Does man stress make you a woman?

 

I was listening to a song the other day, by an artist that I love and at first I was listening to the song contentedly it was quite a soulful track. I liked the vocals, the backing track, the video looked very slick, I was starting to feel quite impressed but then I caught on and listened to the lyrics, and the feminist in me started to feel slightly uncomfortable.

A good song manages to paint a picture in your mind, and this songs was about your usual r'n'b fodder, relationships, so as the lyrics in this song go on, picture me, picturing a woman struggling in her relationship talking about "these tears I cry sure won't be the last, this pain in side never seems to pass"  so I'm thinking oh oh not a great relationship!! and I can relate we've all been there.

Then the song talks about another woman "sometimes I wonder could she be more of a woman to you, than you are a man to me" double oh oh maybe some infidelity going on.  It goes on "I hope she is happy, she is happy your the chapter I am closing". He has now gone to this other woman. Tut tut tut terrible, but again I can relate issues of infidelity can feel like norm these day.

Then it got uncomfortable to me! The jarring thing is that after hearing about all this heartbreak this man is causing, the singer then goes on to thank this guy for making her a woman, it goes "so I thank you, yeahhhh, so I thank you  yeahhhh, so I thank you for making me a woomann" I can't help but think that something is wrong here......in fact I'd go so far as to say
Hell No!

Here is why......

While I understand that going through life's twists and turns can make certain individuals grow up quickly, and take on more responsibilities than others and that this may make you act and even be more mature (it may expedite the transition from boy to manhood or girl to womanhood), than if you go through an idyllic trouble free childhood. But where along the lines did a girl's ability to become a woman become a man's remit. That we have got all these song's crying out to some unsuitable meaning wanker man thank you for making me a woman!!

The song is effectively saying that I stayed here and let you miss-treat me for a minute but thank you, you made me a woman......I can't help but pose the question....how so?

There are so many stand out events in my life that mark out my journey from girlhood to womanhood and I do not class relationship break ups anywhere on my  list, some examples are moving out and having my own place, working and paying to keep a roof over mine and my families head, having a child, the very mere fact that I was born a female with the xx chromosomes, have breasts and regular period's holds so much more weight to me than the break up between me and my first boyfriend at 16 for example. Yet no one ever sings I became a woman when I had my first child or bought my first car, its always some random relationship problem.

The scary thing is that so many women subscribe to this notion, listening to the song and commenting that the song reminds them of their life, and how much they love the lyric.

Personally I think it gives the wrong person too much credit and a bit too much power, if all they hurt you why say thank you?

If someone runs over my toe's I don't thank them for the pleasure of hurting my foot. Or Punches me square in the face I don't thank them for causing me a nose bleed. The same is true for emotional distress, if someone takes liberties with your heart why then thank them and give them kudos for something that a) you already are (if your already grown) or b) your going to become in time anyway (if your a young woman not yet an adult).


So bdss'er what events shaped you and made you go from girlhood to womanhood? (I'm praying that you all will have more than the usual relationship woes as depicted in the songs) but if not its okay I want to hear from you still.  Guy's does the same hold true for you, does woman stress make you a man? I don't hear any men saying "she got pregnant by Jerome during the relationship but I thank her because she made me a man". Maybe you have them but don't say or sing theses thoughts out loud so no one knows.

Does it take man or woman stress to make you grown? I believe I could do without the stress and be a grown woman anyway but what do you think bdss'ers?

Coincidentally the actual song is sung by a woman but written by a man, this may or may not be significant! What do you think?

I want a husband STAT!!

I woke up early Saturday morning in a real reflective mood.

