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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Too 'Picky' (Is this why your single?)

Relationship Checklist
Following Deb's recent post (How Old is too Old) regarding age gap relationships I got into a very interesting conversation with a friend who was very vocal, adamant and certain a 52 year old man is too old for a girl of 25; even a girl of 30 (her own age!).

This all stemmed from a comment I made on Debs post which was something along the lines of a women of 25 is an adult and if she wishes to be with a man of 52 year old man; then let them be! My friend was basically taking the mickey out of me.

This mickey taking lead to an in-depth discussion/friendly argument regarding preference, choice; and being what I now consider 'too picky' when choosing a relationship.

Now I must admit this is a different way of thinking for me because previous to this conversation I never thought there was such a thing as 'too picky'. In fact I've always held the view that being 'picky' was a good thing (the reasons we may explore later).

My own personal view on a 52 year old male - they are not at all ancient, yes they may be nearer my mother's age however; there are plenty of 52 years olds in good shape. Also, at 52 they would have a good amount of life experience, as well as be financially together and a lot of other good qualities that come with age. So why rule out dating one if the over all package is good?

This reasoning fell on deaf ears my friend was having none of it!

“NOPE 52 years is too old!

To the point were I found myself really trying to sell the idea of love with a 52 year old man–ha ha. (Don't start reading to much into this; I don't lust after 52 year old men regularly, but mainly because this is just how I and my friend regularly debate – taking opposite stances).

As you can imagine she brought up a number of reasons why a 52 year old is not a suitable mate:

a) “Their more suited to your mother-more things in common”
b) “What if they suffer ill health –you'll end up being a carer”
c) “What if you want to have children –they will be dead by the time the child is 18!” – My retort being:
d) “Nice to see you, to see you nice!” - if Bruce Forsythe is 70+ and having babies why can't me and my 52 years old man?

We then moved onto a discussed around other preferences that she has such as, she would not date anyone from a different religion (her being a Christian). She would not date anyone from a specific cultural or ethnic background (I hesitate to say this but specifically she mentioned Nigerian); someone who smokes or has children.

It was at that point (out of exasperation mostly) I started saying things like:

“But what if you met someone who is 52 years old and ticks almost all your other boxes?”


What if you met someone who smokes and they tick all your other boxes?”


“…just think about it… what IF you met someone who ticks all your other boxes but practices a different religion - religion don't make the man does it?” (in hindsight I can see I basically asked the same; and also rubbish question in a slightly different way – but I was desperate people! Ha ha)

To which she replied: “Well then he does not met my preferences at all!” Lol (with frustration)

My headstrong friend then pointed out love is not necessarily about 'love' rather it is about choice or personal preferences (so unromantic). In some respects I agree (relationships take work) but there was also a part of me that thought - you're ruling out someone who could potentially be 'the one' based on one little insignificant thing (is religion insignificant?) like smoking or ethnic origin.

I read an article a while back where a woman was recounting spotting a PH-(fine!) man at a friend's party. She asked her friend for the low down on this man and the report was good (unlike Sel's low down the other week: The BDSS: Its Not in Our Heads...!) This man was good looking, educated, good job (working with orphans), and just basically good everything (an eco-warrior); she said it herself he ticked all the boxes plus - he was interested in her too. So her friend got his number... but there was just one thing…a different religion!

She never ever did call him… again I say what IF...

So BDSS'ers what do you think? Is there such a thing as being too picky when choosing a relationship? Have you ever ruled out someone based on not meeting one specific preference? Have you ever met someone who ticked all your boxes? Do you even have boxes? What's in you box? (of preferences!)


  1. Hahaa; this had my chuckling :D

    It definitely is each to their own but at the same time, I suppose that out of preference; although I would prefer my partner to be older, I would prefer closer to me in years.

    I personally know more happier christian/muslim couples than their same-region counterparts, cos both put the effort into making it work and expose their children to both faiths, which is ultimately respect for something that may not necessarily be of your own personal beliefs.

