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Wednesday, 25 May 2011

How to Avoid The Friend Zone

Now following on from Si's post regarding the friend zone! I thought I'd give some tips on avoiding the friend zone completely, as instead of working backwards trying to peddle your way back out of a friend zone situation you do not want to be in, its better to not get stuck there in the first place.

Now we have to start at the very, very beginning of the process!

So lets say that your in a club/supermarket/park (basically wherever it is you go to pick up potential mates), and you've spotted some hot chick/guy and your wanting to go in to get the number or email, bb pin or whatever lol! Please just take a second to assess whether the person is the right person to approach; whether the person is likely to give you the time of day.

Secondly, when you go in to make that initial contact, please learn how to read the body language and the cues. If the person looks horrified to see you when you initially approach/ask for the number etc, then accept that they were not feeling you and be prepared to leave things there. Equally if you are in a club and you finally pluck up the courage to make conversation with someone hasn't noticed you all night, you ask for a number and you happily get it - don't get excited, as these days for a lot of people it's just networking, or sometimes the person's on a bit of a high and in the heat of a drunken moment so they couldn't think of a good enough reason not to give you some contact information.

Thirdly, when you make the initial contact does this person seem happy to hear from you? If someone is happy to hear from you they will let you know, conversation will be positive and pleasant, you'll find yourselves arranging to meet up again fairly quickly (although I accept that there may be times when meeting up straight away is not possible) but the conversation about it will be there.

Again (and this is very important) read the cues and listen to what is being said. If you are the person making all the effort to call, text and communicate, and also if you are the one always giving compliments and not getting anything back in response then accept that if you continue to pursue this person you may be destined for the friend zone, because the truth of the matter is that this person is likely to have already made up their mind that they are not feeling you that much.

If you have to beg someone to go on a first date with you (and by beg I mean if you have to ask and enquire about it more than 2 times) without getting an affirmative response or if they keep cancelling on you, if the person suddenly relents and agrees to go on a date with you - don't get excited as it may be a sympathy date! "I haven't got anything or anyone else on, so I might as well date"; again, think friend zone.

All I'm saying is that if in the initial stages of getting to know someone and getting to the first date, if it doesn't flow nicely and smoothly, if the vibes are in anyway negative just be prepared for the friend zone if you pursue.

If the above scenario doesn't apply and you actually get to the first date without any hiccups or longness, this is a great start!

However to avoid the friend zone going forward, you have got to get the balance right, between showing a woman that you are caring and have a heart, and you are a great listener etc (just basically all the sensitive type stuff) and showing her that you are actually on it, on it (interested in being more than friends)!

Some people make the mistake when meeting a potential partner of playing it too sweet and nice. I have a friend who within a few weeks of meeting new females ends up being a confidant, listening to them drone on about past relationships and ex partners. Now, if he just analyses the situation to begin with, when first meeting someone lets say in the first few weeks, you're not obliged to even like this person let alone be an ear for them to share all their issues. Be a bit tough and if a man or a woman seems to be droning on about an ex (or issues), then don't pursue that as its quite possible that they end up getting back with the ex whilst you're stuck in the friend zone (and also with issues, the issues will become a reason why they can't get with you). You're not there to be a confidant/shoulder to cry on in the first week!

Be witty, but don't be a clown or a joker to the point where all your conversations are jokes, I say this for two reasons:

No. 1: the person will be left thinking "he/she is very funny, but there wasn't that spark there, he/she reminds me of my hilarious uncle, cousin, brother or bredrin". . . and

No.2: if you do ever bring up the topic of getting a bit closer to the person, they probably won't take you seriously. You're not there to be free entertainment!

Show a normal level of interest (to someone you barely know), don't act infactuated after two days, it's off putting and is a bit needy. Play it a little bit cool. You're there to find out about them, not to love them and put them on a pedestal, eager beavers get into the friend zone very quickly.

When on a first date or even in those early conversations, make it clear that you're physically attracted to the person. Flirt and have a little bit of sexual banter, doing all of the above 3 things, acting as a confidant, a clown or infatuated distracts and takes away from the message that you're trying to get across to this person, which is that you approached them because you found them physically attractive, so you could get to know them and if you still like them after that, you would like to take things further.

Don't waste your time faffing about trying to be overly likeable, and sweet!

The most common comments I hear from my female friends regarding men, who they date, and who quickly get placed in the friend zone are:

1) "He is nice, really sweet but a bit too keen its only been a week and he is talking about introducing me to his family"


2) "We have banter, we have such a laugh, he reminds me of my best friend Doug" (who is probably a previous date who ended up in the friend zone)

and finally. . .

3) "I find it really easy to talk to him but there is no spark"

In those first crucial weeks you've got to create a spark, make the person aware of how you feel and go for it! I think us women expect to be flirted with and come on to slightly, if you've asked for our number, spoken to us and want to go for a date.

Plus, remember within the first few weeks of meeting anyone, the only obligation you have towards them is being courteous and normal. If you ask for what you want and you get turned down, then at least you can make a graceful exit, without having spent weeks and months in the friend zone.

Also (and I can't stress how important this is), look out for the clues to how someone feels about you. Check the body language and unspoken cues.

So BDSS'ers what other tips can you give to avoid the friend zone? If you have a 100% hit rate with the opposite sex, what is it that you do?


  1. A look of horror! Haha yes learning to read cues and body language is so important in avoiding the friend zone!
    Great post very thorough :-)

  2. Nicely narrated laughing all the way through reading because I can relate to most of the in point I like to be enthusiatic but it's getting me know where so am gonna sit tight and let the magic come my way!!!!!

  3. Yeah I definitely think look out for the signals and don't put the person on a pedestal!

  4. VERY important to read the cues as it’s so easy to get carried away on the other, minuet details that we prefer to focus on.

    Although admittedly, getting the balance right is not an easy feat. So many people who would otherwise be good contenders get shot down in the initial stages and relegated to the ‘friend zone’ all because they don’t read the signs fluently enough to see maybe he/she isn’t feeling your jokes, tales of your exes or lack of reasonable interest!

    But that said, there’s nothing worse than an eager beaver!! LOL But like I said, it aint easy! lol

  5. 3) "I find it really easy to talk to him but there is no spark" - Instant friend zone material lol.

    Anyone ever played that game where you have a maze with holes in certain places and you have to try and get the marble from start to finish without it dropping in a hole? it seems the holes represent the friend zone. Too eager or too cautious and "KER-PLUNCK!!!"... friend zone. I have been in that hole looking up out the hole thinking "how the hell did I get in here?".

    The worst thing about being in the friend zone is when you end up giving advice to your new 'friend' about the new person in their lives. I have know a few people in this position in the past - myself included. It's like a punishment for being in the zone. One can only think "that's gotta hurt".

    I think the hardest part for guys in general is what they term 'moving in for the kill' or 'closing the deal'. Of course these are crass terms, but for the non-player, it refers more to the when and the how to take the next step. I think, this point, or the progression from 'the date' to 'dating, is the pinnacle moment. Miss it, and - "Ker-plunk" lol.

    I wonder though. Is there a way back?

  6. I think some men forget the game! When looking at my male friends I think with a few of them their intentions were to get a hook up with me, but I've longed them off. Now this longing off process is usually because their was someone else, or I may have just not been feeling them right then.

    This could have turned around but they have gotten too comfortable, and told me are their scandalous behaviour, or let certain things slide. So I've just thought nah I ain't dealing with this, so made sure they stayed in the Friend Zone!