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Saturday 23 July 2011

It Wasn't Me ...Take Some Responsibility for your Relationship Breakdown



BDSS’ers have you ever had one of those days (you know the ones I’m talking about)…

You see my problem is I have a low tolerance for foolishness; plus I carry my gas money: http://t.co/Jlk1b78 (or petrol as we call it in the UK!)

This can sometimes mean certain people dislike what I say (which is fair enough) but not only that they give me more power than I’m due; casting me as the grand puppet master in the demise of their relationship!

Well the other day things got quite ridiculous, to the point that insults and threats were made (not by me); and in the midst of this I took to twitter and tweeted in a passive aggressive manner (as people on twitter do!):

“I should do a post entitled I am not the reason your relationship broke up, you should try taking some responsibility.” *grr!*

To which @CredibleJ of the great blog http://www.brotherswithnogame.com/ replied “lool I would read it” so Credible J this one is for you (kind of!).

You see this person took offense to something I said because I questioned certain behaviour and in the midst of all the insults flowing I said to myself, hang on a minute MATE!  I did not lie up in the bed and conceive the seed that ruined your relationship. It wasn’t me *Shaggy voice* how about you take some ownership?

Later on during the same day I came across a tweet by Tony A Gaskin Jr:

(Verbatim) “A Grown Man: accepts FULL RESPONSIBILITY for his life, points no blame and understands Purpose, Legacy & Love.”

Now if all of the above does not constitute a sign that I should do a post about FULL RESPONSIBILITY in a relationship then I don’t know what (a sign) is! 

So without further ado…

Responsible Definition:

Pronunciation: /rɪˈspɒnsɪb(ə)l/

Adjective
  • 1 [predic.] having an obligation to do something, or having control over or care for someone, as part of one's job or role: the cabinet minister responsible for Education
  • (responsible to) having to report to (a superior) and be answerable to them for one's actions: the Prime Minister and cabinet are responsible to Parliament
  • 2 being the primary cause of something and so able to be blamed or credited for it: Gooch was responsible for 198 of his side's 542 runs
  • morally accountable for one's behaviour: the progressive emergence of the child as a responsible being
  • 3 (of a job or position) involving important duties, independent decision-making, or control over others.
  • capable of being trusted :a responsible adult   
So let's say things have gone wrong in your relationship and your wondering why; a great place to start is with yourself.

A bit of self reflection in the form of some honestly answered questions will go a long way to healing some of that misplaced angst (towards others):

Did I pick the wrong person?
Did I ignore that sign?
Did I make a mistake?
Did I do something which on reflection caused the current outcome?
Was I the best me I could be in the relationship?

All of the above equals taking responsibility and realising that the answer lies within you (not me or anyone else): Being the primary cause of something and so able to be blamed or credited for it I will say I don't think the "be blamed" part is as bad as it connotes rather if when things are going good we're happy to take the 'credit' why then when things go pear shaped we don't want to admit our part? ('blame')

Mistakes in relationships are part of normal life but what we do when we make these mistakes is the difference between being morally accountable for one's behaviour or passing the buck! 

Some times we have to get right down to the nitty gritty exploring things within us that we don't necessarily want to admit to ourselves let alone the other party in order to move on.

Being morally accountable may require owning up to our own stuff (somebody almost went off with my stuff! lol); no amount of finger pointing will change the fact that we all have issues.

Again, a bit of self reflection in the form of some honestly answered questions will go a long way to healing some of that misplaced angst (towards others):

Was I jealous?
Was I insecure?
Was I controlling?
Was I scared?
Was I selfish? 
Was I a horrible girlfriend/boyfriend?
Was I the best me I could be in the relationship?

If you can't get to the root of yourself, how else are you going to guarantee that what you have to offer another person (or even the same person) is something good (or different?).

As Tony A Gaskin Jr said:

(Verbatim) “A Grown Man (and women): accepts FULL RESPONSIBILITY for his life, points no blame and understands Purpose, Legacy & Love.”

If you are not dealing with your life circumstances in the right way then you are not capable of being trusted: a responsible adult 

I guess the point I'm trying to make BDSS’er is if things always go sour in your relationships it’s likely that it wasn’t me, it wasn’t them… nope it’s YOU!  

Now take some responsibility!

So BDSS’ers do you carry petrol (sorry gas money)? Has it got you into hot water? Also have you ever dealt with someone not willing to make the bed they lied in? How do you deal with relationship break ups and make ups?

