a few weeks ago when in a restaurant, we found that the dancefloor was downstairs and accessible by an escalator. Now please note we had arrived not too long beforehand so "blame it on the juice, got u feelin loose" simply doesn't cut it in this instance :D. Not a complete surprise, there were two escalators; one coming up and the other going down, simple right?? No no no, our BDSSer maybe thought she was here to train and run treadmill because she proceeded to the wrong escalator and if it were not for my love of the girl, goodness knows how that night would have ended. That would have been one quick night out!

Another memory includes a friend (who shall remain nameless) who joined me in taking a half day from work and an afternoon of shopping. Safe on her train, she thought she'd read her paper except when she went to take it out of the bag that held her new purchases, she only whips out a fresh pair of sexy undies which proceeded to fly through the air and land on the shoes of a gentleman who was sat opposite. Texting this to me, I was absolutely wetting myself as I could just imagine the serious case of embarrassment that her face would have struggled to hide!!

So, there you have it - although it's hard to believe we are not always in perfect form (haha)! Com'on BDSS'ers, I know we aint the only klutz out here - what is your most embarrassing memory?

What Not to Do When Trying to Win Back an Ex...

"I Want You Back!"

Ok, I'll admit from the start I'm no expert and we all know the path of love runs many different course's and what one person will be prepared to put up with and forgive another person won't.  Please note I am in no way saying if you don't do XYZ below your ex is putty in your hands. NOPE please remember whether you think your entitled to another chance or not; everyone (both male and female) has a right to say au revoir and ultimately a reasonable person as much as it hurts will move on because as MadeForMakeUp recently said not every person is for every season and if you handle yourself correctly your likely to move on to hopefully nicer things.
 
Now there are two reasons I'm doing this post, firstly; the other day I was speaking to a close friend of mine regarding his break up and he was discussing certain issues around it, such as his ex finding the breakup very difficult, 'blaming him' and making him feel like the 'bad person' for not wanting to give it another try (after trying a number of times) and also as they are both moving on her going out and being in certain situations with other men and then coming back and blaming him still, in essence putting the nail in the coffin through her own actions post split.

Second, in light of Sel's recent post:The BDSS: BBM, Whatsapp and Text Dating Worries in which an interesting comment was left about a break up. Both these instances got me thinking hmm do people really do that? Also if my ex came at me like that it's likely I would be saying au revoir  (and probably a lot of other people too haha!)

So without further ado:

1) Don't brag about the amount of women (or men) you have bagged since the split to the one your trying to win back (even if it's been a lot!) the comment was:

'The dating game gets kinda mazy, new found wealth but yet im still lazy, is it me or my money they want its all shady.
My posts got em sayin annoymous is crazy, a sign of success look at what it did to Amy
Lost the one i love so yeah i felt defeated, bbm and whats app yeah i got deleted
50 bags bagged but still feel depleted
So on date nights I show off and get Boasy
drink nuff get drunk to hide that im lonely
coz there backoffs may big and breast a spectacular view
But deep down I know that they aint you.'

Now on first glance and with that ending "but deep down I know they ain't you" I'll admit I thought it was a strange response to the topic being addressed but kind of sweet.  However when I went back and analysed the words I though hang on a minute... is the rap actually saying how many women with big butts and spectacular breasts they've had post split?  Plus P Diddy problems? (i.e., new wealth= not knowing if these new women want them for themselves or their money).

I though to myself cor... thats not something to be telling an ex, even if you add in that last line 'they are not you' ... I mean what person does not want to be the choosen one out of a beevy of fine breasted beauties? or the male equivalent of fine-ness did some one say Idris?...woop!


Anyway I got to say... nobody I repeat ...NOBODY wants to know that their ex has been banging lot's of other people whilst trying to get back with them no.1, and no.2, bragging and self pity is not endearing.


Moving on...
2) Don't switch up on them - I mean how off putting it must be to have someone turn into Jekyl and Hyde whilst trying to win you back. I had a friend whose ex partner used to whisper 'I love you' in one breathe and then 'You Bitch' in the next. It does not really show the stability of mind to say I'm going to want to give it another try which leads me to my next point...

3) Be Real - Instead of singing a sea of 'woe is me' be honest about where you went wrong, why you went wrong and how your going to use the knowledge if in the event they take you back (unlikely if you have done no.1 or 2) no one wants to go back to the same situation they have just left unless it has significantly changed and all previous issues have been worked through and dealt with. Now if your still feeling sorry for yourself it's highly likely you got a lot more work to do.

Obviously what ever problems there were in the relationship needs to be ironed out by both parties otherwise you'll end up doing the same old same old and being miserable.

So there you have it BDSS'ers just a few tips of what not to do in the pursuit of rekindling the love of an ex.  Can you think of anymore?