Self Destruct Button

We are all prone to pressing the self destruct button from time to time, its part of the normal human condition; and although a lot of people don't agree with Freud's Oedipus complex I definitely believe he was onto something when he talked about the different drives. You know the idea we engage in things to bring us back to our non existent state i.e. Death drive (and Life drive…but for the purpose of this post we shall focus on the death drive!) or self destructive behaviour…

For instance I watched the roast of Charlie Sheen the other night and I can't lie although funny in (small) places I mostly cringed throughout. I cringed No.1 because I was forced to watch it in the first place (too tired to argue over the remote control) and No.2 just the fact that such a smart, intelligent, witty (not forgetting filthy rich) guy is just genuinely f-ed up on drugs, s*x and what ever other vice he has; it was a little sad.

Not to mention Johnny Knoxville with his jokes about what he has put up his arse (Ok so not death inducing but still, why?). Johnny was bleeding by the end of the show, having run into Mick Tyson's fist. Now let me clarify he did not have a run in with Mike Tyson, no he actually choose to run into Mike Tyson's fist! *confused face*

*Its may have just been a fake stunt

I digress as Charlie Sheen’s clearly suffers from addiction.

Personally I define self destructive behaviour as engaging in anything which is not conducive of what you actually want...

A more clinical definition can be found here (and below):

"Three conceptual models of self-defeating behaviour can be distinguished on the basis of intentionality (desiring and foreseeing harm). In primary self-destruction, the person foresees and desires harm to self; in tradeoffs, the harm is foreseen but not desired; and in counterproductive strategies, the harm is neither foreseen nor desired"

Never is self-destructive behaviour more present than in intimate relationships. We all know that person (or maybe we are/were them) who engages in behaviour, which clearly fall into the self destructive/self-defeating realm of relationship behaviours. Below are a few examples:

The tester… 
I have a friend who is with the sweetest most docile man in the world. He would do anything she asks and my friend knows it. But every now and again she ‘throws a fit’ to "test his love" (her words not mine) and my friend relays her fit throwing stories to me with relish. For instance they were out at a nice restaurant and "he looked at another woman" (her words not mine). Now knowing her and him, I think it is likely he looked in the direction of another women! I don’t think he would dear look at another women when my friend is around ha
You can guess what happened next…a fit! She refused to eat, she sulked, she argued with him – they left in silence and the next day to her delight he was making all the moves to restore peace. In other words he passed her test!  *On that particular occasion*.

Now my friend has readily admitted she knows it bad and her partner has told her so -but still she pushes him away. Repeatedly. What do you think an example of trade off self-destruction?

The self-flagellator...
The other day one of my work colleagues asked me if another work colleague was "back on" with her boyfriend. I told her in all honesty I'm not sure and in fact I have lost track! What I do know is that when my friend is with her boyfriend he induces a rage all consuming that she has said at times she could kill him and vice verse. They go from being loved up to splitting up over alternate weekends. She abuses him; he abuses her (one incident involved actual spitting).

I think it's safe to say most of us have been a in a relationship like the above where self-flagellation would be less painful. You know one of those relationships where your other half brings out the "crazy" in you (they may be abusive, dismissive or trip any other stress-inducing trigger). 
Is sticking around in a situation which does not bring out your best an example of primary self-destruction? 

The detective… 
This may come as a surprise to you all (I’m hoping because of the cool, collected persona I present here on this blog) but once upon a time, in a relationship far, far, away I was a regular old ‘detective’ i.e., checker of my other half’s mobile phone (in other words a snoop!). This was to ensure myself that my other half was where he said he was going to be, with who he said he was going to be with; and just generally not cheating on me left right and center (my biggest fear after a previous heart break).
Now I know I’m not the first (or the last) to play detective. In fact when talking with a few of my male and female friends the majority of them have admitted playing detective at some point or another in a relationship.
Here is the thing as I said in my own case it was to ensure myself. It had absolutely nothing to do with him. In fact I never ever found what I was looking for (i.e., evidence of bad behaviour) but despite that I still checked it was like setting up for or looking for the demise of my own relationship - a whole heap of conflict! 