13 comments:

  1. Nice to see the hard questions being posed. This is by far the best article I have ever read on this issue. Unfortunately today most people know their rights but not their responsibilities. It is nearly always someone else’s fault. It’s much easier that way. No wonder so many relationships wilt.
    Other possible questions, which could be posed if a break up, occurs. They probably overlap with your points above
    (1) Was I immature?
    (2) Was I moody on a regular basis?
    (3) Did I ever say sorry?
    (4) Did I listen to the other point of view?
    (5) Was I sarcastic? Did I belittle the other person?
    (6) Did I work hard enough to heal rifts?

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  2. A close friend of mine and i were discussing why my ex's won't go away and always want to remain my 'friend' and hers always legs it. We started to discuss the fact she was so giving all the time - wait an hour for late dates, inviting potential boyfriends home on the second date for dinner, always setting the date, for the next date etc! She asked me why they always became distant. To cut a long story short, it transpired she was bullied at school as a child and thus ended up with the desire to be 'liked'. I was genuinely taken back by her honest on wanting to be liked by all. I was fortunate to have not been bullied, therefore the world would always be filled with people who dislike, whomever and whatever.....that's just the way it is. This then made me realise, that such is her desire to be liked, her tolerance threshold fell much shorter than mine when it came to dating. Where I would think a man's taking the p*ss, she would strive harder at building on the relationship, as the desire to be 'liked' far out weighed what she was worth!

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  3. Hi John and Cassandra welcome and thanks for some great comments!

    John you are right every body is aware of their 'rights' but no one wants to take responsibility for their situations and that is what I wanted to get across with this post. Also saying sorry is the hardest to do when you don't want to take responsibility so it is a great question to add!

    Cassandra that is really interesting about your friend wanting to be liked therefore she accepted stuff that you wouldn't.
    The fact that you and her had that conversation is a good thing as hopefully it allowed her to see that her desire to be liked by all was not the best for her and may have contributed to her relationship issues.
    Must have taken a lot for her to admit that and thats what I meant by getting down to the nitty gritty in order to learn, grow and move on. Hopefully your friend is able build more healthy relationships not based on her desire to be 'liked' but actually finding someone who appreciates her the way she is.

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  4. Still blogging about me I see hahaha and ive even got onto your twitter hahaha!!! I think you should do a blog about why people concentrate and put so much energy into people that they dont know!!! Just like my other posts you will probably delete this coz the truth hurts.

    Its your sister i feel sorry for, with you constantly dragging up her business!!

    Your post is incoherent and irrelavant to the point, I took the responsibility to be with my kids!! Your sister forgave me you!! I was with her for another 5 month after she found out!!! The FACT is your sister wanted to control aspects of my relationship with my children!!! and MY responsibility is to them. Me wanting to be civil afterwards you seem to confuse with me stalking her!!

    READ CAREFULLY: My issue with you isnt because i blame you for the break up (If you would pull your head out of your self conceited arse you would see this) my issue is that you keep dragging it up as a form of discussion, because your bored and have nothing in your own life to talk about.

    If you let it go then so will I!!!! Talk, diss and cuss me on the phone in your house, even by email, but stop dragging it up on the internet!!!

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  5. Life is life, Anon you are not the only man to have cheated on his girlfriend. I am not the first woman to have been cheated on by a man. Such is life. You live you learn and you move on.

    I think you need to stop seeing yourself as the protaganist in the blog posts maybe try and be slightly more objective in your intepretations of whats being said.

    As we privately emailed after the last blog back and forth this week, we are both moving on lets not contact each other.

    There is no need for you to keep coming onto the blog to defend yourself. Its not necessary.

    The issues presented are relevant to people other than me and you.

    Lets just all let it go!!! I'm not fussed or bothered by it any longer. Hence why my sister can write the post and I am not pouring my heart out about what happened crying in floods of tears I don't take a poor me stance. And neither should you be jumping to your defence or cursing si out. Its simply a topic it may feel especially relevant to you but I imagine that other topics might feel relevant. Music topics for example (we both like drake). There have been plenty of other posts this week.


    Its an issue that affects many......

    There will be issues covered in the blog that affect others in different ways.


    Lets stop the beefing!!! Lets stop slagging off, lets just all read the post, comment and enjoy. PS: you are very welcome to follow on twitter and comment on the blog but as long as your not slagging anyone off.

