Connect With The BDSS

Friday, 6 May 2011

What Not to Do When Trying to Win Back an Ex...

"I Want You Back!"

Ok, I'll admit from the start I'm no expert and we all know the path of love runs many different course's and what one person will be prepared to put up with and forgive another person won't.  Please note I am in no way saying if you don't do XYZ below your ex is putty in your hands. NOPE please remember whether you think your entitled to another chance or not; everyone (both male and female) has a right to say au revoir and ultimately a reasonable person as much as it hurts will move on because as MadeForMakeUp recently said not every person is for every season and if you handle yourself correctly your likely to move on to hopefully nicer things.
Now there are two reasons I'm doing this post, firstly; the other day I was speaking to a close friend of mine regarding his break up and he was discussing certain issues around it, such as his ex finding the breakup very difficult, 'blaming him' and making him feel like the 'bad person' for not wanting to give it another try (after trying a number of times) and also as they are both moving on her going out and being in certain situations with other men and then coming back and blaming him still, in essence putting the nail in the coffin through her own actions post split.

Second, in light of Sel's recent post:The BDSS: BBM, Whatsapp and Text Dating Worries in which an interesting comment was left about a break up. Both these instances got me thinking hmm do people really do that? Also if my ex came at me like that it's likely I would be saying au revoir  (and probably a lot of other people too haha!)

So without further ado:

1) Don't brag about the amount of women (or men) you have bagged since the split to the one your trying to win back (even if it's been a lot!) the comment was:

'The dating game gets kinda mazy, new found wealth but yet im still lazy, is it me or my money they want its all shady.
My posts got em sayin annoymous is crazy, a sign of success look at what it did to Amy
Lost the one i love so yeah i felt defeated, bbm and whats app yeah i got deleted
50 bags bagged but still feel depleted
So on date nights I show off and get Boasy
drink nuff get drunk to hide that im lonely
coz there backoffs may big and breast a spectacular view
But deep down I know that they aint you.'

Now on first glance and with that ending "but deep down I know they ain't you" I'll admit I thought it was a strange response to the topic being addressed but kind of sweet.  However when I went back and analysed the words I though hang on a minute... is the rap actually saying how many women with big butts and spectacular breasts they've had post split?  Plus P Diddy problems? (i.e., new wealth= not knowing if these new women want them for themselves or their money).

I though to myself cor... thats not something to be telling an ex, even if you add in that last line 'they are not you' ... I mean what person does not want to be the choosen one out of a beevy of fine breasted beauties? or the male equivalent of fine-ness did some one say Idris?...woop!

Anyway I got to say... nobody I repeat ...NOBODY wants to know that their ex has been banging lot's of other people whilst trying to get back with them no.1, and no.2, bragging and self pity is not endearing.

Moving on...
2) Don't switch up on them - I mean how off putting it must be to have someone turn into Jekyl and Hyde whilst trying to win you back. I had a friend whose ex partner used to whisper 'I love you' in one breathe and then 'You Bitch' in the next. It does not really show the stability of mind to say I'm going to want to give it another try which leads me to my next point...

3) Be Real - Instead of singing a sea of 'woe is me' be honest about where you went wrong, why you went wrong and how your going to use the knowledge if in the event they take you back (unlikely if you have done no.1 or 2) no one wants to go back to the same situation they have just left unless it has significantly changed and all previous issues have been worked through and dealt with. Now if your still feeling sorry for yourself it's highly likely you got a lot more work to do.

Obviously what ever problems there were in the relationship needs to be ironed out by both parties otherwise you'll end up doing the same old same old and being miserable.

So there you have it BDSS'ers just a few tips of what not to do in the pursuit of rekindling the love of an ex.  Can you think of anymore?


  1. From si to made for make up its me they slating
    although i helped get more post and more debating
    I put my pride online, with my heart spoke the truth
    I imagine the views on the site went through the roof
    But still you wanna come and target me damn
    Be constructive use it as ya marketing plan
    I love my ex to bits and aint scared to say it
    a compliment to give i wasnt scared to pay it
    she used to make me smile i wasnt scared to show it
    the dough came in i wasnt scared to blow it
    P diddy problems? come on now do me a favour
    she was by my side before i made all of this paper
    she watch me count my 1st 10 G's on her bed
    so course i dont wanna share with others instead
    You wernt there on holidays and dinner date times
    wernt with us when we'd snuggle up to question time
    which means you can have an opinion but you dont know the full facts
    so please step back and get off my n*t sa*k
    But its typical like chris brown i poured my heart out
    But yet you still wanna point all my flaws out
    obviously my metaphor went over ya head
    so let me break it down carefully for you instead
    I get boasy - breast with a spectacular view
    deep down im lonely -coz they aint you
    P.S Mwaah to the ghost writer, I see right thru
    But lets just keep that between me and you ;-)

