Self Destruct Button

We are all prone to pressing the self destruct button from time to time, its part of the normal human condition; and although a lot of people don't agree with Freud's Oedipus complex I definitely believe he was onto something when he talked about the different drives. You know the idea we engage in things to bring us back to our non existent state i.e. Death drive (and Life drive…but for the purpose of this post we shall focus on the death drive!) or self destructive behaviour…

For instance I watched the roast of Charlie Sheen the other night and I can't lie although funny in (small) places I mostly cringed throughout. I cringed No.1 because I was forced to watch it in the first place (too tired to argue over the remote control) and No.2 just the fact that such a smart, intelligent, witty (not forgetting filthy rich) guy is just genuinely f-ed up on drugs, s*x and what ever other vice he has; it was a little sad.

Not to mention Johnny Knoxville with his jokes about what he has put up his arse (Ok so not death inducing but still, why?). Johnny was bleeding by the end of the show, having run into Mick Tyson's fist. Now let me clarify he did not have a run in with Mike Tyson, no he actually choose to run into Mike Tyson's fist! *confused face*

*Its may have just been a fake stunt

I digress as Charlie Sheen’s clearly suffers from addiction.

Personally I define self destructive behaviour as engaging in anything which is not conducive of what you actually want...

A more clinical definition can be found here (and below):

"Three conceptual models of self-defeating behaviour can be distinguished on the basis of intentionality (desiring and foreseeing harm). In primary self-destruction, the person foresees and desires harm to self; in tradeoffs, the harm is foreseen but not desired; and in counterproductive strategies, the harm is neither foreseen nor desired"

Never is self-destructive behaviour more present than in intimate relationships. We all know that person (or maybe we are/were them) who engages in behaviour, which clearly fall into the self destructive/self-defeating realm of relationship behaviours. Below are a few examples:

The tester… 
I have a friend who is with the sweetest most docile man in the world. He would do anything she asks and my friend knows it. But every now and again she ‘throws a fit’ to "test his love" (her words not mine) and my friend relays her fit throwing stories to me with relish. For instance they were out at a nice restaurant and "he looked at another woman" (her words not mine). Now knowing her and him, I think it is likely he looked in the direction of another women! I don’t think he would dear look at another women when my friend is around ha
You can guess what happened next…a fit! She refused to eat, she sulked, she argued with him – they left in silence and the next day to her delight he was making all the moves to restore peace. In other words he passed her test!  *On that particular occasion*.

Now my friend has readily admitted she knows it bad and her partner has told her so -but still she pushes him away. Repeatedly. What do you think an example of trade off self-destruction?

The self-flagellator...
The other day one of my work colleagues asked me if another work colleague was "back on" with her boyfriend. I told her in all honesty I'm not sure and in fact I have lost track! What I do know is that when my friend is with her boyfriend he induces a rage all consuming that she has said at times she could kill him and vice verse. They go from being loved up to splitting up over alternate weekends. She abuses him; he abuses her (one incident involved actual spitting).

I think it's safe to say most of us have been a in a relationship like the above where self-flagellation would be less painful. You know one of those relationships where your other half brings out the "crazy" in you (they may be abusive, dismissive or trip any other stress-inducing trigger). 
Is sticking around in a situation which does not bring out your best an example of primary self-destruction? 

The detective… 
This may come as a surprise to you all (I’m hoping because of the cool, collected persona I present here on this blog) but once upon a time, in a relationship far, far, away I was a regular old ‘detective’ i.e., checker of my other half’s mobile phone (in other words a snoop!). This was to ensure myself that my other half was where he said he was going to be, with who he said he was going to be with; and just generally not cheating on me left right and center (my biggest fear after a previous heart break).
Now I know I’m not the first (or the last) to play detective. In fact when talking with a few of my male and female friends the majority of them have admitted playing detective at some point or another in a relationship.
Here is the thing as I said in my own case it was to ensure myself. It had absolutely nothing to do with him. In fact I never ever found what I was looking for (i.e., evidence of bad behaviour) but despite that I still checked it was like setting up for or looking for the demise of my own relationship - a whole heap of conflict! 