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  6. Great post, you brought up some valid points. As John pointed out there seems to be an emerging line being forged between rights and responsibilities in relationships and we're giving up the latter in a stubborn attempt to shy away from failure/criticsm. I think this post applies to most relationship break-ups but there are some where you can blame the other person; examples to come at a later date.

    Stay Blessed

    JC

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  7. Great post, you brought up some valid points. As John pointed out there seems to be an emerging line being forged between rights and responsibilities in relationships and we're giving up the latter in a stubborn attempt to shy away from failure/criticsm. I myself have been a victim in the past of not accepting responsibility in my break up with someone in the past even though it was ultimately something they did that brought me to that decision. Looking back on it, it was my lack of enthusiasm or understanding in a certain situaion that lead to her behave a certain way and our eventual break up lead me to take responsibility as an individual before I went on to persue another relationship.
    I think this post applies to most relationship break-ups but there are some where you can blame the other person; or at least look at both sides. But that's another story for another day. Good post.

    Stay Blessed

    JC

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  8. More times than most, both parties are responsible for the breakdown of a relationship of any kind; be it lovers, siblings, parent and children, friendships etc and I think the questions posed in the post and also by John become quite pertinent, as the truth is often frightening and difficult to accept.

    I have had relationship breakdowns which I've had difficulty in accepting the things I was at fault with, but then you can't move forward until you own them, deal with them, and then discard them in time for future ventures.

    In self-reflection mode, I try to ask myself such questions to keep myself grounded. I find 'what can I do to improve the situation' or 'what would I deem acceptable' helps me to do just that.

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  9. Thanks for the comments JC and Debs... you are both right about it not being easy to accept failure or being at fault but in order to move on and have something healthy with the next person you have to own your faults.

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  10. You are also right JC there are instances when you can blame the other person outright, but it takes two to tango so looking at both sides is needed. Also if you take the person back or you still want the person back after maybe not very nice treatment, that needs to be looked at. Is it like Cassandra's friend a desire to be liked? an indication of self worth or whatever - there is always a reason for how we act both during and after a relationship has ended.
    Dig it up and own it! lol

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  11. Im a very reflective person and always ask myself in most situations what would I have done differently, or is there a way to make up for my mistakes within a relationship.

    Ive been blessed with relationships where I have managed to keep on good terms after splits as Im not the type to say we are no longer together so I have no regard for a person although I understand and respect that everyone has different ways of dealing with things. Usually if I dont keep contact it means I never really cared i.e a quick fling etc etc etc.

    Looking at my well publicised situation on BDSS my misdemeanor created the problem but looking back and being fully reflective the misdemeanor was bad, but after that what I would of changed and ive learned from was that I wasnt able to be more considerate afterwards, and in hindsight because I found myself in my own predicament (2 babies to deal with out of nowhere)I wasnt able to see the full picture that I wasnt the only one suffering.

    Sometimes its easy to sit and judge other peoples situations, but in reality sometimes we need to understand that our perceptions are made up of what we see and hear, and like anything in life we fill in the missing blanks to create what becomes our own version. I took the route of being responsible to my 2 new found babies, which is the hardest decision ive ever had to make as my life before the discovery i felt was near perfect, but it was the right the decision.

    If anyone feels that I have blamed them then I apologise for the miscommunication, because in reality looking what the people involved had to go through anyone accept for the people involved are a non entity to the situation

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  12. Responsibility is pivitol in an healthy relationship, there are so many people walking around who are scared of admitting responsibility.

    We have all seen our children can react when they have done something wrong, a very young child (even older ones) will deny any wrong doing until you literally repeat yourself and ask them and ask them somemore.

    This is how some adults are, the difference is that unlike children it is much harder to force a grown person to see what they have done wrong, unless they really want to.

    By taking responsibility in where we went wrong in relationships helps us to grow and become better people in the same relationship, or future relationships.

    There are so many people walking around taking their old baggage into knew relationships, because they aren't 'adult' enough to deal with with themselves.

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  13. It truly depends on what the problem was, it is important to take some sort of responsibility for a break down because it teaches you what you need or what it is you want... I'm someone that doesn't carry grudges for long and the one thing i hate is a lair... if you don't wanna be with me frigging say it, yes i would be hurt and all the la but i will get over it, if its not death i can overcome it.

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