I did what I normally do when I wake up early but don't particularly want to get out of bed... I went online looking at various tweets and facebook statuses... someone went from in a relationship to "single". Another person was talking about she would go "under the jail" if she had a daughter and a man disrespected her - she nips disrespect in the bud (my kind of women!)
Another person wished his wife a happy birthday and said thank you for being a loving and caring wife...
I don't know if it's because I watched four weddings the night before and one of the brides who was older wore what I considered the most dowdy, unflattering outfit I have every seen (I know to her it was probably perfect and that's what counts!) but it was at that point I said to my partner I don't want to wear an outfit like that on my wedding day (i.e., I don't want to be an older bride!)
That coupled with the husbands birthday speech made me think oh... I want a husband... STAT! Lol  like right now! (your getting an insight into my irrational  mind)

Now you all know I've recently turned 30 and with that came the usual banter about when Mr Si (the lady on twitter was also talking about people abusing husband/wife titles! Hehe) is going to put a ring on it! I got the talk from my father right down to an older work colleague, especially as me and Mr Si have been together for almost a decade! My colleague was almost shouting "what is he waiting for?"
My response was 'it's on the cards' or maybe I said 'it has been discussed...'

Recently some people have just done it! As in... they Met, Fell in love and Married within a short space of time or Met,  Fell in love, Planned to give up everything and get married in a short space of time!

I kind of admire (envy) that. You see almost a decade in I think why did we not do that? Also at a decade in I think we have definitely missed that 'whirlwind' window of opportunity to rush off somewhere exotic (or not) and just do it.
Now I think life has got in the way (i.e., work, raising children, finances) and any talk of marriage is puncuated with an "after we have done this..." or "after we have done that..."

I guess I wrote all of this to ask any married people or non married; even non believing in marriage people (is it just a piece of paper?) what made you just do it? or not just do it? Also how did you know she or he was 'the one' you wanted to marry? what makes a women marriage material fellas and women what makes a man marriage material? Am I even marriage material? How do you know?

Also I was ease dropping on my colleague who was having the same discussion of "when" with another colleague who has been with her partner the same length of time as myself. Now her response to the question was interesting. She basically said that if  she and her partner had gotten married right at the beginning then so be it; but as they have left it so long and also depending on the side of the bed she wakes up on she somethings thinks it would be nice to marry him and then at other times she is glad she is not married as she thinks if one day she wants to go off and do her own things she does not have any ties! interesting...

Anyways what are your thoughts BDSSers?

5 Sign's of a good man

As the old saying goes, the course of true love does not run smoothly and I speak as one of the unattached many, when I say that my relationship road, has been a very bumpy road indeed. Relationships are not like the fairy tales depicted by Walt Disney, and although they say that you have to kiss many frogs to find a prince, alot of the time it can feel like you have kissed one too many frogs, and your left wondering are their any good guys out there.

I saw this in an email the other day:

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, and sensitive man? 

A: A rumor 

Okay so it was sent as part of a longer jokey man bashing email, but  I think it's quite apt for this post, it can feel like a good man is some kind of mythological being much like a unicorn or big foot or the loch ness monster. Some people believe in his existence but he is rarely seen or encountered. After a week in which I had a woman sobbing for a whole day at work over a man and also some other relationship fatalities, It got me wondering how do you spot when a man is sincere, genuine and for want of a better description a "good man". 

I scoured the Internet in search of the answers and I also asked a few of the women I know who are coupled up and in long term relationships and I assume content.

Some of the answers were as follows:

"if he is a man of his word" or "he does what he say's he is going to do" - from a woman in an 8 year relationship.

"I can just see it in the way he looks at me" - From a woman in 1 year and a half relationship.

"He had a strong work ethic, and immediately he used it to advance us and our family' - From woman in 7 year relationship.

 "He showed love and affection to his family and friends, which made me feel like he would be able to show that to me" - From a woman in a 3 year relationship.

"little boys play around, real men settle down" - From a woman in a 8 year relationship.

So these are some of the things said by women who felt that they were in relationships with great men.

When I searched the Internet and read a few blogs and websites I found the following piece very insightful and interesting.

Mr self development.com - 3 signs of a good man 

A man with a heart, brain and courage very important.as illustrated by the above.

Other signs include:

1) Showing you respect - A man that has respect for you as a whole, your feelings and your thoughts, your space, your time, for you as the unique person that you are from the start of your relationship. Do not stick around if someone is disrespectful to you from the start, a good man will show you respect and also demand you respect them back.