    I have been picky in the past; not tall enough, not slender/toned enough (I'm only little lol), too slim, not aspirational enough, too lazy, too egotistical, too angry, too in touch with his feminine side. . . list could really go on!

    Although I realise that all of the above would be immediate no-go or 'get the hell outta here', as I've gotten older I've had to realise that I'm not such a 'perfect' catch myself what with certain difficult responsibilities and my at times over zealous nature for personal progression and survival (i.e. independence - has been a big problem for some) - but I would hope that doesn't take too much away from me being in the least a 'good catch'.

    Again, I would love to be with a Christian but would accept someone who at least believes in God; unfortunately, I've met many 'non-believers' who are more 'Christian' in their values, morals and actions that some in church every Sunday, so I suppose acknowledgement of/respect for my faith would be be the least I'd ask

  2. Interesting post on reading this i know i said a few of these things ok maybe all of them do i feel bad no, because its preference, i'm not like the man police, no disrespect to folks who are 52 or are different religions but its not something i want to be into. Most of all for me maybe i didn't get this across for me its not what he looks like, how much he makes or where he is from because truly i think when love comes knocking Godly love i doubt very much i would slam the door shut in his face. Most of all i am truly after someone who is a Christian man with Christian principles, Godly principles. If i can have a marriage like my mother and father i would very happy. Certain things are very important to me and being with someone that we agree on certain things in life is important, i don't want get married only to find this person doesn't actually want me to work and have kids or that they don't want kids or that they don't want to move country or that actually i don't believe in God actively, not just talk about be but be about and be in it and live it or at least try to on a daily basis. A man who had Godly principles is a man who would in the end tick all my dream man. :0)

  3. oh wait check what a real Godly man consists of, i thought that is what it comes down a Godly man with those principle that he stands by, lives by or tries no one os perfect but a trier is better than someone that doesn't at all.



    This will challenge and make you think differently and not focus on the superficial things, which i am guilty of as well but i like to think when it comes down to it my faith in God will lead me to a man who is from God of God and led by God.

    Please please watch the links in your own time. Opened my eyes to the thing i really identify with.

  4. Absolutely yes, I think that there are people out there who are rediculously picky with regards to the opposite sex...which is why they are single.

    I think that some people, are just naturally fussy and picky to the extreme, and so trying to find that person who ticks all the boxes can be difficult. I also think that there are those people who use it as a way of avoiding relationships, if someone falls short of their preferences then it gives them an excuse not to pursue them.

    Being picky can be great as long as you are picky about the right things.

  5. Si I can soo relate to this!

    My friend once told me her grandmother had told her 'That you can pick til you pick sh*t' when it comes to men. I've done it myself and it's got me nowhere. Yes it's fine to have standards but if you have a checklist, and by share fortune you find a guy that ticks everything off the list it still does not mean that there will be a spark to set you on the road to happiness. I myself swore I would never date a Nigerian man, and however many years later I have two sons who are a quarter Nigerian. I held this belief due to certain stereotypes and things that I heard from other people. After certain life experiences I realised that it was silly to have such beliefs and realised it is purely down to the individual how they act and not their origin.

    I know far too many beautiful, intelligent African/African-Caribbean women who are single. Obviously this is for numerous reasons, but I've often met women in their 40's who are single and still waiting for 'Mr Right'. Sorry but I doubt he's out there, people just aren't perfect like that, and I think by excluding so many men they aren't doing themselves any favours.

    Furthermore they are preventing themselves from being happy and having a family, just because someone isn't on your checklist does not mean they can't be better suited for you than a man that ticks the boxes.

    Going back to my quote, the moral of the story is that you can nit pick away and basically get sh*t.

  6. Check out Why Are 42% Of Black Successful Women Are Single?

  7. Wow!!! More examples of why religion is the work of dark forces, bringing more separation!!!