But I wonder why do we do it to ourselves or inflict it on others? 

No doubt feelings of worthlessness, lack of self esteem, fear and guilt all play a part in our self destructive behaviours and also historical ideas around our lovability also comes into play.  Sometimes relationships can be tough and when the difficulties seem to much to bear (either mentally or physically) and thereby threatens to throw off our equilibrium it's no wonder we prefer to reach for the self destruct button instead.

Take the self-flagellator for instances. I think it's fair to say we our all participants in our lives so I have wondered at times is it possible my friend fears that she is unlovable so hence is creating a situation in which she won’t be loved. The subconscious logic being by staying with a negative partner, she just confirms a deep-held belief that she is not worth healthy, real love perhap?

On a brighter note how do we over come the need to press the destruct button you wonder...

Step 1: No surprise here... Acknowledge it. If you keep doing the same thing (i.e., self flagellator style) and your getting the same results it's time to admit it's not working and you maybe flogging a dead horse so to speak!

Step 2: It's ok you’re normal. We all suffer from the same things that drive self destructive behaviour (or the Freudian death drive!) be it fear, guilt, feelings of worthlessness and lack of self esteem. The difference is some of us are quicker at realizing, acknowledging and letting go; but don't beat yourself up about mistakes made look to what you can change going forward.

Step 3: Finally don't act on negative feelings (i.e., the tester and detective style) learn to channel the positive and let go of the negative one day at a time.

So BDSS'ers I know I said lets focus on the positives but can you think of any other self defeating behaviours we engage in whilst in relationships and more importantly can you suggest other strategies to over come them?


I want a husband STAT!!

I woke up early Saturday morning in a real reflective mood.

I did what I normally do when I wake up early but don't particularly want to get out of bed... I went online looking at various tweets and facebook statuses... someone went from in a relationship to "single". Another person was talking about she would go "under the jail" if she had a daughter and a man disrespected her - she nips disrespect in the bud (my kind of women!)
Another person wished his wife a happy birthday and said thank you for being a loving and caring wife...
I don't know if it's because I watched four weddings the night before and one of the brides who was older wore what I considered the most dowdy, unflattering outfit I have every seen (I know to her it was probably perfect and that's what counts!) but it was at that point I said to my partner I don't want to wear an outfit like that on my wedding day (i.e., I don't want to be an older bride!)
That coupled with the husbands birthday speech made me think oh... I want a husband... STAT! Lol  like right now! (your getting an insight into my irrational  mind)

Now you all know I've recently turned 30 and with that came the usual banter about when Mr Si (the lady on twitter was also talking about people abusing husband/wife titles! Hehe) is going to put a ring on it! I got the talk from my father right down to an older work colleague, especially as me and Mr Si have been together for almost a decade! My colleague was almost shouting "what is he waiting for?"
My response was 'it's on the cards' or maybe I said 'it has been discussed...'

Recently some people have just done it! As in... they Met, Fell in love and Married within a short space of time or Met,  Fell in love, Planned to give up everything and get married in a short space of time!

I kind of admire (envy) that. You see almost a decade in I think why did we not do that? Also at a decade in I think we have definitely missed that 'whirlwind' window of opportunity to rush off somewhere exotic (or not) and just do it.
Now I think life has got in the way (i.e., work, raising children, finances) and any talk of marriage is puncuated with an "after we have done this..." or "after we have done that..."

I guess I wrote all of this to ask any married people or non married; even non believing in marriage people (is it just a piece of paper?) what made you just do it? or not just do it? Also how did you know she or he was 'the one' you wanted to marry? what makes a women marriage material fellas and women what makes a man marriage material? Am I even marriage material? How do you know?