2) Showing emotional maturity - A man who does not over-react or lash out when times get challenging. They can deal with life's, stresses, strains, emotional disagreements in a rational way. They can also deal with their own and their partners emotions. Have you ever been with someone who avoids conversations concerning feelings. It becomes frustrating as they are immature.

3) They are ready to commit - There are many men out there who are ready to commit and be serious, you may have come across them and have felt that they are not right for you or you for them, but when they find the right woman, there is no beating around the bush, they are proposing and getting married in no time.

4) They take care of themselves - financially, spiritually, emotionally, physically - they have focus in important area's of their life, these area's may not be perfect but they are aware of the issues and changes that need to be made, and they do it. A person can not be a help or support to anyone else unless you are able to take care of themselves first and foremost.

5) They are able to give love and to show it. A man that is a bit sensitive and emotional is not a bad thing as long as he is doing all of the above mentioned manly things. There needs to be a balance.

These are a few of my good men traits and characteristics, you may have some more, so BDSS'ers feel free to discuss and add to the list, maybe you have some I have not thought off. 

The whole point of the post  is to show that there are great men out there and to give you some tips of how to recognise them when they appear.  

Happy dating......... 

The BDSS Hols 2011

T'was Long Overdue!

If you follow us on Twitter or Facebook you will know that we, The BDSS ladies, have recently just returned from a week long holiday in Tenerife. Aaah, it was so sunny and hot whilst we were there; and we are still looking tan-tastically brown and sun kissed from many days lounging on the beach, soaking up the rays and just generally feeling sensational in our bikinis.

To say we had a fabulous time is an understatement; we can hardly finds words to describe just how much fun it was, therefore we think it only fitting to describe it using a fraction of the hundreds of pictures we came back with (and we mean hundreds!)

Sel preparing the holiday post

Before the trip

Now, we had a 'situation' that we needed to consider since when we found and booked the holiday, we were unable to as friends as it was apparently aimed at couples or families. But this opportunity was too good to pass us by so ... we became girlfriends. Not the 'hey girl!' kind but more like the 'this is my life partner'! (which is not entirely a lie - we're down for life!)

Anyhoo, let's not dwell on the minuscule details ... ;p

Beautiful

The Resort
So, our trusty Thomas Cook cabin had the privilege of taking us lovelies to our destination. It was so dreary when we left as per the usual British weather that it was extra refreshing when we arrived at the resort.

The resort itself was clean and comfortable and our room overlooked an endless view of the Atlantic Ocean. The only problem; we felt as though we had jumped into a new series of Little Britain meets Benidorm! We arrived at our resort early evening and we noticed a gleaming sign in the lobby saying 'Tonight Karaoke!' (and other fun stuff). Si being eager to get the party started spotted it and said that we should check it out, so we thought - let's go! 

Looks even prettier on the way out!

So we freshened up, went out for a bite to eat and headed back to the resort with what must have been high hopes as all we found were children dancing on stage singing along to 'Aga-Do', 'Steps' and dancing the conga train whilst the adults remained at their tables clapping.

Whilst we were sat at a table drinking the cocktails we hastily ordered (and downed) to drown our sorrows, we all had the distinct feeling that somehow we did not belong at this 'kind' of resort. Maybe it was the way the patron's looked at us as we entered the room (as if we were aliens or worse, locals!). Or maybe it was the fact their stares lasted a little too long (ok true say, we were looking fabulous!). But it definitely was the fact that not one of them raised a polite smile on eye contact which nearly threatened to pop the 'happy holiday' bubble.

A disappointing experience, to say the very least and we vowed there and then that it was not one that needed repeating. We realised that being the only blacks in the resort (or village!), the resort would be used for sleeping purposes only!

Our sh*tty trusty little runabout

The Car

So we hired a car the next day which would enable us to do just that! Our little Citroen C5; it was sh*t but saved our holiday! Debs and Si as the nominated drivers were reminded of their first ever cars with the tough pedals and gearbox that might as well have been a 100Kg gym weight!