But I wonder why do we do it to ourselves or inflict it on others? 

No doubt feelings of worthlessness, lack of self esteem, fear and guilt all play a part in our self destructive behaviours and also historical ideas around our lovability also comes into play.  Sometimes relationships can be tough and when the difficulties seem to much to bear (either mentally or physically) and thereby threatens to throw off our equilibrium it's no wonder we prefer to reach for the self destruct button instead.

Take the self-flagellator for instances. I think it's fair to say we our all participants in our lives so I have wondered at times is it possible my friend fears that she is unlovable so hence is creating a situation in which she won’t be loved. The subconscious logic being by staying with a negative partner, she just confirms a deep-held belief that she is not worth healthy, real love perhap?

On a brighter note how do we over come the need to press the destruct button you wonder...

Step 1: No surprise here... Acknowledge it. If you keep doing the same thing (i.e., self flagellator style) and your getting the same results it's time to admit it's not working and you maybe flogging a dead horse so to speak!

Step 2: It's ok you’re normal. We all suffer from the same things that drive self destructive behaviour (or the Freudian death drive!) be it fear, guilt, feelings of worthlessness and lack of self esteem. The difference is some of us are quicker at realizing, acknowledging and letting go; but don't beat yourself up about mistakes made look to what you can change going forward.

Step 3: Finally don't act on negative feelings (i.e., the tester and detective style) learn to channel the positive and let go of the negative one day at a time.

So BDSS'ers I know I said lets focus on the positives but can you think of any other self defeating behaviours we engage in whilst in relationships and more importantly can you suggest other strategies to over come them?


Does man stress make you a woman?

 

I was listening to a song the other day, by an artist that I love and at first I was listening to the song contentedly it was quite a soulful track. I liked the vocals, the backing track, the video looked very slick, I was starting to feel quite impressed but then I caught on and listened to the lyrics, and the feminist in me started to feel slightly uncomfortable.

A good song manages to paint a picture in your mind, and this songs was about your usual r'n'b fodder, relationships, so as the lyrics in this song go on, picture me, picturing a woman struggling in her relationship talking about "these tears I cry sure won't be the last, this pain in side never seems to pass"  so I'm thinking oh oh not a great relationship!! and I can relate we've all been there.

Then the song talks about another woman "sometimes I wonder could she be more of a woman to you, than you are a man to me" double oh oh maybe some infidelity going on.  It goes on "I hope she is happy, she is happy your the chapter I am closing". He has now gone to this other woman. Tut tut tut terrible, but again I can relate issues of infidelity can feel like norm these day.

Then it got uncomfortable to me! The jarring thing is that after hearing about all this heartbreak this man is causing, the singer then goes on to thank this guy for making her a woman, it goes "so I thank you, yeahhhh, so I thank you  yeahhhh, so I thank you for making me a woomann" I can't help but think that something is wrong here......in fact I'd go so far as to say
Hell No!

Here is why......

While I understand that going through life's twists and turns can make certain individuals grow up quickly, and take on more responsibilities than others and that this may make you act and even be more mature (it may expedite the transition from boy to manhood or girl to womanhood), than if you go through an idyllic trouble free childhood. But where along the lines did a girl's ability to become a woman become a man's remit. That we have got all these song's crying out to some unsuitable meaning wanker man thank you for making me a woman!!

The song is effectively saying that I stayed here and let you miss-treat me for a minute but thank you, you made me a woman......I can't help but pose the question....how so?

There are so many stand out events in my life that mark out my journey from girlhood to womanhood and I do not class relationship break ups anywhere on my  list, some examples are moving out and having my own place, working and paying to keep a roof over mine and my families head, having a child, the very mere fact that I was born a female with the xx chromosomes, have breasts and regular period's holds so much more weight to me than the break up between me and my first boyfriend at 16 for example. Yet no one ever sings I became a woman when I had my first child or bought my first car, its always some random relationship problem.

The scary thing is that so many women subscribe to this notion, listening to the song and commenting that the song reminds them of their life, and how much they love the lyric.

