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Thursday, 2 September 2010

Can men and women really be just friends?

I was very tempted to follow on from Si and Deb's post of the music themes which brought back so many memories! But I thought I will come back to that another time.

Since I was 8 I have had male friends who were very close to me, the first being J. We were like two peas in a pod all the way through primary school, and then like most people we changed and grew apart when moved on to secondary school, although we do keep in sporadic contact to this day.

I now have a handful of male of friends that I know I could really rely on, and who are great examples to my boys of what upstanding men should be. For many many years we have maintained purely platonic friendships, which like my female friends have been built on trust, honesty and brilliant memories.

Well, I thought one of my male friends was all of the above, lets just call him K. I met K in a bar, and to this day I have no idea why I gave this man my number.  Perhaps it was to make a pretty rubbish night more interesting. Anyway I gave him my digits and didn't think twice about it, but he obviously did, and was calling my phone off the hook. I would occasionally answer and pretend I was my own sister (not that I have one) and say I was not available - a lie that can only last so long. Anyway eventually I spoke to him and realised that we had a lot in common, but I  knew I was in no way attracted to this guy. We went for coffee a few times, and that went well. I thought he had gotten the message that we were just friends, but when he brought out a beautiful ring for my birthday I knew it was time to set the record very straight, so I told him I was only up for friendship (but I kept the ring, and the a dress that came 2 months later).

He seemed to get the message and the next two years were great. He became a great friend, one I could open up to. He gave me advice about the opposite sex, and I would listen to his stories about the girls he had met etc without a second thought. Now one particular night I had planned to go on a date. I told K about it and began scrutinising me about the guy, but I didn't think anything of it and trusted he knew how men thought, needless to say I never met the the date.

About a week later K offered to take me for a drink, I wasn't so keen but agreed to come out for one or two. My intuition was telling me something wasn't right but hey I trusted him, so went along with it. We got to one of those totally over pretentious bars down the West End, and had a drink whilst trying to enjoy the commercial rubbish they love to play. After a while K asked me to come into a sort of Morrocan themed room. Hmmmm I thought, I smell something fishy and I was right to. Before I knew it the flood gates came - I love you, you are so beautiful blah blah blah, and then to obviously loosen me up, he tried to offer me some coke (without the cola)

I have never dabbled in such foolishness and never will, I was actually insulted that he thought he could even go there. It all made sense all his critical advice regarding men hadn't been for my benefit but for his own! I ran out of that club quicker than you can say what a b*t*h! I was so upset that I didn't know this person at all.

This was a few years back, and I look at this situation differently. Perhaps I was partly to blame, you can't actually delude yourself that you can force someone that fancies you into being a friend. Neither can you be greedy and accept gifts without some sort of repercussions. So ladies (and gentlemen) have you been in awkward situations with male friends? Can women and men be 'just' friends?


  1. Oh my Bi!! lol - trying to loosen you up with coke! clearly he thought you needed something strong to loosen you up after all those years of keeping up the ´friend´ pretense! haha

    In all honesty I don´t really think that men and women can just be friends, I think there is always one party (usually the man!) who wants more and not only that men are normally willing to wait for some sort of opening to make their move!
    I mean we all know the men who when they learn you have broken up with your partner
    ... open up the floodgates on you! *rolling my eyes*
    ...and sometimes they don´t even wait for an opening, sometimes they just wait until they have you alone!!! lol - normally these men also have girlfriends or significant others in the background and they are all in there talking their sweet talk to you!! KMT

    I mean I can´t think of any male and female friendships which I´ve had that started out as just that ...Friends!... because I think men always want to have sex with an attractive female! lol

    I mean I had a work colleague who I thought was cool, we went to lunch together, he knew I had a boyfriend, I knew he was going through some sort of separation and was upset by it. He helped me reverse my car out of an awkward parking space once, he was into music and so was I so we used to get on quite well... now bear in mind I never came onto him, gave him any sign and or indication to say there was an opening and he never blatantly came onto me...I just thought we were cool!.. needless to say one day he invited me to his friends restaurant after work and I was like why not we are "friends" after all - lol