You have to know that this was the first time either Debs or Si have driven outside of the UK; on the 'wrong' side of the road! But it made for great adventure as we set off on our second day trying to find a beach and simultaneously avoid the wing mirrors of parked cars or simply plummeting off of the winding, Formula One, cliff edge style roads! Si says Debs was much better at adjusting to it since her first attempt saw her pull over to the side of the road in a panic; sweating and screaming "I can't do it!"

Debs on the other hand felt quite chuffed with herself with the first trip out of the rental compound and then onto the beach but later that night had suggested a drive (which considering what the resort may have had in store seemed to be a fantastic idea) in which we got lost and found ourselves heading miles into the centre of a very dark & unfamiliar island. With the help of our Sat Nav (i.e. Sel), we managed to find our way back to the resort safely. 

Playa del Duque

By Day...

We hit the beaches - Playa de San Juan, Playa de Fañabé and Playa del Duque, all in the region of Costa Adeje; in search of that perfect combination of sun, sea, sand and ssss .... sangria! We literally laid for hours on sun loungers and would only move to turn over or to take brave dips in and out of the cold Atlantic sea.

Beach Babes!

Sel absolutely loved the days we spent lounging on the beach and then heading back and getting ready for a night out! No kids, no men or work related stress; a prescription of endless fun and R&R.

Not to mention she was with her BDSS ladies, the laughter and pure nonsense was endless!!

Bi - and not a minute too soon!

Bi was the final BDSSer to join us 3 days later and we were waiting for her to arrive and dump her bags so that we could whisk her straight off to the beach.

Bunch of Posers!

 We met some lovely people and none more so than Giamp and Raphaele who became honorary BDSSers for the week and joined us on many a trip. They were Italian, with only one speaking decent Spanish and minimal English and what with us being British and Debs doing the majority of the most basic Spanish and absolutely no Italian, where it not for Google Translator we would've have missed out!!

Cute, no??

Si soaking it up!

Debs was on point!

Sel finding her inner model!

The Motley Crew!

One of many beach-side dinners!

By Night...

We partied! From Los Cristianos with its numerous bars playing everything from salsa and reggaeton to dance, pop and funky house. It was here we found Magic (which should have been called Illusion instead!) Las Americas on the other hand had more of a variety a number of plush wine bars to the downright typical British clubbing precinct which was home to Veronicas (which to Si resembled a night on the town in Maidstone with its cheap shots, bar hopping, drunkenness, people falling over, the smell of sick and bad dancing!) and Tramps which ... says it all really!!

Bailando!

VIP is how it's done in Tibu

The highlight of our clubbing experience was Tibu in Las Americas. Not only was it plush but there were sexy androgynous dancers, live music and the crowd was very nice (but for a few coke snorting crazy eyed looking people).

We had a fabulous time. Sel and Debs podium danced, Bi was being woo'ed by a guy with his heart on his sleeve (more on that later) and Si had a fabulous marathon dance with another Italiano - it was so hyped, we can't remember the last time we were still going hard at minutes to 6.00am!

We then went for chicken and chips in SFC (Spanish Fried Chicken?!)

Night after the Tibu night before!

The Food

The food was truly a spectrum of the most wonderful flavours and unbelievable portions to the downright questionable. I mean, whoever heard of  Chinese & Indian BBQ Buffet?! A dodgy concept actually turned out alright (maybe the hungry was no longer discriminating) but Sel's reassurance was restored some when we saw the owners sit down and eat their own produce (so, no one's pet cat then!) 

Back to the portions; they were HEALTHY to say the least and you certainly got your money's worth. Lazing on the beach all day is hungry/thirsty work so we were all to ready to stop by many a restaurant and to refuel.