  2. What not to do is to feel like you have some sort of entitlement to be given a second chance and then keep slapping the gift horse in the mouth as though you are confident that whatever you do they will always forgive you. I always think ex are there for a reason and they should stay that way, unless you ain't grown you normally will not break up for small things and you will have tried to work it out before you bid goodbye. So why go back and try again when happiness is sure to be there for you down the road.
    If you go back and things are still the same give yourself a time limit a month and say this dude or gal is still the same so why am i here, be ready to change things what is it that didn't work be prepared to try new things in order to this time make it stick. Love is just not enough i think its time we all start remembering that.

    The thing is when getting back with someone you have to CHANGE whether its the person you have been, your reactions to things, communications skills, out look on the future etc you almost have to become a new person because the old you led to a break up and how much do you want your ex back and why do you want them back what do you expect.

  3. Now part 2 what to do to get your ex back firstly relationships take work, you can’t just arrive at love and then you stop, and every day in all things it takes the right decisions. When things begin to go wrong, it is to say because sometimes things do get away from you or lost in translation.

    I think it’s always good no matter what to start a culture of communication because relationships and build right from the start a firm foundation, my mum always says people can not guess what you feel and as simple as it sounds folks always miss it, it does save a lot of hassle and unnecessary arguments and needless stress. In terms of getting an ex back it depends what I am going back from, if he cheated he or she has to understand as much as it is about him it is more so about me, why am I going back what do I hope will happen and are you building victims mentality where you are always going back instead of moving forward. I have to know that going back it won’t be the same relationship and I shouldn’t expect that it is, I have to forgive, and not be like where you going, what time will you be back, will there be women there or secretly thinking that he/she is up to no good. That’s hurting you and it’s my happiness I am costing. It’s a lot of work going back to someone who has cheated because wrongly a lot of people go back because of love but if you think about it love didn’t stop him or her from cheating one would think its enough to stop but its just prove sometimes love is really just not enough.

    Yes like Si says you have to be real put it out there how much its sucks, hurt and what from now on you expect because by getting back together what are you trying to archive where do you want your relationship to go personally I don’t believe in relationship that are just thin air, I don’t want to have a boyfriend just to have one. Switching on me or using emotional black mail only proves that it is Not going to work second time round that why I firmly believe ex are such for a reason and once its over its time to look forward letting the past relationship by the guide to what you don’t want and if they where good things what you do want.

    However problems are just about cheating it could be a number of things, he or she may be addicted to porn, isn’t ready to commit, doesn’t see marriage or even children, doesn’t want to move to your job offer in another town or country.

  4. Sounds like someone's gone from the dog house to the pound! As a fellow man I feel his pain and frustration. Come on ladies where's the compassion give a guy a break!

  5. @MFMU how many ex's have you actually had?

  6. lol definitly sympathy were sympathy is due!

  7. I think a big mistake some people make is going with someone else on the rebound. In most cases this is just a temporary fix and no amount of p**y or d**k can substitute trying to heal the hole that a relationship with someone you love or care about leaves.

  8. @ anon I think you clearly miss this point because its not about giving someone a break when they are either fully responsible or partly responsible for breaking your heart. I don't just give myself to anyone and when I do give myself, I expect the very best. As for how many ex's i have had 1 is enough to teach you many lessons both good and bad, better one than making the same mistake and have 10 ex's. Its not even about the number and might I add its really is frankly none of your business because you don't know me and I certainly don't know you to talk about my private self to you, however if you choose to put your business out in the comments section expect for me to answer you back. You should know or if you don't let me be the first to tell you women are complexed people and will naturally do a lot more emotional thinking.

    Oh by the way i am not slating you if your comment suggests that's what you really feel about your past relationship then you have a lot to learn. Question is from your past relationship are you even learning anything at all or you just feel like i want them back at all cost i don't care how they feel i want them back. Ever stopped to respect the person that doesn't want you back, like i said just loving someone doesn't give you the right to mistreat and expect easy forgiveness there comes a point when you push someone too far and they end it and have had enough. First anon post sounds like a pity party because if you loved your ex so dame much why the heck did you mess it up because love didn't stop you from becoming an ex so it must be something else. I'm done with all this... I don't get paid to give fresh idea's on how to solve your problems.

  9. @Ladyabouttown aka Bi ... this is so true!

  10. Just to clarify mfmu, the person that wrote the rap is not the same as who asked you about your ex's
    Lets not beat every annonymous that says something with the same stick

  11. @ Anon I am simply responding to what I read