Personally I think it gives the wrong person too much credit and a bit too much power, if all they hurt you why say thank you?

If someone runs over my toe's I don't thank them for the pleasure of hurting my foot. Or Punches me square in the face I don't thank them for causing me a nose bleed. The same is true for emotional distress, if someone takes liberties with your heart why then thank them and give them kudos for something that a) you already are (if your already grown) or b) your going to become in time anyway (if your a young woman not yet an adult).


So bdss'er what events shaped you and made you go from girlhood to womanhood? (I'm praying that you all will have more than the usual relationship woes as depicted in the songs) but if not its okay I want to hear from you still.  Guy's does the same hold true for you, does woman stress make you a man? I don't hear any men saying "she got pregnant by Jerome during the relationship but I thank her because she made me a man". Maybe you have them but don't say or sing theses thoughts out loud so no one knows.

Does it take man or woman stress to make you grown? I believe I could do without the stress and be a grown woman anyway but what do you think bdss'ers?

Coincidentally the actual song is sung by a woman but written by a man, this may or may not be significant! What do you think?

5 Sign's of a good man

As the old saying goes, the course of true love does not run smoothly and I speak as one of the unattached many, when I say that my relationship road, has been a very bumpy road indeed. Relationships are not like the fairy tales depicted by Walt Disney, and although they say that you have to kiss many frogs to find a prince, alot of the time it can feel like you have kissed one too many frogs, and your left wondering are their any good guys out there.

I saw this in an email the other day:

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, and sensitive man? 

A: A rumor 

Okay so it was sent as part of a longer jokey man bashing email, but  I think it's quite apt for this post, it can feel like a good man is some kind of mythological being much like a unicorn or big foot or the loch ness monster. Some people believe in his existence but he is rarely seen or encountered. After a week in which I had a woman sobbing for a whole day at work over a man and also some other relationship fatalities, It got me wondering how do you spot when a man is sincere, genuine and for want of a better description a "good man". 

I scoured the Internet in search of the answers and I also asked a few of the women I know who are coupled up and in long term relationships and I assume content.

Some of the answers were as follows:

"if he is a man of his word" or "he does what he say's he is going to do" - from a woman in an 8 year relationship.

"I can just see it in the way he looks at me" - From a woman in 1 year and a half relationship.

"He had a strong work ethic, and immediately he used it to advance us and our family' - From woman in 7 year relationship.

 "He showed love and affection to his family and friends, which made me feel like he would be able to show that to me" - From a woman in a 3 year relationship.

"little boys play around, real men settle down" - From a woman in a 8 year relationship.

So these are some of the things said by women who felt that they were in relationships with great men.

When I searched the Internet and read a few blogs and websites I found the following piece very insightful and interesting.

Mr self development.com - 3 signs of a good man 

A man with a heart, brain and courage very important.as illustrated by the above.

Other signs include:

1) Showing you respect - A man that has respect for you as a whole, your feelings and your thoughts, your space, your time, for you as the unique person that you are from the start of your relationship. Do not stick around if someone is disrespectful to you from the start, a good man will show you respect and also demand you respect them back.

2) Showing emotional maturity - A man who does not over-react or lash out when times get challenging. They can deal with life's, stresses, strains, emotional disagreements in a rational way. They can also deal with their own and their partners emotions. Have you ever been with someone who avoids conversations concerning feelings. It becomes frustrating as they are immature.

3) They are ready to commit - There are many men out there who are ready to commit and be serious, you may have come across them and have felt that they are not right for you or you for them, but when they find the right woman, there is no beating around the bush, they are proposing and getting married in no time.

4) They take care of themselves - financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically - they have focus in important area's of their life, these area's may not be perfect but they are aware of the issues and changes that need to be made, and they do it. A person can not be a help or support to anyone else unless you are able to take care of themselves first and foremost.

5) They are able to give love and to show it. A man that is a bit sensitive and emotional is not a bad thing as long as he is doing all of the above mentioned manly things. There needs to be a balance.