The Men

You know the feeling when you're really excited about something and you don't know what to do with all that pent up energy? Well then you'll understand that we became quite open-minded with respects to the local 'talent'; expect we were not exactly overwhelmed with Spanish stallions. More like eager beavers and love sick ponies haha!

for the singles amongst us (and also the attached ladies who enjoy a bit of eye candy) no such Spanish men were to be found! In fact, we noticed the overly groomed look of some of the Spanish men which lead to questions around sexuality; not that we're saying that the metrosexual male looks gay, it was just extremely difficult to determine half the time!

Other variants of men we encountered were the Italian kind. Our Italian buddies, with whom we went to bars, beaches and dinners were lovely but were more like honorary girlfriends than the stallions we had envisaged. But who cared, we had more fun with them than we could have imagined!

The men we did encounter wear their hearts (or maybe another part of their anatomy) on their sleeves!  Debs had just the one dance with a guy because before he could finished spinning her around he went in straight for the kill!, I mean WTF man!! Sel was in hysterics as all she could hear was "Justa waan, justa little waan!" with Debs screaming "no, no NOOO!! 

Another BDSSer hadn't even danced with this guy; just sat and talked with him but before she knew it; he could not "live without her" and he also tried going in for a kiss! We have video evidence of him being told to behave haha!

Some of them had been through heartache and we found out about it ... over dinner! The mood suddenly darkened a little where it seemed as though we had found ourselves in a therapy session, where the theme was wicked ex girlfriends and destroyed lives.

Bizarre! It was such a contrast to the BDSS dating culture at home. The only excuse to go in for a kiss on a first dance would be blind drunkenness (in which case you would not get a dance in the first place!) but most appeared to be pretty much sober.

It was all good fun BDSSers and so overdue as until then, we had never all been away together which is kind of hard to believe. As in the wise words of Jay-Z it will be "onto the next one, onto the next one" - any suggestions??

Plus there was a big tune out there. When this song came on everyone went absolutely mad and rightly so as it's a great track! It most definitely became the theme tune to our holiday: 

We would like to use this opportunity to say thank you to all our regular readers for regularly stopping by the blog and we appreciate your presence x

It's a BDSS Birthday - Si & Sel!

The Birthday Ladies - 30 & still looking fabulous!

That’s right! Two of our 4 favourite BDSS’ers have hit yet another a happy milestone of their lives so I wanted to share a quick token of our love and respect for these lovely ladies with you, and the special bond that has kept us united for the past 12 years – in the form of pictures!

BDSS - Sel

To me, you’ve always been the most serene out of all of us. Where Bi and Si are down to roll with hammers, spray paint and keys in the direction of the ex’s car (too much Red Bull me thinks!), I feel you have the calmer and more logical approach to such matters. Well, that was until you gave your phone away at Tibu . . .

You’re beautiful, smart, intelligent, loving and supportive and a wonderful mother to a stunning young man. Even through times of trials you remain positive and this inspires me to keep my head up through mine. I’ve watched you emerge from your caterpillar cocoon (or floor length puffer!) into a butterfly with a spectrum of qualities that dazzles the lives of those blessed to know you and stuns those who try to dampen your flame.

BDSS - Si

From Day One in 1999, Si and I were all about the clubs yo! Fridays, Saturdays and even Sundays (Capital was our spot!) This may be news to you, but get on Si’s wrong side at your peril (Haha – will say no more!). 

Also a source of inspiration to me, Si has shown the rest of us what it really means to be in a loving, grounded relationship with the ultimate blended family unit.

It’s a blessing that you’re more than deserving of and it is a part of the foundation that has created the woman that you are today. Also the mother to another stunning young man, you continue to demonstrate that nothing is out of reach, once you are willing to put your heart and soul into it.

We love these girls dearly, Bi and I. We met as adolescents and can now look back over the last 12 years at our wealth of memories as sisters. Let me tell you, all of these ladies have been there for me MORE SO than my own blood so give me water any day!! We have shared the good, the lovely, the funny, the hysterical, right down to the dark and heartbreaking moments – and we remained a unit throughout.

So once again, a very, very Happy 30^th Birthday – here’s to the next 30 years xx

Danza!!!