Also I was ease dropping on my colleague who was having the same discussion of "when" with another colleague who has been with her partner the same length of time as myself. Now her response to the question was interesting. She basically said that if  she and her partner had gotten married right at the beginning then so be it; but as they have left it so long and also depending on the side of the bed she wakes up on she somethings thinks it would be nice to marry him and then at other times she is glad she is not married as she thinks if one day she wants to go off and do her own things she does not have any ties! interesting...

Anyways what are your thoughts BDSSers?

What If He Doesn't Want To Marry You?

Well done! After years of kissing frogs, b*tching to your girls that all men are dogs, and swearing that you will remain celibate for the rest of your life after yet another let down you have finally found him – Your very own Mr nearly Right!

Attractive? – TICK!

Intelligent? - TICK!

Spiritual or Religious? TICK!

Ambitious? – TICK!

No ex drama? – TICK!

Holds down a job? – TICK!

No serious emotional baggage? – TICK!

Honest? – TICK!

Loves you? - One big fat TICK!

Wants to get married? Errrrrmmmmmm

A few weeks ago I was speaking to a close male friend who was giving me the lowdown on his relationship. For once he seemed extremely content with his girlfriend, and I admired her for being the one who was finally getting him to settle down. My friend is approaching 30 and desperately wants to have children, his girlfriend on the other hand also wants children put his vehemently refusing until he 'Put A Ring On It'. My friend was adamant that there is no way he is EVER getting married. I was shocked at how strongly he felt against marriage, and he said something to the effect of “It will be like I'm handcuffed to her forever”. Shocked at his attitude I said “Well having a baby also means you are attached to that person forever, without the option of divorce”. But no matter how hard I tried to convince him otherwise he wouldn't listen. Eventually I threw in the towel and admitted defeat, this man was definitely not hearing it!

My male friend was by no means the only man I had come across that felt this way. I have heard often from female friends that their partners would have a baby at the drop of a hat, but when it came to marriage there was a big drama. Some women relented and had a child, but years down the line they still remained 'Miss', others held steadfast and either got their wish in the end, or decided to walk away, because marriage was firmly on their Mr Right check list, and the men they were with,  definitely didn't want to tick the marriage box.

My own opinion of marriage has definitely changed over the years, growing up I actually didn't have much examples of successful marriages, or even marriages in general. Instead I was brought up by a army of single strong women doing it alone, so it was hard to know what was needed to make a marriage work, or even what a marriage really was. I actually just tended to think about what the day would be like, or what I would wear, rather than the man that I would vow to spend the rest of my life with. A few weeks ago I went to church and the Priest said that he asked for a donation from couples for the church maintenance when they were married. He must have asked one lady for the donation after she had listed the thousands of pounds she had spent on flowers, dresses, cars etc. and when he mentioned the donation (which wasn't a lot) she was baffled. That was pretty much my view of marriage, materialistic things and a few vows thrown in. I also think that as we all know it's hard enough finding the 'Right One' without throwing marriage into the mix so it wasn't actually something that I found to be a huge deal-breaker in my quest to find him.

I will now call that nativity on my part, marriage isn't just 'The Day' but so much more. Whether you are married in a church or registry office you are making a serious commitment not only to the person you are getting married to, but religiously, legally, and spiritually in front of family and friends. I totally understand the annoyance that women feel when their partners are dragging their feet, it may be perceived as though they do not want to make that commitment to them which throws in many questions as to their future together and also how the man actually perceives the relationship. That being said I know a number of marriages that have only lasted a matter of months, and relationships without marriage that have lasted many many many years, so I don't think marriage is for everyone, or is even a sign a relationship will last.

Would it make me walk away from a great thing if he didn't want to say 'I do'? I really find that hard to answer, I've never been in that situation but would feel like he was rejecting me, which would lead me onto loads of other thoughts about his attitude to the relationship. If we both weren't keen on marriage then that would be different, but when one party is for it and the other isn't that's an hard one to resolve.