These are a few of my good men traits and characteristics, you may have some more, so BDSS'ers feel free to discuss and add to the list, maybe you have some I have not thought off. 

The whole point of the post  is to show that there are great men out there and to give you some tips of how to recognise them when they appear.  

Happy dating......... 

How to Avoid The Friend Zone

Now following on from Si's post regarding the friend zone! I thought I'd give some tips on avoiding the friend zone completely, as instead of working backwards trying to peddle your way back out of a friend zone situation you do not want to be in, its better to not get stuck there in the first place.

Now we have to start at the very, very beginning of the process!

So lets say that your in a club/supermarket/park (basically wherever it is you go to pick up potential mates), and you've spotted some hot chick/guy and your wanting to go in to get the number or email, bb pin or whatever lol! Please just take a second to assess whether the person is the right person to approach; whether the person is likely to give you the time of day.

Secondly, when you go in to make that initial contact, please learn how to read the body language and the cues. If the person looks horrified to see you when you initially approach/ask for the number etc, then accept that they were not feeling you and be prepared to leave things there. Equally if you are in a club and you finally pluck up the courage to make conversation with someone hasn't noticed you all night, you ask for a number and you happily get it - don't get excited, as these days for a lot of people it's just networking, or sometimes the person's on a bit of a high and in the heat of a drunken moment so they couldn't think of a good enough reason not to give you some contact information.

Thirdly, when you make the initial contact does this person seem happy to hear from you? If someone is happy to hear from you they will let you know, conversation will be positive and pleasant, you'll find yourselves arranging to meet up again fairly quickly (although I accept that there may be times when meeting up straight away is not possible) but the conversation about it will be there.

Again (and this is very important) read the cues and listen to what is being said. If you are the person making all the effort to call, text and communicate, and also if you are the one always giving compliments and not getting anything back in response then accept that if you continue to pursue this person you may be destined for the friend zone, because the truth of the matter is that this person is likely to have already made up their mind that they are not feeling you that much.

If you have to beg someone to go on a first date with you (and by beg I mean if you have to ask and enquire about it more than 2 times) without getting an affirmative response or if they keep cancelling on you, if the person suddenly relents and agrees to go on a date with you - don't get excited as it may be a sympathy date! "I haven't got anything or anyone else on, so I might as well date"; again, think friend zone.

All I'm saying is that if in the initial stages of getting to know someone and getting to the first date, if it doesn't flow nicely and smoothly, if the vibes are in anyway negative just be prepared for the friend zone if you pursue.

If the above scenario doesn't apply and you actually get to the first date without any hiccups or longness, this is a great start!

However to avoid the friend zone going forward, you have got to get the balance right, between showing a woman that you are caring and have a heart, and you are a great listener etc (just basically all the sensitive type stuff) and showing her that you are actually on it, on it (interested in being more than friends)!

Some people make the mistake when meeting a potential partner of playing it too sweet and nice. I have a friend who within a few weeks of meeting new females ends up being a confidant, listening to them drone on about past relationships and ex partners. Now, if he just analyses the situation to begin with, when first meeting someone lets say in the first few weeks, you're not obliged to even like this person let alone be an ear for them to share all their issues. Be a bit tough and if a man or a woman seems to be droning on about an ex (or issues), then don't pursue that as its quite possible that they end up getting back with the ex whilst you're stuck in the friend zone (and also with issues, the issues will become a reason why they can't get with you). You're not there to be a confidant/shoulder to cry on in the first week!

Be witty, but don't be a clown or a joker to the point where all your conversations are jokes, I say this for two reasons:

No. 1: the person will be left thinking "he/she is very funny, but there wasn't that spark there, he/she reminds me of my hilarious uncle, cousin, brother or bredrin". . . and

No.2: if you do ever bring up the topic of getting a bit closer to the person, they probably won't take you seriously. You're not there to be free entertainment!

Show a normal level of interest (to someone you barely know), don't act infactuated after two days, it's off putting and is a bit needy. Play it a little bit cool. You're there to find out about them, not to love them and put them on a pedestal, eager beavers get into the friend zone very quickly.

