So the other day I was reading a hilarious post on Very Smart Brothas entitled principle schmiciple: The stupidity of the ‘you dated my friend so you’re off limits forever’ argument…
In a nutshell it went through a number of reasons why the argument of never going out with a friend’s ex is well …stupid! (It reduces your dating pool, by excluding people who you might be compatible with or it might be a subtle dig on the quality of your friend ha! - an interesting one!) I recommend you read it... http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/principle-schminciple-the-stupidity-of-the-you-dated-my-friend-so-youre-off-limits-forever-argument/
Anyways whilst some of the reasons were good, it did concede that there are some circumstances were going out with your friends ex might not be appropriate, such as if they just broke up yesterday or the ex- cruelly dismissed or played your friend and at the time you were expected to provide the bleach! lol
Now to be honest I don’t think I have ever gone out with a friends ex and not only that; it has never really been an option for me because when it comes to whom my friends are going out with I usually behaviour in one of two ways…
…If my friend is happy with their beau I'm genuinely happy for them and don't mind meeting said beau and going to couple’s dinner’s and genuinely being nice and getting to know them etc…
However, if my friend is unhappy and is to the point of plotting murder against said beau… I will admit (and of course depending on the misdemeanour) I would be willing not only to provide the bleach, but possibly a shovel too! Lol … that’s the kind of friend I am...
… You see, when it comes to love I just hate to see people being mugged off and I have been known in the past to get incredulous on my friends (and family members) behalf and if you ever need someone to tell you what I really think about that lying, cheating, watless so and so… you only have to ask and I'll tell you why you deserve and can do much better than that idiot... Eadart!
So anyways... over the years I have been parted to a number of instances where a close friend or relative have discussed with me the details of some ridiculous/messy relationship situation at a point when they themselves are usually incredulous, vexed or upset by the antic's of their beau and depending on the antics, as mentioned above... I'd be willing to get the shovel! lol
Now as I have grown and developed I have come to the realization that the course of true love never runs smoothly and sometimes love ain’t gone be no picnic and if it’s worth having it worth fighting for…(Cheryl was right!)
… and there usually comes a point when the initial reactions subside, the anger simmers and people go back to rebuilding their relationships and sometimes the almost murdered beau manages to slot back into the rigmarole of what would appear to be their normal relationship…(good for them)…
I suppose what I’m trying to say is where does that leave me… the friend with the bleach and the shovel?!
Just the other day I almost came into contact with an almost murder victim… I say almost came into contact because I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything to this person… something (maybe it’s a grudge because I don’t think they deserve a second chance) just stopped me and my thought process went along the lines of... if I say hello and ask how you’ve been and what’s going on… smiling falsely (when I know full well what has been going on -Eadart!) will I would just be a hypocrite and also even though my friend may have forgiven your wayward behaviour… I’m just not ready to forgive!
Now I know it’s childish and really it is none of my business if my friend wants to go out like that… however I’m just saying ...it is hard! Lol
So anyways BDSS’rs can you relate? Have you had to standby and watched someone dear to you appear to be mugged off? How did you overcome? I mean seriously I don’t want to be that hater friend for whom beau's name is unmentionable! lol
What are your thoughts?
I totally agree with you ' I know it’s childish and really it is none of my business'
ReplyDeleteWell you are obviously a better person than me anonymous... I take it you have never had your nose in other peoples business... good for you!
ReplyDeleteFriends should be able rely on each other for both support and realism when certain situations call for either. Support even when we don't agree with certain choices and realism when delusion sets in lol - having said that, it's easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteI have been in relationships and situations where I've lent on fellow BDSSers and other fam/friends for realistic/unbiased advice; I wouldn't ask for it if I didn't really want the insight. At the same time, I've had to offer the same but admittedly, personal relationships I have with people can at times impact on my attitude towards the 'perceived threat' or situation that could cause harm to my loved one - I just think that's natural and therefore hard to reel in at times!
So in that respect, I think it makes it someone's business (to a certain extent I suppose) if someone invites their help/opinion but more importantly, because they're the one whose shoulder I'll be crying on if it all went wrong!!!
I think it can be rather tricky if your not liking someones partner especially if somethings been done thats hurt your friend or family member, however its one of those things that as passionately as you might feel about a person, whether you love them or hate them, approve or disapprove you just have to respect your friends choice.
ReplyDeleteIts a hard one because, what you think is best for you may not be best for others, i can understand being angry and standing up for your friend but truly there comes a time when they have to wake up and see the fool for themselves. Its only natural if you see your friend hurting that you want to say something advice them, encourage them to see the dog within. Its not about none of your business or being childish because as a true friend you should know when it is right to say something and what to say and how to put it across. You as a friend also should know how your friend will take your advice yes sometimes the best message is to say nothing at all because sometimes that does speak volumes because in that silence you say everything and they know it, friend have that kind of communication.
ReplyDeletePersonally i dislike my friends being mistreated by men it hurts because i know their true quality and to hear or see them being messed around really hurts but i also know when i should speak and how i should come across.
Madeformakeup I think you just summed up what I was trying to get at...
ReplyDeleteI mean take me and BDSS: Sel go back since the womb! and I'm not saying that we are telepathic or anything like that, but when she is hurt I am hurt (and I'm hoping vice versa) and it the same with my friends...
But obviously as you said a true friend knows when to butt in and butt out and also when to take a certain approach or not!
Its not just about being all up in peoples business! lol
Si the next time you find yourself asking "where does that leave me… the friend with the bleach and the shovel?!"
ReplyDeleteJust calmly say to yourself "
" Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" I find that helps me.....
that very true its not about being in other peoples business there is a line that as a friend or family you should be able to tell if you are crossing it. Yes some people can't tell and i can't nor will i speak for them but myself i know when i have said too much, i know if i should even say anything and weight whether that person will accept what i am saying.
ReplyDelete^^ having known Si for the best part of my life i would say her quote of the shovel is not meant to be taken literally rather just use of words that may be lost in translation. Si lesson learned lol
Lets not take bible literature out of context because Si is not casting judgement rather trying to show how much defending her friends means to her maybe she should have said it like it but i guess that was for the people who know her very well.
ok i'm done y'all have fun