The problem is there are many single beautiful, intelligent women out there so it begs the question that Si raised in her blog post Too 'Picky' (Is this why your single?) Can you really afford to walk away from a nearly Mr Right man, just because he doesn't want to get married? What if you never meet anyone else that is even a patch on him? 

So can any men shed light on what makes some men scared of marriage? Ladies is marriage important to you? Would a partner not wanting to get married make you walk away?

Ciao!

Where Are All The Great Men?

Where is he?

I can't lie as I look around the manscape there appears to be a shortage of great men.

Now obviously before I go off on one it would be a good idea for me to define what a 'great' man means.

Now you can refer to Sel's recent post: Very Smart Men a Turn Off; she discusses the problem’s which befall "mature, intelligent, ambitious men" in relationships.

My idea of a great catch is a man who is emotionally stable, respectful, loving, considerate, affectionate, someone I can trust that their actions are in the best interest of 'us', someone who is supportive of me and my goals and all that other good stuff.

Ok I'll admit I found defining a great man a difficult task (ask me what not great looks like ha-ha!), but I think I know one when I see one, so seriously lately I have been wondering... where are all the great men at? 

You know them upwardly mobile men who are not intimidated by a great women; who when they find a great women they are not afraid to go all the way. They have no issues they need to resolve before they can love you. They have no baby mother's who pop out the woodworks. They have no old school idea's about the roles of women and men that excuses them from helping with the dishes every now and again; and finally them men who are just not stupid enough to risk a great relationship over some silliness.

Around here it come like there is a serious drought of great men, it's like the Sahara all mirage but no actual water.

If he’s not cheating, he's stalking. If he hasn’t left you to sort out his 'issues' he not taking care of the financial agreement; and if he can't get his own way in the relationship (i.e., your not willing to work, come home and wait on him hand and foot) he'd rather throw the whole thing away.

Or the killer he no longer wants the relationship but does not want you to be with someone else, therefore he interferes in your dating life.

Will the real great man please stand up…(I know their out there).

So what do you think BDSS'ers is there a shortage or a drought? Where can an upstanding woman find an upstanding man? Also what is your definition of a great man (or women)?

Stand up

Male Categorising, Scoring of Women...

It probably comes as no surprise that as I’m a blogger I read a lot of different blogs!

Lately I have noticed a number of articles regarding men having a thing about scoring or categorising women. I’m not sure if this is an American male thing, because the blogs I read are mainly American blogs or whether this phenomenon is worldwide…

The articles I have read range from men categorising the types of women such as: Ladies, What Number Are You …

In a nutshell, if you are a number 1 you are wife material, if you are a number 2 you could potentially be wife material; if you are a number 3 well... you are not wife material!

I have oversimplified it and it is possible for women to move between scores during relationships and a number 1 can be relegated to a number 3! lol

The two out of three rule Why Men Sleep With Ugly Women

Ladies listen up! If you got at least two out of the three of the following: Ass, Bust and Face and in any combination i.e., nice face and bust, bum and nice face or bum and bust (even if facially challenged) you are alright – yes!

Although come to think of it I probably only get a 1 out of 2, so no love for me! Moving on...

... I guess it got me wondering a few things:

1) Is it a universal thing…female categorising by men?

2) Do we women do it? And if so, ladies what are some of your categories, scores, grades that men fall into? Is there a male ass, bust and face equivalent that you subscribe to...? (e.g., he has a nice body, face and eyes or ugly face, nice body and nice eyes... 2 out of 3!)

Last but not least -Why can’t we all just be unique? (Oh wait very smart brothas explains why here…Your really not all that special)

(Another nut shell, women fit into 9 different templates! lol ... but the Champ did not expand on the 9 templates so ladies I guess we will never know what one we fit into!)

What are your thoughts BDSS’er? Categorising universal for men? Do you categorise or score when it comes to choosing a partner or do you view each person as unique and give them a try?

Signed: uniquely Si!