When on a first date or even in those early conversations, make it clear that you're physically attracted to the person. Flirt and have a little bit of sexual banter, doing all of the above 3 things, acting as a confidant, a clown or infatuated distracts and takes away from the message that you're trying to get across to this person, which is that you approached them because you found them physically attractive, so you could get to know them and if you still like them after that, you would like to take things further.

Don't waste your time faffing about trying to be overly likeable, and sweet!

The most common comments I hear from my female friends regarding men, who they date, and who quickly get placed in the friend zone are:

1) "He is nice, really sweet but a bit too keen its only been a week and he is talking about introducing me to his family"

or

2) "We have banter, we have such a laugh, he reminds me of my best friend Doug" (who is probably a previous date who ended up in the friend zone)

and finally. . .

3) "I find it really easy to talk to him but there is no spark"

In those first crucial weeks you've got to create a spark, make the person aware of how you feel and go for it! I think us women expect to be flirted with and come on to slightly, if you've asked for our number, spoken to us and want to go for a date.

Plus, remember within the first few weeks of meeting anyone, the only obligation you have towards them is being courteous and normal. If you ask for what you want and you get turned down, then at least you can make a graceful exit, without having spent weeks and months in the friend zone.

Also (and I can't stress how important this is), look out for the clues to how someone feels about you. Check the body language and unspoken cues.

So BDSS'ers what other tips can you give to avoid the friend zone? If you have a 100% hit rate with the opposite sex, what is it that you do?

Addictive relationships - Cryptonite Man

Everybody has something that they are addicted to and can not do without.

My own personal addiction is to gorgeous shoes, whenever I am out shopping I have to browse the shoe department/section without fail just incase there is a lovely and gorgeous pair of shoes ready to be purchased.

Other people are addicted to handbags, some to food, some to drugs,some to porn, and some to relationships. Whatever the addiction you just need that fix! It makes you feel better at least in the moment .... the long term repocussions are often not felt until later down the line.

What is an addictive relationship? How can you recognise the signs?

If you are reading this right now and you're looking over at your partner whom you've just recently allowed back into your life after numerous failed attempts at your relationship, and this is your 4th or 5th try, then it may be that your in an addictive relationship!

It can feel a little like this song by Kem:



And for various reasons you just keep going back!

The most common reasons for returning to the relationship no matter what state its in include feelings of love, being afraid that no one else will compare, great chemistry/sex, better the devil you know, maybe a partners saying everything you want to hear this time (they've changed, grown, they want the same things as you).

And I'm not talking about the kind of relationship where your together off and on for a year, I'm talking about the addicton where you do not see this person for years after a break up, but then as soon as you meet again, your wondering if this person is available to pick up where you left off, the first thing you want to ask them is not how are you, it's are you single? you start scanning their hand for a wedding ring lol, your addicted, so you instantly want them again!

You don't tell your friends about it straight away as you know that you shouldn't! You exchange details, again telling yourself it will be fine, nothing will happen, but I was addicted once so I know what happens.....Something always happens lol!

My relationship had ended with this person 5 years previously, it had been a very intense, fiery, relationship involving very strong feelings, it ended on less than favorable terms and we both moved on. Fast forward five years to a night I went clubbing, and he was there - my cryptonite man.

Who is Cry-Tonite man?

He is someone who get's you everytime....well for a period of time atleast! You want to be with him again, for one or other reason. He is like cryptonite in the sense that he makes you go weak for him. While you don't take no sh*t from any other man, you put up with all his sh*t!

Will it work a second, third time around? The chances seem very slim, there were reasons why you split up to begin with, often they will re-appear once the initial feelings of excitement die down.

So BDSS'ers have you ever been addicted to a particular relationship with someone? and after how many attempts and after how many years did you decide that it didn't work? Or maybe your in one of these relationships and it is working!

2 attempts over 5 years was enough for me to move on for good from this person....and it re-confirmed my belief of moving on and not looking or going back.

What do you think bdss'ers? Is it really fourth time lucky?