Tuesday, 19 July 2011
What If He Doesn't Want To Marry You?
Well done! After years of kissing frogs, b*tching to your girls that all men are dogs, and swearing that you will remain celibate for the rest of your life after yet another let down you have finally found him – Your very own Mr
Attractive? – TICK!
Intelligent? - TICK!
Spiritual or Religious? TICK!
Ambitious? – TICK!
No ex drama? – TICK!
Holds down a job? – TICK!
No serious emotional baggage? – TICK!
Honest? – TICK!
Loves you? - One big fat TICK!
Wants to get married? Errrrrmmmmmm
A few weeks ago I was speaking to a close male friend who was giving me the lowdown on his relationship. For once he seemed extremely content with his girlfriend, and I admired her for being the one who was finally getting him to settle down. My friend is approaching 30 and desperately wants to have children, his girlfriend on the other hand also wants children put his vehemently refusing until he 'Put A Ring On It'. My friend was adamant that there is no way he is EVER getting married. I was shocked at how strongly he felt against marriage, and he said something to the effect of “It will be like I'm handcuffed to her forever”. Shocked at his attitude I said “Well having a baby also means you are attached to that person forever, without the option of divorce”. But no matter how hard I tried to convince him otherwise he wouldn't listen. Eventually I threw in the towel and admitted defeat, this man was definitely not hearing it!
My male friend was by no means the only man I had come across that felt this way. I have heard often from female friends that their partners would have a baby at the drop of a hat, but when it came to marriage there was a big drama. Some women relented and had a child, but years down the line they still remained 'Miss', others held steadfast and either got their wish in the end, or decided to walk away, because marriage was firmly on their Mr Right check list, and the men they were with, definitely didn't want to tick the marriage box.
My own opinion of marriage has definitely changed over the years, growing up I actually didn't have much examples of successful marriages, or even marriages in general. Instead I was brought up by a army of single strong women doing it alone, so it was hard to know what was needed to make a marriage work, or even what a marriage really was. I actually just tended to think about what the day would be like, or what I would wear, rather than the man that I would vow to spend the rest of my life with. A few weeks ago I went to church and the Priest said that he asked for a donation from couples for the church maintenance when they were married. He must have asked one lady for the donation after she had listed the thousands of pounds she had spent on flowers, dresses, cars etc. and when he mentioned the donation (which wasn't a lot) she was baffled. That was pretty much my view of marriage, materialistic things and a few vows thrown in. I also think that as we all know it's hard enough finding the 'Right One' without throwing marriage into the mix so it wasn't actually something that I found to be a huge deal-breaker in my quest to find him.
I will now call that nativity on my part, marriage isn't just 'The Day' but so much more. Whether you are married in a church or registry office you are making a serious commitment not only to the person you are getting married to, but religiously, legally, and spiritually in front of family and friends. I totally understand the annoyance that women feel when their partners are dragging their feet, it may be perceived as though they do not want to make that commitment to them which throws in many questions as to their future together and also how the man actually perceives the relationship. That being said I know a number of marriages that have only lasted a matter of months, and relationships without marriage that have lasted many many many years, so I don't think marriage is for everyone, or is even a sign a relationship will last.
Would it make me walk away from a great thing if he didn't want to say 'I do'? I really find that hard to answer, I've never been in that situation but would feel like he was rejecting me, which would lead me onto loads of other thoughts about his attitude to the relationship. If we both weren't keen on marriage then that would be different, but when one party is for it and the other isn't that's an hard one to resolve.
The problem is there are many single beautiful, intelligent women out there so it begs the question that Si raised in her blog post Too 'Picky' (Is this why your single?) Can you really afford to walk away from a nearly Mr Right man, just because he doesn't want to get married? What if you never meet anyone else that is even a patch on him?
So can any men shed light on what makes some men scared of marriage? Ladies is marriage important to you? Would a partner not wanting to get married make you walk away?