    ...Lets just say I found myself consciously referring to my boyfriend every ten seconds as we walked to the restaurant because for some reason he kept saying are you sure your boyfriend is ok with this? I was like with what?? was as if as he was trying to make more of the situation than it was!... I was so annoyed!
    Now the restaurant was lovely and the food was delicious, but rather than a nice simple meal between two "friends", I actually felt as if I was on a date! lol - and not a good one at that! Unfortunately the restaurant was empty and with just the two of us and his friend! it felt a little too intimate ... with him harping on about áre you sure your boyfriend is ok with this?´ whilst trying to stare into my eyes!!! KMT

    To cut a long story short my "FRIEND" then proceeded to break up with me via email a few weeks after I moved away... his exact words were...´have a nice life´?! lol and all because he reckoned I never made any effort to visit him and to be honest I did not make that much of an effort because... 1) I had just moved with my son and my boyfriends and was looking for a job (so was kind of busy!) and... 2) because I never knew my visiting him meant that much to him! I mean I thought we were just FRIENDS!

    So nope, I´m a none believer BI!

    ... And accepting rings and dresses is a bit of a no-no girl! te he ... no wonder he tried to ply you with coke... poor thing probably thought you accepting his gifts was a a green light to a night of coke fueled SEX! lol

  2. LMAO Si the last bit got me girl! What can I say I was young, naive, and a student! But yes, I know he probably thought he could get me highhhhh man! I recently sold that ring because although it was gorgeous I thought it was attracting bad relationship karma.

    I remember you telling me about this guy some craziness! I agree, there are very few men that can literally hold down a platonic friendship without there being some other intention, and obviously this man was one of them.

    I think it's actually a shame that some men have to have ulterior motives rather than just forming natural innocent friendships with woman (they could learn a lot). Why do friends always break up that way?!! It reminds me of a certain person that text me the same lines, what can you say to that? "Noooooo please don't leave meeee!!!"

    I must admit most if not all of my closest male friends are from college, and if there were any intentions of anything other than friends it is firmly buried in the past!

    If woman want a male friend, he should preferably be gay. They tell it like it is, you can have fun without your man getting peeved, are great company on Valentine's day, and most of all they never want the hunny!

  3. Lmao - wow you ladies have been naïve tut tut tut!

    That said I do think men and women can just be friends.

    I've got male friends and its purely platonic. I've been to a few of their weddings over the past few years and out raving for their birthdays, but we do not secretly go off for romantic meals together!!! That would be questionable “friendship” behaviour.

  4. Ah! No Sel - there was no sneaking to a secret romantic dinner date... It was more a my mate has a restaurant fancy a bite to eat after work! No secret thing my boyfriend knew where I was! It was my friend who got the wrong end of the stick! Lol

  5. I also have a few platonic male friends but granted, only a very few of them have never expressed any 'love' interest.

    I do think it's hard these days to have male friends without any insinuations coming about, either from them or others peering in from the outside but like Bi said, a couple of them have proved to be more reliable and supportive than even some of my own family members and I now regard them as such.

    I try to make it clear in every relationship that although I'll respect my partner's position in my life, I'm not willing to 'sacrifice' any of my friendships, unless I see fit. This became a problem in a past relationship as even though I decided to somewhat limit the amount of communication I had with a male friend (obviously, late night convos are not considerate to a new partner), I wasn't prepared to lock off the friendship altogether and this became a constant issue because he was convinced this person 'was on it'.

    Wait a minute - am I not savvy enough to make my own decisions or am I that naive and susceptable to 'being seduced' by anyone who will try?!?!

    In any case, I just think that true platonic friendships shouldn't threaten our relationships as long as there's trust, because that should mean that you 'trust' each other to act right and put people in their place if the situation arises (i.e. being approached on road).

    Although - I wouldn't mind a GBF (gay best friend) as it would limit some of the drama, that is until your man decides he's looking at him funny!!! :D